Monthly Archive for August, 2008

Page 3 of 6

Dear Me

Published on August 21, 2008 in Depression, Grief Sadness Loss, Letters Home, Morton's Pride and Pets. 2 Comments

Dear Me,

Maybe that’s not why his eyes were milky white. The doc said it burns like acid when in the eyes but he didn’t say that’s why his eyes were milky white and dilated. What he did say was there’s more going on under the surface than shows with a physical exam. I don’t know anything at all about acid burns nor do I know why the eyes turn milky white and dilated. It is guilt that put two and two together.  Had I checked the spot on his face the fluid wouldn’t have spilled in his eyes, it wouldn’t have blinded him and I could have brought my dog home. There is a possibility that the eye burns were after the loss of eye site. I think you also have to consider the fact that for 3 days your pain level maintained a level ten. When you thought he rolled in something and had a small patch of grease on the side of his face that small spot  (easy to wash off later) took second place to hardly being able to walk. Austin, you went to bed because you couldn’t stand to be awake because you were in so much pain. You did whatever was needed at level 9 but were understandably down for the count when you maintained a level ten for several days. Austin you missed therapy because you could hardly move. That isn’t something you just toss to the way side either.

If I can be so blunt here, you’re use to putting your needs second for things that don’t really matter but when it comes to things that do you try your best to be there. Hell, you even over do it….a lot I might add. You need to eventually understand that laziness and lack of concern played no part in the loss of your dog. Continue reading ‘Dear Me’

Forgiving Myself

Published on August 20, 2008 in Abuse, Art, Mental Health, Morton's Pride, PTSD and Therapy. 3 Comments

We talked about the painting Forgiveness today. I, like most, could list a thousand more things but these are just the basic ones. The main thing is to forgiven myself for the things I had to do to live through what my mother was doing. Some things I can give myself a break on but others are still in need of attention.

Self forgiveness is needed for past and present mistakes or failings such as-
Feeding off of guilt like a sucker fish on waste in a tank.
For all the stuff I put myself through even though I know it’s harmful for me,
For learning to like the pain so I wouldn’t lose my mind.
For even coming up with the idea that I should begin to train myself to like it or I’d die.
For hitting my sister to try and help her escape mentally.
For letting my spirituality go to the way side day by day,
For not having what it takes to manage an outside job right now
For taking so long to leave home
Continue reading ‘Forgiving Myself’

The Phone Call

Published on August 20, 2008 in Depression, Grief Sadness Loss, Pets and Relationships. 3 Comments

My phone rang and I let it go to voicemail because I didn’t want to talk to the person on the other end of the line. Let me back up a bit. I have talking caller ID so I don’t even have to go to the handset to know who’s calling. After they’re number is programmed in I record their name in my own voice. When they call the phone announces the name. Well with this particular person I didn’t use his legal name. So when the person called it said one thing again and again and yet again until voicemail picked it up.  Loudly through out the house you could hear “Motherfucker, (pause) motherfucker, (pause)…etc, etc……” Basically my phone warned me that there was a motherfucker on the other end of the phone so don’t even bother to pick up. Gotta love technology…..Trust me, I care not that you called to give your condolences. You’re still the greatest motherfucker ever…and stop reading my blog!!! (This wasn’t Blossom)

Most of the people that called today I’ve wanted to talk to. I think my ear has been glued to the phone for most of the day. I appreciate it though. I really do. Just being able to chatter on about whatever has been really helpful so thank you everyone.

So how am I doing? I have flashes of anger but mostly now I’m numb. I did the yo-yo thing for a bit and now I’m putting off sleep because for the first time in a long time I’m going to go to bed without him.  I can’t believe that.  I think I’m in shock and disbelief too. Continue reading ‘The Phone Call’

Captain Crunch 2000 – 2008

Published on August 19, 2008 in Depression, Grief Sadness Loss and Pets. 16 Comments

Today Captain Crunch “the Kid” ended his status as best dog and best service dog in the world. He would have been 9 in October. When we went to the vet we did our tradition that was started way back when he first became my service animal. When I had heart surgery, when I had colon surgery, when I went in the hospital for any kind of stay Captain was there with me. Before heart surgery or any other surgery he and I split a biscuit just in case I didn’t make it. We had a just in case symbolic last supper. Since I was about to eat a dog biscuit I had to choose one that looks half ways appetizing so I chose the green one. From our first shared meal it’s been a green dog biscuit. So today at the vet’s office, just before he went to sleep we had our last supper. He got the larger piece. Continue reading ‘Captain Crunch 2000 – 2008′

Disinfect

Published on August 18, 2008 in Abuse, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Mental Health, Morton's Pride, PTSD and Therapy. 1 Comment

As always I held my breath when I passed Dr. D to leave. I expect to get slapped on the back. As I walked through the doorway I wondered, “Does he disinfect his office after I leave?” The thought caught me by surprise. Yes, I feel that dirty, that I’d leave a trail behind me that requires the use of disinfectants to get rid of any traces of filth I may have left behind.

While we talked about recreating the abuse I doodled. It’s helped keep me from rapid switching so I’m happy I do it. He wants to talk more Wednesday about the drawing.

For some reason he thinks he offends me when he asks questions. Most of the time he doesn’t. Today he asked something, I can’t remember what and around the same time Renea (age 9) came out. He thought it was something he asked but our switching had to do with the yellow crayon we were using not the question. Eventually I told him that. We talked about yellow for a little bit and how for us it represents cowardly behavior. We felt like a coward giving into our mother. Yellow is also the colour of her mattress. There was never a sheet on that mattress, we laid on it bare. We didn’t have sheets at all as a child, everything was bare. As an adult I have sheets but not yellow ones. I prefer blue or white. Every Monday is clean sheets day. I even have pillow cases. We didn’t use pillows as a child. I have 6 of them in shams as well as a huge duck and a moose on my bed. I think I’m making up for lost time. One of the things I want for the bed is a drape that goes over the sides of the headboard but isn’t over the bed. It’s more on the wall. It’s easy enough to do. I just need to find the right thing. I’ve been looking. Continue reading ‘Disinfect’

Re-create and Destroy – UPDATED

Published on August 18, 2008 in Abuse, Borderline Personality Disorder, PTSD and Therapy. 5 Comments

This is one of those entries that I’ve considered writing before but didn’t because what I’m about to say seems sick and insane. I don’t want to be seen as sick or insane. Yesterday this subject came up in private conversation and I realized I need to say something about it. Maybe I need to say it to purge myself of guilt a little more. The thing is, this is a regular occurrence not just something that has only been said out loud once.

It seems that after a really hard therapy session the only thing I can think about doing is having sex. I’m not even out of my therapist’s door good and I’ve got one thing on my mind, get laid. I can’t even see straight for thinking about it. When I got home (when someone was here to come home to) I could relieve the need for self harm by re-creating abusive acts. Now here I am with no one here to help relieve that need. My eyes have begun to wander and that frightens me.

Am I actually turned on by flashbacks? No, not in the least. So what do I gain from seeking sexual contact after a heavy therapy session or strong flashbacks concerning abuse? Continue reading ‘Re-create and Destroy – UPDATED’

Dreams, Food and People

Published on August 17, 2008 in Depression, Dreams, Mental Health and Relationships. 2 Comments

The other night I had a dream I was talking to lady who felt she had no right to live. I told her that she had every right to be here and that there was nothing she could reveal to me about her abusive past that would make me think differently. I told her over and over again, “You have a right to be here as much as anyone else.” I woke up more tired than when I laid down.

Last night I had a dream that I woke up and my apartment was filled with brand new oil paints. Someone purchased all the oils from Hobby Lobby and placed them in my apartment. When I woke I was thrilled but leery. Why would someone give me this gift? I woke more tired than when I laid down. Continue reading ‘Dreams, Food and People’