My immediate response to Captain:
Just before I had to put him down I was on the phone crying my eyes out. I don’t know if what I said was intelligible or not I was crying so hard. Inside the vets office the pain was equal to the day they took my brother away. When they took K I thought it would kill me. At the time my psychiatrist asked me what I needed. I said, I need mercy. Losing Captain hurts like hell. It was the second worst day of my life. The first was my brother whom I mourn for nearly every day.
Aftermath:
The very first day when it sank in that Captain is gone I thought to myself, I can’t do this. I can’t be alive like this. This hurts too much. That was a short lived thought. At this time I’m saddened and I’m lonely. I have a hard time sleeping at night anymore because I don’t have the bark of a dog to warn against intruders. For the first time in a very long time I’ve slept with my bedroom door closed and locked. I haven’t washed his blankets yet and his toys are still on the floor in the bedroom exactly how he left them. I feel like I have no use for my front porch because he’s not here to share it with me. It saddens me when I realize there’s no one to give left overs to. If something hits the floor it just gets tossed. There’s no panting, snoring, kicking, farting huge dog trying to squeeze in bed beside me only to recieve a “oh hell no, you have to sleep on the floor. Down, down, get down.” My boy is gone and there is a huge hole. These are words though, please don’t ask me to express it in emotion because that’s where it all gets confusing.
Borderline, Transference, Projection, What Have You
I resist talking to Dr. D about Captain. Only twice has he brought the subject up but it still angers me. I know it’s not really Dr. D that I’m angry with, it’ just that I feel pressured to break down in tears or go into long drawn out embellished stories that start with, “Once upon a time the greatest dog in the world….”
I feel like I’m being asked to express emotion on command, that’s how I know this isn’t about Dr. D. In my head I know the more he wants to talk about it the more I’ll refuse to talk about it because I don’t offer emotion on command anymore. So for now the whole Captain conversation with him is a control issue that he isn’t going to win.
I’m trying to process it in my head but he still comes off sounding like my mother. He isn’t my mother needing me to cry in her presence so she knows I care or cry in her presence so she can mock me. He’s not my mother asking me to laugh to enhance her own mood or needing to hear me scream to get off. But when he asked me today if I want to talk about Captain he turned from a tall thin white guy to a big, tall black woman requesting that her child give the proper response to fill her own needs. So now I’m worried about how to respond naturally. If I don’t cry will I appear cold? If I don’t cry will it appear that I’m denying the pain of losing my best friend? If I cry will the tears be real or tears I feel forced to drop? If I tell him that I smile when I think of silly stuff he did will it sound like I’m denying my pain and in denial that I’m actually in pain? The questions and fears are endless. Most of the questions go back to responding on command and getting the response right so as not to get hurt or seem like a heartless child.
Instead of saying all of this I talked around it. We talked about how I don’t respond to pain like many do. I’m trying though, I’m trying to not push it so far back that I can’t feel it. I’ve recently talked more about Lupus and Fibro than I have have before just so I don’t deny my body or my experiences. I’m trying not to hide so much or just deal with everything on my own in silence. I’m trying to get it through my head that I have friends and help when I need it. But this is so hard because my auto response is to clam up and ask for nothing. When asked how I’m doing or what I need my concern is falling into the same old pattern of giving emotion on command. And my fear is giving a true response that somehow proves I’m not a good person.
Today I wanted to tell him what I just wrote but instead we talked around the subject. We talked about other instances where I held back a response. I did not respond in pain to two cast iron pans hitting my bare feet. I did not respond as others do when hot wax spilled and covered my hand. And I did not respond or even pull my hand back when my cat bit me and broke the skin. That’s what I said. What I meant was, I’m still in the past and I’m afraid to give a true response for fear of judgment. And I refuse to give emotion on command for fear of ever being owned again.
I’ve got to go to sleep. I’m wiped out.
Joan of Arc
How Would You Like For Me To Respond?-Monday, August 25, 2008-4:51PM EST
“And I refuse to give emotion on command for fear of ever being owned again.”
Wow, this hit me hard. It made me realize something for the first time. I have a tendency to pull away from anyone who is dramatic, or who seems to expect certain emotional responses from me. I do this automatically, there is no thought involved. Often it’s not until days or weeks later that I even realized I pulled away.
Often I’ve wondered what’s wrong with me that I don’t have the same strong emotional reactions as others. I’ve wondered, am I just cold, maybe even dead inside?
That one sentence you wrote was a light bulb moment for me. I don’t want to be owned again, either…
I’m sorry, I know this post is about you not me, but maybe it will help you a little to know that your honesty is helping someone else.
You’re right to not talk about Captain to Dr. D until you’re good and ready (if you ever are.) You’re right to protect your right to
express what you want to when and how you want/need to.
I’m sorry about your brother. I was torn from most of my family at an early age, I know how much that hurts. Even though I got them back after 8 years, it’s never been the same again. Nothing can make up for those 8 lost years.
It angers and saddens me that you and I and a host of other “survivors” must always be second-guessing our responses to things, because we so don’t want to be misunderstood.
Sorry, your post has me so scatterbrained, I forgot to say that I’m sorry that you lost your boy, Captain. I know this must be one of the hardest things you’ve had to deal with. I don’t know what else to say except that I’m so so sorry.
I am so sorry about Captain. I too miss his panting, but it is nothing like how you feel in losing your family and your friend and protector. I read your post and see how much control you need to have right now over your emotions. It seems like the only part that you truly think you have control over. I do hope that when you are “ready” (and that is something you will know) that you will talk about it with Dr. D.
“I’m sorry, I know this post is about you not me,”
You were fine. I didn’t think you made it about you. I thought you were sharing your experience and relating to what I said. You’re fine.
Austin
Yeah. It is really hard to reach out. Really hard. and here you are doing it. That is a big deal.
Just to try, even to think of it and try, is a huge act of compassion and power toward yourself. It honors Captain and what he gave you and what he taught you. He is smiling a doggie smile upon you from that sweet place that doggies go. He is saying, “Damn, that woman is really something. I’m glad I knew her.”
Not all doggies get to know an Austin in their lives.
you’re doing good
real good
wily
@ Wily,
Take the time you need. If Dr. D is worth his salt, he’ll give you the space. I wish I could take the pain away, but I can’t.
He’s worth his salt but I’m not sure he’ll give me space. He might think it’s important to talk about him OR he’ll want to talk about my concerns about talking about him. In my opinion the bigger issue is that he changes from Dr. Do to the mother but when I talk to other people about Captain that change doesn’t happen.
Do you feel the need to express emotion or have an emotional reaction with other people like with Dr. D?
Beauty wrote a post akin to her comment here and I commented over there (if that makes any sense?) Anyway I have the inability to “do emotion” on command either - with the outcome being that I’m seen as cold. Really I don’t see the big deal as long as you express emotion in some way - why do we have to express it in front of others, T or anyone else?
I tried to put it out of my mind when I had to have my 15 year old cat put to sleep last summer. I don’t cry much but it hits me in other ways. Like panic attacks and intestinal problems.
I am very sorry for your loss.
o my God aussie! i cant believe i missed this! i cried whe i read it. i have no words …
captain is maybe getting to know sammy now. im sure theyll have lots to talk about.
;(
kïrstin☼