Dear Little Chipmunk
Little well dressed rat who hangs on my porch soaking up the sun, your time here is limited. I noticed since the passing of my best pal Captain Crunch you’ve decided to boldly lay on my steps, sit on the arm of my broken down porch swing and dig in the dirt of my dried up plants. Well let me tell you this, don’t get too comfortable. This is a household that must have a dog. So, you do what you need to do while I grieve the loss of my pal, ya little furry disease carrying vermin. Sunbathe on my property if you will. Sit really close to my door if you must. But don’t get comfortable….nope, don’t get comfortable.
If you for some reason slipped into the house you’d be perfectly safe. I’m sure you could beat the crap out of both of my cats. Bella is all hiss and no scratch and Grace is scratch and run. They’re too domesticated to stick up for themselves. Bella might even try to bribe you to let her up from a chipmunk choke hold. Grace will get on her little knees and flash her big brown eyes hoping you’ll feel sorry for her and not swing her by her tail anymore. But a dog, well, a dog would mop you up. I’d have to pick you from his teeth. So listen up and listen real good, YOUR TIME IS LIMITED ya furry little so-in-so……The same goes for you damn squirrels, hanging out by the window looking in at Grace and Bell!!!
Sincerely,
Current Resident of the Human Kind
This is not a squirrel and chipmunk hang out. Look at him hanging out like some street corner hoodlum. I believe daily now I’ve opened my curtains to let the sun in only to burst out with, “Oh hell no! They’re taking over the yard. There goes the neighborhood.” This is like adding insult to injury. They know there’s no more threat…not right now anyway. Give me some time, there will be another slobbering, tail wagging, cold nosed K-9 in my life and in my yard. So watch yourselves, watch your little hairy backs.
Little Chipmunk-Monday, August 25, 2008-4:17AM EST
We use to go to the skating rink as a young adult with friends. We’d hang out, laugh together, sing with the radio and have a really good time. When it was time to go home you could almost bet I’d have some sort of physical emergency that required that I go to the emergency room. It took years for me to figure out that whenever I had a really good time I ended up so distraught that a hospital visit seemed necessary. The connection was made but it took even longer to change the behavior and to accept that fun and good are safe things and do not have to result in panic or a physical symptom.
After my guests left this evening I didn’t think to myself, I had too much fun I think my body is doing so poorly that I should visit the ER. I may not be wording this very well. I guess what I’m saying is that I had a good time and I get to keep it. I don’t feel the need to end this good feeling by tainting it. I hope that made sense. I actually get to keep this where as before I would panic, not trust the good feeling, have a physical symptom as a result of the fear and end up in the hospital. Not this time though and not for years has this happened. I got to have fun and I don’t feel bad about it.
Milwaukee
I Get To Keep It-Sunday, August 24, 2008-2:32AM EST
WOW!!! I really had a good time. I’m so happy we got together. We hung out like we’d met before or something. We went to the park and ate lunch, walked around a bit then went back to the hotel. I chickened out about staying in the hotel and came back home. They picked me up the next afternoon and we headed back to the park and visited there for a little bit. Then we went out to Fishers and Brownsburg, Indiana. Brownsburg was by accident though. LOL. Julie is exactly who she seems like on the phone and via her blog so the comfort level was exactly the same. I am so happy we did this. So what about her fiancé that I met for the very first time? I like him. He’s able to hold a really good conversation on several different subjects so that certainly was a good plus. Very intelligent guy, funny, mannerly, all around nice guy. We ate at my favorite restaurant here in town. I actually got Julie to try Peking Duck, which she liked despite me saying, “Ouch you bit me!” Since I’ve been called Little Duck most of my life I had to give her grief for biting a duck. Another thing about her fiancé is that Morton really enjoyed being able to talk to another guy that actually can hold a friggin conversation. It is not hard to get Morton’s respect and admiration but it is hard to keep it. This guy seems quite nice and passed Morton’s little observation tests. No signs that this guy is an asshole through and through. So Sean if you’re reading this then hey, Morton likes you and can’t wait to hang with you guys again.
Today was a very long day but I mean to tell you, with recent events it’s what I needed. These two came right on time and I can’t thank them enough for showing up and being a total blessing to me.
I almost forgot, since I didn’t sleep at the hotel there was no cause for concern about my planet being misaligned. Now, I must go relax or something.
A yellow flower from the gardens
.
Austin
Last night (Thursday) I had a dream that while staying in a hotel with Julie and Sean I woke with my pajama pants falling down. To my horror I revealed a bit of crack….okay, it was more than a bit of crack. I mooned my guests, a big brown moon right out there for everyone to see. Part of me laughs when I think of it but another part is like, gracious that can’t happen. Dear Lord that can’t happen. So, since everyone is into prayer requests these days then let us pray that I do not reveal too much of myself to these unsuspecting victims individuals.
Please bow your heads…..
Dear Lord,
In just a few hours two people are going to come to Austin’s house hoping to meet a half way decent person. Julie has known her for years but this is Sean’s first contact with her. Please do not let their first meeting be worse than them witnessing her pillow hair and what she looks like before a shower and make up. Please God, Holy One in the Heavens, do not let her show her bum to these people. They’re both survivors and that vision just may throw them both over the edge.
Thank you,
Austin’s Supporters
Continue reading ‘The Big Brown Moon’
Dear Me,
Maybe that’s not why his eyes were milky white. The doc said it burns like acid when in the eyes but he didn’t say that’s why his eyes were milky white and dilated. What he did say was there’s more going on under the surface than shows with a physical exam. I don’t know anything at all about acid burns nor do I know why the eyes turn milky white and dilated. It is guilt that put two and two together. Had I checked the spot on his face the fluid wouldn’t have spilled in his eyes, it wouldn’t have blinded him and I could have brought my dog home. There is a possibility that the eye burns were after the loss of eye site. I think you also have to consider the fact that for 3 days your pain level maintained a level ten. When you thought he rolled in something and had a small patch of grease on the side of his face that small spot (easy to wash off later) took second place to hardly being able to walk. Austin, you went to bed because you couldn’t stand to be awake because you were in so much pain. You did whatever was needed at level 9 but were understandably down for the count when you maintained a level ten for several days. Austin you missed therapy because you could hardly move. That isn’t something you just toss to the way side either.
If I can be so blunt here, you’re use to putting your needs second for things that don’t really matter but when it comes to things that do you try your best to be there. Hell, you even over do it….a lot I might add. You need to eventually understand that laziness and lack of concern played no part in the loss of your dog.
Continue reading ‘Dear Me’
We talked about the painting Forgiveness today. I, like most, could list a thousand more things but these are just the basic ones. The main thing is to forgiven myself for the things I had to do to live through what my mother was doing. Some things I can give myself a break on but others are still in need of attention.
Self forgiveness is needed for past and present mistakes or failings such as-
Feeding off of guilt like a sucker fish on waste in a tank.
For all the stuff I put myself through even though I know it’s harmful for me,
For learning to like the pain so I wouldn’t lose my mind.
For even coming up with the idea that I should begin to train myself to like it or I’d die.
For hitting my sister to try and help her escape mentally.
For letting my spirituality go to the way side day by day,
For not having what it takes to manage an outside job right now
For taking so long to leave home
Continue reading ‘Forgiving Myself’
My phone rang and I let it go to voicemail because I didn’t want to talk to the person on the other end of the line. Let me back up a bit. I have talking caller ID so I don’t even have to go to the handset to know who’s calling. After they’re number is programmed in I record their name in my own voice. When they call the phone announces the name. Well with this particular person I didn’t use his legal name. So when the person called it said one thing again and again and yet again until voicemail picked it up. Loudly through out the house you could hear “Motherfucker, (pause) motherfucker, (pause)…etc, etc……” Basically my phone warned me that there was a motherfucker on the other end of the phone so don’t even bother to pick up. Gotta love technology…..Trust me, I care not that you called to give your condolences. You’re still the greatest motherfucker ever…and stop reading my blog!!! (This wasn’t Blossom)
Most of the people that called today I’ve wanted to talk to. I think my ear has been glued to the phone for most of the day. I appreciate it though. I really do. Just being able to chatter on about whatever has been really helpful so thank you everyone.
So how am I doing? I have flashes of anger but mostly now I’m numb. I did the yo-yo thing for a bit and now I’m putting off sleep because for the first time in a long time I’m going to go to bed without him. I can’t believe that. I think I’m in shock and disbelief too.
Continue reading ‘The Phone Call’
Today Captain Crunch “the Kid” ended his status as best dog and best service dog in the world. He would have been 9 in October. When we went to the vet we did our tradition that was started way back when he first became my service animal. When I had heart surgery, when I had colon surgery, when I went in the hospital for any kind of stay Captain was there with me. Before heart surgery or any other surgery he and I split a biscuit just in case I didn’t make it. We had a just in case symbolic last supper. Since I was about to eat a dog biscuit I had to choose one that looks half ways appetizing so I chose the green one. From our first shared meal it’s been a green dog biscuit. So today at the vet’s office, just before he went to sleep we had our last supper. He got the larger piece.
Continue reading ‘Captain Crunch 2000 - 2008′
As always I held my breath when I passed Dr. D to leave. I expect to get slapped on the back. As I walked through the doorway I wondered, “Does he disinfect his office after I leave?” The thought caught me by surprise. Yes, I feel that dirty, that I’d leave a trail behind me that requires the use of disinfectants to get rid of any traces of filth I may have left behind.
While we talked about recreating the abuse I doodled. It’s helped keep me from rapid switching so I’m happy I do it. He wants to talk more Wednesday about the drawing.
For some reason he thinks he offends me when he asks questions. Most of the time he doesn’t. Today he asked something, I can’t remember what and around the same time Renea (age 9) came out. He thought it was something he asked but our switching had to do with the yellow crayon we were using not the question. Eventually I told him that. We talked about yellow for a little bit and how for us it represents cowardly behavior. We felt like a coward giving into our mother. Yellow is also the colour of her mattress. There was never a sheet on that mattress, we laid on it bare. We didn’t have sheets at all as a child, everything was bare. As an adult I have sheets but not yellow ones. I prefer blue or white. Every Monday is clean sheets day. I even have pillow cases. We didn’t use pillows as a child. I have 6 of them in shams as well as a huge duck and a moose on my bed. I think I’m making up for lost time. One of the things I want for the bed is a drape that goes over the sides of the headboard but isn’t over the bed. It’s more on the wall. It’s easy enough to do. I just need to find the right thing. I’ve been looking.
Continue reading ‘Disinfect’
This is one of those entries that I’ve considered writing before but didn’t because what I’m about to say seems sick and insane. I don’t want to be seen as sick or insane. Yesterday this subject came up in private conversation and I realized I need to say something about it. Maybe I need to say it to purge myself of guilt a little more. The thing is, this is a regular occurrence not just something that has only been said out loud once.
It seems that after a really hard therapy session the only thing I can think about doing is having sex. I’m not even out of my therapist’s door good and I’ve got one thing on my mind, get laid. I can’t even see straight for thinking about it. When I got home (when someone was here to come home to) I could relieve the need for self harm by re-creating abusive acts. Now here I am with no one here to help relieve that need. My eyes have begun to wander and that frightens me.
Am I actually turned on by flashbacks? No, not in the least. So what do I gain from seeking sexual contact after a heavy therapy session or strong flashbacks concerning abuse?
Continue reading ‘Re-create and Destroy - UPDATED’
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