Monthly Archives: September 2008

Should Have Been 9

As far as today goes, today went pretty well. I’ve had a good few days in a row now. I got to talk to a friend of mine on the phone. I saw Chi then came home where Maureen made dinner for my two roommates. Fife Sr.’s daughter has a farm so when he came back from his visit he brought a bunch of fresh veggies and stuff.  “I” went ahead and made some garlic bread then made homemade meat sauce over spaghetti. It was pretty darn good. Gosh it’s nice to see Maureen around again.  After that I retired to my porch with the girl  (that would be Ladybird) for a cup of coffee. I can’t complain about how the day has gone.My concern however is how I’ll do on the first. Captain would have been nine years old October 1st.

It breaks my heart. I miss my boy. I’m happy I have therapy on his birthday. I’m angry enough to throw things…. not just sad but angry that he’s gone. I like Ladybird, I really do. She likes to snuggle and hug and stuff and she’s doing really well with her training. But I miss my boy… I miss my boy.

Part of me thinks I killed my dog but another part chimes up with, “my gosh you had to put him down. you had to. what else could you do?” Continue reading

This Is My Heart and Soul

I saw the new pdoc who is actually a nurse practitioner. I sort of grilled her about her experience with psych meds. I asked not just what meds she knows but what meds she’s seen make a difference in the lives of her clients. We talked about prescription Lyrica for the fybro. Right now we’re keeping all meds as they are. During the session she asked the basics. Have you ever been abused, is there a history of addiction in your family, blah, blah, blah, etc, etc. She then asked if I’m in a relationship. I said yes but it’s brand spanking new. She asked if the person is a man or woman. When I answered she paused then said, “Um, how long have you been gay?” I laughed and said, “About as long as I’ve been black.” It was a nice icebreaker. She and I laughed about it. She said it was a stupid question but I thought it was kinda funny.

We then moved into a bit about the mother. She just shook her head like most do in total disgust. At the end she said, “Now, lets discuss your fee.” I about fell over. I know I changed 6 colours when she said that. I said, “Um, fee? I was under the impression this was pro-bono. That’s what the secretary said; this is pro-bono for right now.” She said it wasn’t and could I pay anything at all. I said, no, I don’t have anything to give you. I have three dollars and you can’t have it. I immediately thought to myself, “I could always do like people do at a restaurant. I wouldn’t dine and dash but psych and dash.” She then asked if I’d be willing to trade artwork or crafts as payment. I’m sure I didn’t show it but I was livid. This is the thing, I’ve bartered with my artwork for a lot of different things. I’ve bartered for furniture, DVD’s, work on my computer and a host of other things but I WILL NEVER trade art for therapy. Hell I’ve sold art therapy sketches before but I will not trade my art for psych services. I’d rather get a bill for that $100 session than to hand her a hundred bucks worth of prints or a few dolls. Forget that. It’s not going to happen. I thought all of that but I never said anything. I just looked at her in total disbelief. Continue reading

Ladybird Update and Other

This is quick update to say the clinic may have been wrong about when to expect the pups. Her milk has dropped. So far no mucus or anything like that but I think seeing pups sooner than the end of October is a real possibility. I’ve prepared a place for her in the bedroom with clean sheets that shall never, ever be used again. The girls will be moved to the living room area away from Ladybird while she has the pups as well as for a few weeks after. I think Grace the Great Annoyer will be fine with the pups but Bella the Destroyer might see them as mice so it’s best to keep them apart for a bit especially when they’re brand spanking new. Continue reading


It was all around a good day. There was nothing spectacular that happened. I didn’t win the lottery or anything like that but I feel good.

Usually when I get up I hit the ground running. I’m moving here and there, getting things done. This morning was no different. I think Sunday may be the busiest day of week because it’s the day I prepare for the rest of the week. I think it may also be one of the most stressful days because it’s the start of a new therapy week. Before I go into that let me just say after three loads of laundry, a little bit of cooking and a short trip out I was ready for a nap. This is when I smiled inside. Continue reading

Charlene – Moving Through and Forward

Charlene DollMy goodness, she was hard but fun. I can’t wait to do the next one and the next one. This is actually the 4th doll I’ve ever made but there will be more.

In addition to moving from sock dolls to 28 inch rag dolls I’ve also come to see sewing as a great form of relaxation. I like the repetitive stitching. Since I most need relaxation in the evening time I snuggle up in my little Lazy Boy and have at it. I may toss on music or just sit with my fur babies around me and sew until my heart is content. Continue reading

A Little Gift for Sparrows

Each month I Photobucketbuy myself something small. I usually get it from the dollar store or a garage sale. I don’t spend much on it but I want to be able to treat myself to something just for me. This month I found something I’ve wanted for a very long time. I got a water fountain/ bird feeder.

As you can see, she has bumps and dents but in my opinion it makes her even more beautiful. There are some, however, that I intend to mend especially the one at her feet. What’s on her shoulder in the photo you say? Well, I needed a good background for a leaf pendant I have up in my Etsy shop. So I put it on her shoulder and took the photo. That’s when I realized this isn’t just a great fixer-upper it’s a great piece for photography as well as other artwork. Continue reading

Kneeling Before The Mother

I think I’m just going to jump right into the memory thing with the mother. I don’t know how to start it easy so I’m going to jump right into it. This is what I remember.

She would sit on the edge of the love seat and I’d sit between her legs. Sometimes she was just combing my hair but I had to face her with her legs open. She wasn’t wearing anything at all or what she was wearing was a half slip pulled up under her arms. When I’d complain she’d tell me I couldn’t see anything because she was too fat. She said her fat legs didn’t let me see anything. Sometimes I kept my eyes closed but it didn’t prevent me from smelling her. Sometimes all she did was comb my hair but other times she wanted sexual contact. I was not allowed to do my own hair until high school. To this day I don’t get on my knees for fuckin’ anybody or anything and I certainly don’t crawl. I don’t crawl. Continue reading