Forgiving Myself

We talked about the painting Forgiveness today. I, like most, could list a thousand more things but these are just the basic ones. The main thing is to forgiven myself for the things I had to do to live through what my mother was doing. Some things I can give myself a break on but others are still in need of attention.

Self forgiveness is needed for past and present mistakes or failings such as-
Feeding off of guilt like a sucker fish on waste in a tank.
For all the stuff I put myself through even though I know it’s harmful for me,
For learning to like the pain so I wouldn’t lose my mind.
For even coming up with the idea that I should begin to train myself to like it or I’d die.
For hitting my sister to try and help her escape mentally.
For letting my spirituality go to the way side day by day,
For not having what it takes to manage an outside job right now
For taking so long to leave home
For being a woman child in an adult body making decisions without considering the consequences
Sometimes knowing the consequences and acting contrary to reason
For the times I tried to take my own life
For the times as an adult when I could have asked for help but didn’t
For getting use to the abuse
For at times making myself homeless because of silly decisions
For at times making myself homeless because of impulisivity
For being an impulsive person
For not being able to shake the feeling that my existence is to suffer
For not allowing myself to be happy when the opportunity for it presented itself.
For throwing my pearls to swine
For considering myself worthless and everyone else worthy
For staying with a husband that I shouldn’t have been with in the first place
For picking the worst possible person to start a relationship
For trading myself for his needs
For accepting life as it was and bending to meet his rules no matter how much it hurt me.
For manipulation
For lying through my teeth to save my own skin
For purging, cutting, burning and setting myself up to be hurt by others for the purpose of self harm.
For giving up or not acting soon enough
For not being enough
Being a dependent human being in desperate need of basic things … and so much more

Most recently… for not knowing what the small wet spot was on Captain’s face was until it was too late.  I thought he rolled in something. I was tired and hurting so I didn’t wash it off. Two days later the side of his face was wet and sticky in the same area but much larger…the entire side was covered in the drainage from an abscess/tumor which broke open and spilled into his eyes. For all he was going through already, for the pain of cancer the pain of arthritis and of old age I couldn’t justify bring my boy home blind. Eventually I’ll forgive myself for not checking to see what the wet spot was on the side of his face and for feeling like if I had he might be right beside me now. It’s just one of those things I guess…….

Joan of Arc

Painting Title: Forgiveness

At first glance a young man concluded this painting was about a mother forgiving her young prodigal daughter. I didn’t correct him. This painting shows an older woman embracing her younger self and offering forgiveness for past mistakes and failings. The young self kneels before the older woman having asked for nothing other than a place to lay her head. The older woman who has grown physically and spiritually knows the younger self was caught up in the spring of youth and needs what we all need, a place to rest our transgressions. In the lap of experience the young one is allowed to rest.