Daily Archive for September 10th, 2008

I like the stand in therapist but I’d like to be a bit more honest about my experience with her today. Major, major triggers. I just don’t do well with a female therapist. One of the things that I don’t do well with is touch. She reached out to shake my hand. What did I do? I shook her hand as if I had no choice in the matter. I, Joan, stayed out the entire session and watched her every single solitary move. I watched her eyes blink, I watched when and how she crossed her legs. I listened to the inflection in her voice and questioned her words, each and every one of them. Damn it, all from a hand shake I didn’t feel I had the right to deny. Had she been male I would have simply shook my head and apologized for not wanting to shake his hand. With a female it feels like my rights to space do not exist. Once I complied even though I didn’t want to I was angry, not with her but with myself for not saying no. It got worse from there. We talked in the session about artwork. When I spread out my sketch book on her ottoman she moved in beside it and knelt down which means she was on her knees almost in front of me. I kept wanting to say something but didn’t. I couldn’t’ say anything. I just acted like everything was okay. Now I just wring my hands and ask myself why I responded like a little girl. Say nothing just deal with it. So I’m a bit angry with myself. Truthfully, had she come back with a validating response such as, “It’s good you can set that boundary” I would have shot the validation down. After all this is a woman who was on her knees in front of me, like my  mother.  What really can she say to me that now means anything other than “I’m going to hurt you?” Gracious, my issues with women run deep.

Continue reading ‘Fear of Women, Strength With Men’