I like the stand in therapist but I’d like to be a bit more honest about my experience with her today. Major, major triggers. I just don’t do well with a female therapist. One of the things that I don’t do well with is touch. She reached out to shake my hand. What did I do? I shook her hand as if I had no choice in the matter. I, Joan, stayed out the entire session and watched her every single solitary move. I watched her eyes blink, I watched when and how she crossed her legs. I listened to the inflection in her voice and questioned her words, each and every one of them. Damn it, all from a hand shake I didn’t feel I had the right to deny. Had she been male I would have simply shook my head and apologized for not wanting to shake his hand. With a female it feels like my rights to space do not exist. Once I complied even though I didn’t want to I was angry, not with her but with myself for not saying no. It got worse from there. We talked in the session about artwork. When I spread out my sketch book on her ottoman she moved in beside it and knelt down which means she was on her knees almost in front of me. I kept wanting to say something but didn’t. I couldn’t’ say anything. I just acted like everything was okay. Now I just wring my hands and ask myself why I responded like a little girl. Say nothing just deal with it. So I’m a bit angry with myself. Truthfully, had she come back with a validating response such as, “It’s good you can set that boundary” I would have shot the validation down. After all this is a woman who was on her knees in front of me, like my mother. What really can she say to me that now means anything other than “I’m going to hurt you?” Gracious, my issues with women run deep.
I feel like I owe her an apology for not being straight forward and I feel like I owe myself an apology for not being straight forward and setting a boundary I need especially when it only got worse at the end. One of the things I told Dr. D that I worry about with him is that after the session I fear when I pass him he’ll pat me on the back or slap me on the back. As I walked from her office she patted my back. I’m sure my body temperature dropped by 50 degrees in a split second. When I had my back turned to her she touched me. Even now I cringe at the thought that I didn’t tell her no so two more times she touched me. All I had to do was say no. The funny thing is, the other day when Fife Jr. and I were talking he started standing a bit too close. I asked him to stand back a bit. No hesitation at all in asking. I can set limits with men without a second thought. I do not do it well with women, especially women in a position of authority. So now I’m kicking myself because I feel like that little girl again, the one who couldn’t use her voice. I did exactly what I did as a child, I pretended I was okay and not frightened enough to cower in a corner. I do not intentionally hide my true fear or anxiety so “well”. Its habit, it’s automatic. Another sketch we talked about had to do with just that, how it is that I try so hard to contain my anxiety and fear. Sometimes it spills out and I feel totally stupid for showing it. I think I was trying to ease my way into telling her that I didn’t want to be touched. Had I been able to voice this she wouldn’t have touched me when I walked past her.
I then came home and Blossom called wanting her stupid DVD back. I know very well I answered the phone out of obligation. I started off the day not using my voice with The Lamb (stand in therapist). I’ve said before, the more I neglect to use my voice the easier it is to not use it the next time. Later during the day Barney told me I have until the beginning of the year to move. There was nothing to say about that. No harsh words, no expression or anything which has him rattled. What can I say? I mean really? What would he have me say?
I see the stand in therapist again on Thursday. This is the thing, I’m going to keep her on as the stand in because when the issues are this strong they need to be addressed. I know for certain she would not touch me if I asked her not to. I know if I need a stand in therapist she is one that would be good to have so I’m not going to suggest that he find me a male stand in when he’s gone and I need a “babysitter”.
(Deep sigh) I’m about to climb into bed with three cats and a dog. I’m afraid though, afraid of going to sleep but I think it’s about time this day came to an end.
Art therapy: Contained Emotion -
This was sketched in the car Aug 23rd, 2008. It’s a sketch I’ve done a thousand times before. It is also the sketch The Lamb and I talked about where I really wanted to tell her I was hiding how triggered I felt by her touching me and kneeling in front of me.
Basically it shows my strong concentration and desire to contain emotion so as not to show it or spill it. The small falling petals appear to be tears but are actually emotions I lost control of. For instance, when I am overly sarcastic or snap at someone who doesn’t deserve it it’s a loss of control, it’s a spilling from the main flower which represents where I hold emotions. The closer the petals are together the more emotion there is. The further apart they are the less control I feel I have to hide what I’m feeling. The flower covers most of the face, the stem goes right through the mouth, the leaf curls around. Totally emotional but fighting hard to not show it, that’s what this sketch is about.
J of A
Fear of Women, Strength With Men-Tuesday, September 09, 2008-10:26PM EST
I know how hard that therapy session must have been for you. Oh the agony of feeling once again like a small, voiceless child! It’s perfectly understandable that you weren’t able to express how uncomfortable you were with being touched. Your mother issues go deep; how could a female therapist not set off some serious triggers?
You have nothing to kick yourself for, you were frozen with the inability to articulate your need to not have your space violated.
As for the Barney situation, I just don’t get it. I realize he wants you out so that his daughter can move in, but still. I thought he liked having you there. I can imagine how the news of his wanting you to move must have struck you.
A hard, hard day, and Blossom thrown in as a bonus!
oh austin,
rats, fucking rats. Fife is SO WRONG in this. So wrong. You deserve better. Well, maybe the universe is sending you better. I certainly expect it to.
yeah, what do we do with that powerful transference? I go through that, too. But I think it’s not just me. I find that women want to “mother” me but for obvious reasons, like you, the last thing I want is for someone to try to play my mother in a therapy session. Especially someone I don’t know. Too many holes to fall into there. I’ve never been able to do well with a woman therapist. They tend to try to either mother or over-identify with me and I’m not comfortable with either approach. I have had better luck with relationships that are a bit more formal, like women doctors. I have women friends too. The therapist thing is pretty tangled. I admire you for even being willing to give it a shot.
man, austin, wow. Well, I am just going to tell the universe it needs to send you better. You deserve to be better appreciated and honored as the supportive and stable housemate I am sure you are. The hell with those who do not see what they have in you. Others will.
wily
You expressed yourself so eloquently…that constant struggle of what to do..what not to do. I’m afraid to do it…I want to do it. As both a therapist and a survivor, I can tell you it is sooooo much more helpful if my client tells me their discomfort with anything. More important than anything else is my desire to have a client feel safe in my office. If you aren’t feeling as safe as you can be, you aren’t going to share as much or *hear* as much. In working with trauma survivors, I am very aware of the touch issue and always ask. Even if I want to move closer for some work, I’ll ask first. If your therapist is not doing that, it’s very okay to train her about your boundaries. Please do share how touch and space are issues and you would feel safer if she “….”. Every trauma client is different. She needs to hear from you. It’s okay. What you wrote above…maybe you could print it out and allow her to read it??? Again, thank you for sharing such insights. It’s an honor to read of your internal struggles. Very inspiring and helpful.
Truthfully Blossom called on the right day. She called on a day when I was already mother triggered. So the sound of her voice was like fingernails on a chalk board instead of the soothing sound of familiarity. It was a good day to affirm that it’s over and over for good.
I was hanging out with Chi while Blossom was still trying to hold onto “us”. Blossom and I broke up officially quite some time ago. It’s only been in the last month or so that I told her to take her stuff and stop trying to act like we’re friends cause we’re not. she didn’t need to stay here every week end. But the actual break up was a bit ago. Anyway, I was hanging with Chi during the “get it through your head we’re not together anymore” phase. Chi and Blossom know each other from Chi’s work. It is too damn early for drama with Chi so this is the last thing I need. I already know Blossom wants a 4th go round but that’s not going to happen. Not a chance. Finally a nice girl who holds a job, doesn’t drink, do drugs, and has a sense of responsibility? Yeah, I’m going to try again with Blossom. Uh, huh, and after that I’ll try open heart surgery while I’m awake.
Blossom also told me she understands me. No, no you don’t cause if you did you wouldn’t call me. Girl, just don’t cause I’m so not in the mood. There is too much bullshit going on to deal with her right now.
Joan
I don’t know if this is helpful, but I would write it down. “Please don’t touch me or come close to me.” And I’d hand it to her at the beginning of the session.
Then if you want to talk about it, it’s out there, and you don’t get touched again.
I’m glad that puppy has found a home with you. All the rest — seems like SO much. Best wishes from over here in Roseland.