I read over my entry about how the stand in therapist touched me and thought to myself, wow you sound so helpless and young. It bothered me. I understand how triggered I was. The reason I was triggered is quite valid but I also understand my thinking process was off. I thought about it as a victim. I said several times in that post had I said something her behavior would have been different. I blamed myself for being triggered. I blamed myself for someone else’s actions. The therapist wasn’t abusive by any means but I still blamed my lack of action on her continued actions. How many times did I do that as a child? I figured if I’d said something to someone sooner, had I done this or that the mother might have stopped or been stopped. Now I need to stop and consider that my thinking was off and was based on that of a child who truly had no options. I need to bring myself back to 2008. Of course I’m going to need to get okay with not using my voice on Tuesday but I have a plan for that. I see the stand in therapist again tomorrow and I’ll tell her how I felt in the session especially when she knelt in front of me. (shutter)
After thinking on this further I’ve concluded this – It is not true that she continued to touch me because I didn’t use my voice. She continued to touch me because she thought it was okay to do so. It wasn’t.
Two different things took place and no blame needs to be handed out. I may not need to place blame but I do need to set the boundary. I need to do this for the woman I am today and the child I use to be.
Joan of Arc
Reclaim My Voice: Women and Boundaries-Thursday, September 11, 2008-1:06PM EST
UPDATE:
I talked to the stand in. It went well. I told her why it was so difficult to see her on her knees in front of me. My mother had me do that on the sofa so it wasn’t good at all…. just not good. I don’t even want to go there right now. So anyway, I talked to her about it. It was easier to hear her validation than I thought it was. I figured I’d think she was feeding me a line but I took it well. We then talked about Barney Fife and the Fife Family. Major resentment for having to move. Anger and all the expected emotions have come up but I know for certain I’m not going to think about it until next month. Captain’s birthday is coming up October 1st. I will not think about anything until I get through that. I need to get through this month and past Cap’s birthday. After that I hope to be good. September is never, ever a good month for me, not ever and this one just seems crazier than most.
I’m going to sleep now.
Austin
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