Back in May of this year I lost my name and my income. Last month it hit me that the relationship I had with Blossom wasn’t what I thought it was. This month I lost my dog. I’m a tad bit frazzled right now. This month I got my name back and next month I’ll have my income back but I don’t get Captain back and I don’t ever want Blossom back I read the Borderline Personality Disorder series over at Clinically Clueless’ blog and the grief hit so hard. There is nothing I can say or do to make me and Blossom right because Blossom is an emotional child. The profound sadness I feel over that is unspeakable.People hope ya know? And most of the time they hope the problem is them because at least then things can change. What I learned was that its her and not me which means my hands are tied, I’m powerless to make things right. That hurts cause that means I have to let her go too. I feel so alone right now. I don’t know how to link to her series or I would. I couldn’t find them all. I’m feeling a tad bit stressed and it felt too overwhelming to look them up. LOL so just go over to her blog and look for the series.
So what’s up with the name and income thing and why on earth am I just now saying something? I talked to a few people in private conversation but I didn’t mention it on the blog. I kicked into the whole “I’ll deal with it on my own” routine. There’s another thing I need to forgive myself for.
What happened was that when I went to Wal-mart to cash a check for fifty dollars my social security number didn’t match my legal name change. The SS# pulled up my birth name as well as my married name and the legal name change. I got flagged. By law they had to report it. I then got a letter from Social Security saying in short F. Magdalene didn’t exist so they couldn’t continue to give me my checks until the situation was sorted out. I still had the papers from the lawyer’s office. I contacted the lawyer. Finally next month I’ll have a check for the first time since May. When Indiana changed over to the REAL ID cards for a system that is to help voters and prevent identity theft my name change as well as info belonging to a host of other people got lost. Basically a lot of people got screwed. Yes, I’m getting back pay but I still got screwed in the name of Homeland Security.
How stuck in the “I can do this myself” mode can one person be? Very stuck. For a woman will writes out her dreams in detail or writes about a one night stand it wouldn’t seem like much to write about financial difficulties. But it was too much at the time. I felt stripped and that was a bit much to take. All I wanted to do was go to bed and not think about anything.
I really am trying to not be so closed up and silent when I’m in need. I really am but sometimes I kick into “I’ll do it on my own like I always have” then I can prove I’m not a burden to others and I can make it on my own in the world without crawling back to the mother. I’m trying.
When I talked to Morton about getting rid of Grace a bit ago he straight out said ‘no’. It wasn’t until later conversation that he said we’d lost too much in a short period of time. Even if we don’t like her we don’t need another loss. A few short days later we lost Captain. There’s a lot going on right now, to say the least.
What I Lost-Monday, August 25, 2008-6:06PM EST
No wonder you feel overwhelmed, you really have had a lot to deal with in a short period of time.
I’m glad you got the name and income thing resolved, and I can see why it was so hard for you. Anything of a financial nature just weakens me.
Thank goodness for the wisdom of Morton, he never seems to steer you wrong!
Yes, the losses have been tremendous. My heart aches for you. I know you know you can call anytime…in your time zone! LOL!!!
I have a serious question. Does talking with an alter qualify as reaching out to others and not handling it on your own?
To find the series, scroll all the way down to the end of the page on Clinically Clueless and find the label and click on the one that says, Borderline Personality Disorders Series. Make sure you pick the one that says, Series.
Hang in there! I promise you that it will get better and maybe a little quieter and less drama.
CC-
Usually I’m out and talking to people on the phone. It is rare that our host/original person comes out let alone actually holds a conversation with anyone. So anytime I talk to a person in person or on the phone they can be assured they’re talking to an alter. I’m the only one that answers the phone but we all call out when we want to. So I guess the answer to your question is, talking to an alter qualifies as reaching out. Our host person is hardly ever around. There could be a stretch of months if not years before we see her. I, Joan, am our primary person. Our original person doesn’t know about Captain yet or about Blossom. When she gets back she’ll know and that won’t be pretty. She doesn’t like Blossom so that won’t be too bad. LOL I think it was a full year before she found out we changed our name. That wasn’t pretty, not pretty at all.
Austin
I was wondering along the lines of CC - I was wondering if all alters learn about life events at once or whether each alter would have to learn about an event and process it? Like whether each alter would have to learn separately about the loss of Captain? That must be very hard. Grieving once is bad enough - but to have to do it over and over again is tough.
You’ve got every right to be frazzled. I would be a basket case.
I hope things get better. This is too much for a person (persons) to have to deal with.