Sundrip Journals
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This is Bruce the Betta fish. We got him about a week and a half ago or so. I don’t remember how long it’s been. We need to get some rocks and stuff for his bowl and a few other things. And we need to look up how a little more about how to take care of him.
These are Talopia in the aquarium at the garden.
Milwaukee
Back in May of this year I lost my name and my income. Last month it hit me that the relationship I had with Blossom wasn’t what I thought it was. This month I lost my dog. I’m a tad bit frazzled right now. This month I got my name back and next month I’ll have my income back but I don’t get Captain back and I don’t ever want Blossom back I read the Borderline Personality Disorder series over at Clinically Clueless’ blog and the grief hit so hard. There is nothing I can say or do to make me and Blossom right because Blossom is an emotional child. The profound sadness I feel over that is unspeakable.People hope ya know? And most of the time they hope the problem is them because at least then things can change. What I learned was that its her and not me which means my hands are tied, I’m powerless to make things right. That hurts cause that means I have to let her go too. I feel so alone right now. I don’t know how to link to her series or I would. I couldn’t find them all. I’m feeling a tad bit stressed and it felt too overwhelming to look them up. LOL so just go over to her blog and look for the series.
So what’s up with the name and income thing and why on earth am I just now saying something? I talked to a few people in private conversation but I didn’t mention it on the blog. I kicked into the whole “I’ll deal with it on my own” routine. There’s another thing I need to forgive myself for.
My immediate response to Captain:
Just before I had to put him down I was on the phone crying my eyes out. I don’t know if what I said was intelligible or not I was crying so hard. Inside the vets office the pain was equal to the day they took my brother away. When they took K I thought it would kill me. At the time my psychiatrist asked me what I needed. I said, I need mercy. Losing Captain hurts like hell. It was the second worst day of my life. The first was my brother whom I mourn for nearly every day.
Aftermath:
The very first day when it sank in that Captain is gone I thought to myself, I can’t do this. I can’t be alive like this. This hurts too much. That was a short lived thought. At this time I’m saddened and I’m lonely. I have a hard time sleeping at night anymore because I don’t have the bark of a dog to warn against intruders. For the first time in a very long time I’ve slept with my bedroom door closed and locked. I haven’t washed his blankets yet and his toys are still on the floor in the bedroom exactly how he left them. I feel like I have no use for my front porch because he’s not here to share it with me. It saddens me when I realize there’s no one to give left overs to. If something hits the floor it just gets tossed. There’s no panting, snoring, kicking, farting huge dog trying to squeeze in bed beside me only to recieve a “oh hell no, you have to sleep on the floor. Down, down, get down.” My boy is gone and there is a huge hole. These are words though, please don’t ask me to express it in emotion because that’s where it all gets confusing.
Borderline, Transference, Projection, What Have You
I resist talking to Dr. D about Captain. Only twice has he brought the subject up but it still angers me. I know it’s not really Dr. D that I’m angry with, it’ just that I feel pressured to break down in tears or go into long drawn out embellished stories that start with, “Once upon a time the greatest dog in the world….”
Dear Little Chipmunk
Little well dressed rat who hangs on my porch soaking up the sun, your time here is limited. I noticed since the passing of my best pal Captain Crunch you’ve decided to boldly lay on my steps, sit on the arm of my broken down porch swing and dig in the dirt of my dried up plants. Well let me tell you this, don’t get too comfortable. This is a household that must have a dog. So, you do what you need to do while I grieve the loss of my pal, ya little furry disease carrying vermin. Sunbathe on my property if you will. Sit really close to my door if you must. But don’t get comfortable….nope, don’t get comfortable.
If you for some reason slipped into the house you’d be perfectly safe. I’m sure you could beat the crap out of both of my cats. Bella is all hiss and no scratch and Grace is scratch and run. They’re too domesticated to stick up for themselves. Bella might even try to bribe you to let her up from a chipmunk choke hold. Grace will get on her little knees and flash her big brown eyes hoping you’ll feel sorry for her and not swing her by her tail anymore. But a dog, well, a dog would mop you up. I’d have to pick you from his teeth. So listen up and listen real good, YOUR TIME IS LIMITED ya furry little so-in-so……The same goes for you damn squirrels, hanging out by the window looking in at Grace and Bell!!!
Sincerely,
Current Resident of the Human Kind
This is not a squirrel and chipmunk hang out. Look at him hanging out like some street corner hoodlum. I believe daily now I’ve opened my curtains to let the sun in only to burst out with, “Oh hell no! They’re taking over the yard. There goes the neighborhood.” This is like adding insult to injury. They know there’s no more threat…not right now anyway. Give me some time, there will be another slobbering, tail wagging, cold nosed K-9 in my life and in my yard. So watch yourselves, watch your little hairy backs.
Little Chipmunk-Monday, August 25, 2008-4:17AM EST
We use to go to the skating rink as a young adult with friends. We’d hang out, laugh together, sing with the radio and have a really good time. When it was time to go home you could almost bet I’d have some sort of physical emergency that required that I go to the emergency room. It took years for me to figure out that whenever I had a really good time I ended up so distraught that a hospital visit seemed necessary. The connection was made but it took even longer to change the behavior and to accept that fun and good are safe things and do not have to result in panic or a physical symptom.
After my guests left this evening I didn’t think to myself, I had too much fun I think my body is doing so poorly that I should visit the ER. I may not be wording this very well. I guess what I’m saying is that I had a good time and I get to keep it. I don’t feel the need to end this good feeling by tainting it. I hope that made sense. I actually get to keep this where as before I would panic, not trust the good feeling, have a physical symptom as a result of the fear and end up in the hospital. Not this time though and not for years has this happened. I got to have fun and I don’t feel bad about it.
Milwaukee
I Get To Keep It-Sunday, August 24, 2008-2:32AM EST
WOW!!! I really had a good time. I’m so happy we got together. We hung out like we’d met before or something. We went to the park and ate lunch, walked around a bit then went back to the hotel. I chickened out about staying in the hotel and came back home. They picked me up the next afternoon and we headed back to the park and visited there for a little bit. Then we went out to Fishers and Brownsburg, Indiana. Brownsburg was by accident though. LOL. Julie is exactly who she seems like on the phone and via her blog so the comfort level was exactly the same. I am so happy we did this. So what about her fiancé that I met for the very first time? I like him. He’s able to hold a really good conversation on several different subjects so that certainly was a good plus. Very intelligent guy, funny, mannerly, all around nice guy. We ate at my favorite restaurant here in town. I actually got Julie to try Peking Duck, which she liked despite me saying, “Ouch you bit me!” Since I’ve been called Little Duck most of my life I had to give her grief for biting a duck. Another thing about her fiancé is that Morton really enjoyed being able to talk to another guy that actually can hold a friggin conversation. It is not hard to get Morton’s respect and admiration but it is hard to keep it. This guy seems quite nice and passed Morton’s little observation tests. No signs that this guy is an asshole through and through. So Sean if you’re reading this then hey, Morton likes you and can’t wait to hang with you guys again.
Today was a very long day but I mean to tell you, with recent events it’s what I needed. These two came right on time and I can’t thank them enough for showing up and being a total blessing to me.
I almost forgot, since I didn’t sleep at the hotel there was no cause for concern about my planet being misaligned. Now, I must go relax or something.
A yellow flower from the gardens
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Austin
Last night (Thursday) I had a dream that while staying in a hotel with Julie and Sean I woke with my pajama pants falling down. To my horror I revealed a bit of crack….okay, it was more than a bit of crack. I mooned my guests, a big brown moon right out there for everyone to see. Part of me laughs when I think of it but another part is like, gracious that can’t happen. Dear Lord that can’t happen. So, since everyone is into prayer requests these days then let us pray that I do not reveal too much of myself to these unsuspecting victims individuals.
Please bow your heads…..
Dear Lord,
In just a few hours two people are going to come to Austin’s house hoping to meet a half way decent person. Julie has known her for years but this is Sean’s first contact with her. Please do not let their first meeting be worse than them witnessing her pillow hair and what she looks like before a shower and make up. Please God, Holy One in the Heavens, do not let her show her bum to these people. They’re both survivors and that vision just may throw them both over the edge.
Thank you,
Austin’s Supporters
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