Daily Archive for August 20th, 2008

Forgiving Myself

Published on August 20, 2008 in Abuse, Art, Mental Health, Morton's Pride, PTSD and Therapy. 3 Comments

We talked about the painting Forgiveness today. I, like most, could list a thousand more things but these are just the basic ones. The main thing is to forgiven myself for the things I had to do to live through what my mother was doing. Some things I can give myself a break on but others are still in need of attention.

Self forgiveness is needed for past and present mistakes or failings such as-
Feeding off of guilt like a sucker fish on waste in a tank.
For all the stuff I put myself through even though I know it’s harmful for me,
For learning to like the pain so I wouldn’t lose my mind.
For even coming up with the idea that I should begin to train myself to like it or I’d die.
For hitting my sister to try and help her escape mentally.
For letting my spirituality go to the way side day by day,
For not having what it takes to manage an outside job right now
For taking so long to leave home
Continue reading ‘Forgiving Myself’

The Phone Call

Published on August 20, 2008 in Depression, Grief Sadness Loss, Pets and Relationships. 3 Comments

My phone rang and I let it go to voicemail because I didn’t want to talk to the person on the other end of the line. Let me back up a bit. I have talking caller ID so I don’t even have to go to the handset to know who’s calling. After they’re number is programmed in I record their name in my own voice. When they call the phone announces the name. Well with this particular person I didn’t use his legal name. So when the person called it said one thing again and again and yet again until voicemail picked it up.  Loudly through out the house you could hear “Motherfucker, (pause) motherfucker, (pause)…etc, etc……” Basically my phone warned me that there was a motherfucker on the other end of the phone so don’t even bother to pick up. Gotta love technology…..Trust me, I care not that you called to give your condolences. You’re still the greatest motherfucker ever…and stop reading my blog!!! (This wasn’t Blossom)

Most of the people that called today I’ve wanted to talk to. I think my ear has been glued to the phone for most of the day. I appreciate it though. I really do. Just being able to chatter on about whatever has been really helpful so thank you everyone.

So how am I doing? I have flashes of anger but mostly now I’m numb. I did the yo-yo thing for a bit and now I’m putting off sleep because for the first time in a long time I’m going to go to bed without him.  I can’t believe that.  I think I’m in shock and disbelief too. Continue reading ‘The Phone Call’