Dear Me

Dear Me,

Maybe that’s not why his eyes were milky white. The doc said it burns like acid when in the eyes but he didn’t say that’s why his eyes were milky white and dilated. What he did say was there’s more going on under the surface than shows with a physical exam. I don’t know anything at all about acid burns nor do I know why the eyes turn milky white and dilated. It is guilt that put two and two together.  Had I checked the spot on his face the fluid wouldn’t have spilled in his eyes, it wouldn’t have blinded him and I could have brought my dog home. There is a possibility that the eye burns were after the loss of eye site. I think you also have to consider the fact that for 3 days your pain level maintained a level ten. When you thought he rolled in something and had a small patch of grease on the side of his face that small spot  (easy to wash off later) took second place to hardly being able to walk. Austin, you went to bed because you couldn’t stand to be awake because you were in so much pain. You did whatever was needed at level 9 but were understandably down for the count when you maintained a level ten for several days. Austin you missed therapy because you could hardly move. That isn’t something you just toss to the way side either.

If I can be so blunt here, you’re use to putting your needs second for things that don’t really matter but when it comes to things that do you try your best to be there. Hell, you even over do it….a lot I might add. You need to eventually understand that laziness and lack of concern played no part in the loss of your dog. If you for one second thought whatever was on the side of his face could harm him in any way you would have dealt with it, pain or no pain you would have dealt with it. In the midst of a lot of physical and emotional pain you do stuff that “normal” people would be blown away by…cause well you overdue the whole “responsibility” thing. Think back to the last time you had pneumonia. Woman, you got up and cleaned the house like a healthy worth horse. Your oxygen level hardly maintained 80% while you were being given oxygen. You could have died yourself but nope, you came home and moved around and took your own dog out and just kept moving. Though fueld by flashbacks you still kept moving. You override your own pain all the time. When it comes to Captain you go even further to get things down. You didn’t fail him.

The person who looks after Captain’s well being to the point of making him a living will isn’t the type to selfishly over look his needs. The paper that the vet has and has had for years states specific treatments you will and will not allow. The fact that his first parent beat him, broke three legs, shot him and left him for dead made it imperative that this boy never suffer like that again.  (You and he understood each other, you were both survivors) In the legal document that his vet has you explained that what was allowed or not allowed needed to be decided while you still had a clear head. You would not allow an aged dog with his health issues and arthritis to try and recover from the loss of a limb. No amputations. His geriatric terms were that he could have tumors removed if the surgery was not majorly invasive to the point that it would cause him unbearable pain or cause infection that could decrease his already decreased quality of life. You said he could live without a tail, he could handle having one ear. You and the vet talked extensively  and wrote out what was best for Captain years ago. The detail in the document is again proof that you went out of your way to make sure he was happy. So please do not rest your entire time with Captain on one understandable over sight. If anyone else said to you, “Hey, I have Lupus and Fybromialia and for several days the pain was at a level ten. During those days my dog had a spot on his face that I thought was something he rolled in, etc, etc.” You’d automatically kick into your logical stage and jump right in to tell them that hey dogs roll in stuff, they love that, especially when they roll in something gross. If your dog was a regular roller then you figured you knew your buddy and that he was okay. Had you for one second thought he was in trouble you would have acted. No doubt about it.

Even if this one thing hadn’t happened take a look at what you’ve experienced with him day by day. Remember his inability to sleep because he was in so much pain. Remember how hard it was for him to walk. Remember those big happy brown eyes were no longer big happy brown eyes. Remember that the dog who lived to eat stopped eating and went down hill so fast it’s frightening. So ask yourself, had the drainage not been an issue and Captain needed to be helped down the stairs would Morton have handled it? Hell yes! So please, the drainage was part of the issue not the issue. Captain had a lot of problems there towards the end. To blame it all on yourself isn’t fair. It is however part of the grieving process.

Austin

Dear Me – Thursday, August 21, 2008-7:25AM EST