My phone rang and I let it go to voicemail because I didn’t want to talk to the person on the other end of the line. Let me back up a bit. I have talking caller ID so I don’t even have to go to the handset to know who’s calling. After they’re number is programmed in I record their name in my own voice. When they call the phone announces the name. Well with this particular person I didn’t use his legal name. So when the person called it said one thing again and again and yet again until voicemail picked it up. Loudly through out the house you could hear “Motherfucker, (pause) motherfucker, (pause)…etc, etc……” Basically my phone warned me that there was a motherfucker on the other end of the phone so don’t even bother to pick up. Gotta love technology…..Trust me, I care not that you called to give your condolences. You’re still the greatest motherfucker ever…and stop reading my blog!!! (This wasn’t Blossom)
Most of the people that called today I’ve wanted to talk to. I think my ear has been glued to the phone for most of the day. I appreciate it though. I really do. Just being able to chatter on about whatever has been really helpful so thank you everyone.
So how am I doing? I have flashes of anger but mostly now I’m numb. I did the yo-yo thing for a bit and now I’m putting off sleep because for the first time in a long time I’m going to go to bed without him. I can’t believe that. I think I’m in shock and disbelief too. Every once in awhile I look up in panic and think that I’ve forgotten my boy outside in the yard and that he’s patiently waiting for me to let him in. Then I realize he isn’t at home. One alarm clock I have has been set for the same time since college. I never turn the alarm off or set it to a different time…until today. I don’t think I can stand having it go off daily knowing it changed from a school schedule to Captain’s feeding time. The alarm goes off for about one minute then resets itself. I don’t want to hear it everyday and not get up to feed him. For my own dinner I had Cap’s favorite food, pizza.
Somehow I have to be able to sleep this evening. I full expect to wake up in a panic and think that Captain is outside or automatically wake up to let him out to use the restroom. When I got home and laid down for just a tad bit Bella came and got on my chest…hurt like hell but it was comforting. I hope she does it again this evening. Grace is kind of reserved right now. I’m not sure what to make of it.
I have a few journal entries I wrote a long time ago concerning a few people that lost pets. There was one about dealing with the loss of a pet that I’d like to read again. There are some suggestions that I might find helpful right now. I wrote it to someone I use to know when she lost her dog Petey.
I have therapy tomorrow/today then I have out of town guests. I will do my typical session review thing but after that I may not be able to blog again until Saturday evening or as late as Sunday morning. Thursday evening all comments will go into moderation and stay until I return Saturday evening or Sunday morning.
That’s all for now,
Austin
The Phone Call-Wednesday, August 20, 2008-2:07AM EST
Hey Austin,
I’ve been thinking about you a lot. Grief and loss really hurt and I wish it could be different. However, you seem to be taking good care of yourself. I’m glad you see your therapist today. My thoughts and prayers are definitely with you!! I miss him too!! Take care of yourself and don’t push it…you will regret it later. I hope you have fun with your company.
Clueless
CC -
who me? push myself? hmmmmmm I don’t do stuff like that at all.
Seriously though, after I came home I talked my head off then when it started getting really late I found myself wandering through the apartment with nothing to do. Strangely enough I rearranged the living room furniture. I started to run the sweeper and do some stuff like that but I figured if I did everything in one day I’d leave myself with idle hands. That can’t be good so I didn’t sweep the carpet and only washed one of my bed blankets yesterday.
People might wonder who on earth cleans the house the same day they lost their best friend. Cleaning for me is a coping skill. It relaxes me but I do need to pace myself. After my small bit of cleaning and one load of laundry I ran my mouth a bit more, did some stretches and went to sleep. I feel like I have a hang over and I didn’t even drink anything.
There are a few subjects that I may not comment on in blogs right now because the loss of my dog on top of major triggers is way too much. My tendency would be to skip over grieving Captain and get deeper into therapy issues but that isn’t a good thing. For now when I visit blogs if I don’t leave a comment please know I was already walking a thin line before Captain died. I don’t want to go anywhere near the edge so if you don’t see me comment as often please know I’m doing a balancing act.
I have to get ready for therapy
Austin
you did good. You loved him all the way to the end and he knew it. I hope that when I die there is a friend close by as good as you, Austin.
I support you in doing whatever you need to do as you mourn the loss of this great friend.
wily