Before you left on vacation I asked if I could paint a picture of how I see you. Of course that took you by surprise. We talk about how I try to keep you as unreal as possible so as not to ever see you as a threat but I’m sure you never expected me to want to paint a picture of it. The truth is, I don’t want to. I think I said it because I’m having a hard time with the idea of you going away right now. I wanted to hold onto something solid so I figured if I could at least paint you it would be like you weren’t really gone. There are huge losses right now. When you said you were going on vacation it felt like another loss. I wanted to grab on tightly.
I am sorry that I keep reminding you that I don’t see you as real. It’s just that if I begin to see you as a whole person then I will not tell you half of what I want and need you to know. If I think of you as human, as real, as a body with a mind and breath then I’ll begin to give you characteristics of the humans I’ve come to know in my life. I will not trust you. I will see you as a threat the same as I see most other human beings. Not looking at you, keeping you at a distance means I can keep talking and do so without fearing that you’ll become cruel, judgmental and eventually violent. Continue reading ‘Faceless Yet Significant’
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