This is one of those entries that I’ve considered writing before but didn’t because what I’m about to say seems sick and insane. I don’t want to be seen as sick or insane. Yesterday this subject came up in private conversation and I realized I need to say something about it. Maybe I need to say it to purge myself of guilt a little more. The thing is, this is a regular occurrence not just something that has only been said out loud once.
It seems that after a really hard therapy session the only thing I can think about doing is having sex. I’m not even out of my therapist’s door good and I’ve got one thing on my mind, get laid. I can’t even see straight for thinking about it. When I got home (when someone was here to come home to) I could relieve the need for self harm by re-creating abusive acts. Now here I am with no one here to help relieve that need. My eyes have begun to wander and that frightens me.
Am I actually turned on by flashbacks? No, not in the least. So what do I gain from seeking sexual contact after a heavy therapy session or strong flashbacks concerning abuse? Well, in therapy we’ve discussed me being victimized as a child and feeling powerless to stop the abuse even in my early adult years. When I think about how I simply gave in and didn’t put up a fight at all I feel rather humiliated and ashamed. How could I at age 20 simply take that kind of treatment? I know the answer. I’ve explained it to myself a thousand times but the feeling of helplessness, shame and humiliation don’t go away. How do I take control back? I seek out the very situation I had no control over. This time I have control. This time I choose the time, the place the event and the person (Blossom). I have control. I’ll still feel horrible about myself afterwards but the illusion of control is worth dealing with shame.
Despite the ill feelings I have for Blossom, despite what happened between us there is still a need she can fill. I am so sorry to admit that but there is still a need she can fill and that need is to help me gain the illusion of control over my past. Since she’s been gone my eyes have wondered. The person I called to assist with self destruction should have by all rights hung up and never spoken to me again. Had anyone spoken to me the way I spoke to her I would have hung up and been pissed beyond belief. She wasn’t angry. I know why this survivor wasn’t angry and I know why she does the things she does. I also can’t believe I spoke to another survivor that way. Since when did my needs for self destruction over-ride the right for respect and boundaries? What on earth was I thinking? Why on earth was I not able to get out of that pattern? I just wanted control back and all I could think of was getting laid. Afterwards was there any real sense of control? Not really, just shame and anger and guilt. I didn’t even feel in control. I just felt upset that I spoke to her like that and that it didn’t matter to her that I spoke to her that way. I also didn’t give one flying flip if she enjoyed herself or not. I was there for one reason and one reason only, stop feeling so powerless.
I think I need to stop for right now. I have therapy in a few hours…..great!
UPDATE: Concerning inner strength Wily said “The power of a lifetime that never got tapped.” That really grabbed onto my heart. I appreciate it and all the comments that have come in.
The person I had the original recreation conversation with and the “fix” person are not one and the same. I also feel the need to mention that it wasn’t “the gentleman” from the store. I’m rather hesitant to get involved with “the gentleman” because my general rule is, “If I’m attracted to you then you’re not right for me.” She’s a really nice girl and I enjoy our conversations and stuff but I’m scared to death. I’ve got to come up with a better name for her than “the gentleman”. I think I’m going to call her Chi. She has one of those little chihuahua dogs. The first strike against her is that I like her the second is she has a little dog . . . of all kinds a friggin chihuahua. That’s the worst kind of little dog. Chi is a cute name though so I’ll stick with it.
I talked to Dr. D about the entry a little bit. We’ll continue our conversation next Wednesday. I’m afraid when I talk about it I’ll be seen as talking about it to enjoy the conversation. My mother talked about what she did to me and my sister so as to re-live the experience. I fear he’ll think I’m trying to re-live it. I also am concerned he’ll think I’m just a whore. So, I figure between now and Wednesday I’ll try to put some thoughts together.
Joan of Arc
Recreate and Destroy - Monday, August 18, 2008-10:32AM EST
austin,
This is so raw. I don’t know if you want responses or not. I feel though that I would like to write a response so you can choose to post it, or read it, or just delete it.
I too experience a great deal of shame about all of the abuse I’ve just endured. I too ask myself how I could have just gone down without a fight. How? How? It’s taken me a long time to realize I had no idea how to fight. I’m 40 and I’m STILL trying to learn how to fight for my rights.
Sex is energy discharge. All the stuff around the bad things that happened has a lot of energy attached to it and sex is a way to discharge that energy. I think there are only a few things people can do that deal with energy on that level and all of them are physical. For me I have had to find other ways to discharge that are better for me. Like physical exercise or hitting stuff (I took martial arts for a while) or, actually, playing music. I play percussion which is also hitting stuff.
I was involved in an abusive relationship where sex was the thing–for both of us–that was that discharge of energy. After I managed to get out of that I realized that was a road I’d better not go down again if I wanted to stay away from bad people. It took time and a lot of work but better and more constructive ways have emerged.
You have a lot of power in you and what to do with it? The power of a lifetime that never got tapped. I don’t know what would help or be right for you but I do know that I am wishing all blessings toward you as you walk down that road.
wily
I think that was a big step making that connection. Let’s see where you go with it. I think you are very courageous for writing about it.
That took a lot of courage to post. You are so open and honest with your feelings and your healing process. I admire you for that.
I agree with wily - you have a lot of power in you! I know that you will figure out the best way to use it.
In almost every book on abuse I’ve read (and there have been tons), there is a section about survivors who need to do some of the same things you’ve posted about. Or survivors who can only enjoy sex by fantaasizing about their abuse or acting it out. Considering how many times I’ve heard and read that, I’d dare say that nothing you have written is unusual, odd or “twisted.” I think that it is one of the ways we survivors continue to punish ourselves in the here and now.
Will you bring this up in therapy? I’d be curious to see what he says.
I know that I often felt the need to release energy after a T session. I’d do some intense blogging, go exercise, go somewhere and rant, rave, cry. Something to release the tension, anger and emotions that are so easily stirred during T sessions.
I don’t think I can add to the other comments, they’re all so well written. It does take courage to write about this subject, and that’s at least one thing positive you’re doing, rather than struggling alone and keeping the whole issue hidden.
I too wish you the best as you work through this…