Sundrip Journals
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This is Bruce the Betta fish. We got him about a week and a half ago or so. I don’t remember how long it’s been. We need to get some rocks and stuff for his bowl and a few other things. And we need to look up how a little more about how to take care of him.
These are Talopia in the aquarium at the garden.
Milwaukee
Back in May of this year I lost my name and my income. Last month it hit me that the relationship I had with Blossom wasn’t what I thought it was. This month I lost my dog. I’m a tad bit frazzled right now. This month I got my name back and next month I’ll have my income back but I don’t get Captain back and I don’t ever want Blossom back I read the Borderline Personality Disorder series over at Clinically Clueless’ blog and the grief hit so hard. There is nothing I can say or do to make me and Blossom right because Blossom is an emotional child. The profound sadness I feel over that is unspeakable.People hope ya know? And most of the time they hope the problem is them because at least then things can change. What I learned was that its her and not me which means my hands are tied, I’m powerless to make things right. That hurts cause that means I have to let her go too. I feel so alone right now. I don’t know how to link to her series or I would. I couldn’t find them all. I’m feeling a tad bit stressed and it felt too overwhelming to look them up. LOL so just go over to her blog and look for the series.
So what’s up with the name and income thing and why on earth am I just now saying something? I talked to a few people in private conversation but I didn’t mention it on the blog. I kicked into the whole “I’ll deal with it on my own” routine. There’s another thing I need to forgive myself for.
My immediate response to Captain:
Just before I had to put him down I was on the phone crying my eyes out. I don’t know if what I said was intelligible or not I was crying so hard. Inside the vets office the pain was equal to the day they took my brother away. When they took K I thought it would kill me. At the time my psychiatrist asked me what I needed. I said, I need mercy. Losing Captain hurts like hell. It was the second worst day of my life. The first was my brother whom I mourn for nearly every day.
Aftermath:
The very first day when it sank in that Captain is gone I thought to myself, I can’t do this. I can’t be alive like this. This hurts too much. That was a short lived thought. At this time I’m saddened and I’m lonely. I have a hard time sleeping at night anymore because I don’t have the bark of a dog to warn against intruders. For the first time in a very long time I’ve slept with my bedroom door closed and locked. I haven’t washed his blankets yet and his toys are still on the floor in the bedroom exactly how he left them. I feel like I have no use for my front porch because he’s not here to share it with me. It saddens me when I realize there’s no one to give left overs to. If something hits the floor it just gets tossed. There’s no panting, snoring, kicking, farting huge dog trying to squeeze in bed beside me only to recieve a “oh hell no, you have to sleep on the floor. Down, down, get down.” My boy is gone and there is a huge hole. These are words though, please don’t ask me to express it in emotion because that’s where it all gets confusing.
Borderline, Transference, Projection, What Have You
I resist talking to Dr. D about Captain. Only twice has he brought the subject up but it still angers me. I know it’s not really Dr. D that I’m angry with, it’ just that I feel pressured to break down in tears or go into long drawn out embellished stories that start with, “Once upon a time the greatest dog in the world….”
Dear Little Chipmunk
Little well dressed rat who hangs on my porch soaking up the sun, your time here is limited. I noticed since the passing of my best pal Captain Crunch you’ve decided to boldly lay on my steps, sit on the arm of my broken down porch swing and dig in the dirt of my dried up plants. Well let me tell you this, don’t get too comfortable. This is a household that must have a dog. So, you do what you need to do while I grieve the loss of my pal, ya little furry disease carrying vermin. Sunbathe on my property if you will. Sit really close to my door if you must. But don’t get comfortable….nope, don’t get comfortable.
If you for some reason slipped into the house you’d be perfectly safe. I’m sure you could beat the crap out of both of my cats. Bella is all hiss and no scratch and Grace is scratch and run. They’re too domesticated to stick up for themselves. Bella might even try to bribe you to let her up from a chipmunk choke hold. Grace will get on her little knees and flash her big brown eyes hoping you’ll feel sorry for her and not swing her by her tail anymore. But a dog, well, a dog would mop you up. I’d have to pick you from his teeth. So listen up and listen real good, YOUR TIME IS LIMITED ya furry little so-in-so……The same goes for you damn squirrels, hanging out by the window looking in at Grace and Bell!!!
Sincerely,
Current Resident of the Human Kind
This is not a squirrel and chipmunk hang out. Look at him hanging out like some street corner hoodlum. I believe daily now I’ve opened my curtains to let the sun in only to burst out with, “Oh hell no! They’re taking over the yard. There goes the neighborhood.” This is like adding insult to injury. They know there’s no more threat…not right now anyway. Give me some time, there will be another slobbering, tail wagging, cold nosed K-9 in my life and in my yard. So watch yourselves, watch your little hairy backs.
Little Chipmunk-Monday, August 25, 2008-4:17AM EST
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