I don’t know what my issue is but I’m not right. I haven’t put a bite of food in my mouth in two days. I’ve been taking in fluids but not food. I’m angry enough to throw things. I’m extra jumpy too. All the cat did was meow and I about had to be pealed off the ceiling. The dog sneezed and I all but had to be pealed off the ceiling. Some stupid motorcycle went by and my heart raced for several minutes afterwards. I’m not sure what my issue is but damn if this isn’t crazy.
I guess I should know what my problem is but things right now seem so … I don’t know… I can’t put my finger on what my issue is. It’s like I keep looking for something to go, okay, this is why I feel this way. Just as I think I’ll understand my mind goes blank.
This morning when I woke up I didn’t immediately jump up and start my day. I laid there for I don’t know how long. I don’t usually do that. Last night I had that feeling of dread inside and that kind of scared me. I have this total feeling of despair especially when I don’t know why.
I keep thinking to myself, I’m forgetting something. What am I forgetting? Did I forget to go someplace or call someone or what? What am I forgetting? But I don’t know. I really just don’t know.
Austin
Maybe it’s that your place doesn’t feel so much like home anymore now that you know you won’t get to stay there indefinitely? If it were me I know that’d be more than enough to make me feel unsafe and triggered. I mean, that along with the loss of Captain might be making you feel way more hypervigilant than you’d normally be?
I dunno, just throwing some ideas out there. It could be a million things – that’s the trouble with triggers. They’re everywhere and really hard to identify!
What I was going to say boils down to the same thing Catatonic Kid said… You no longer have Captain which may make you feel rather unsafe. You have Ladybird but she has yet to learn everything Captin knew… plus she jumped out of your car, which was a shock.
You probably don’t feel like you yourself have a forever home now since you know you’ll be moving.
Your fill-in therapist isn’t going to be there long.
And there is even more than what is listed that has come up recently that you are trying to process.
You have a LOT on your plate right now. A lot. It may not be one thing that is setting you off, but a the combination of things.
I hope I did not just make it worse by pointing this all out.
Lots of safe comforting hugs,
~eni
I agree with the two other comments, you do have an awful lot to deal with lately. It’s hard living somewhere with the necessity of moving soon looming overhead.
Also, I know that the beginning of fall can be hard for a lot of abuse survivors. I never understood why, until a therapist told me that one reason could be that during the summer months kids usually play outside much longer and aren’t as accessible to their abusers.With fall comes shorter days and being stuck inside most of the time.I don’t know if this applies here, but thought I’d toss it in anyhow.
Just losing Captain would be enough, more than enough to cause you to feel so unsettled and jumpy.
September is ugly… usually very ugly but I kept thinking it was October. I’ll write more later I suppose. Gotta call the therapist to verify my Monday appointment. I have an appointment today too.
I keep thinking it’s October too! In fact I arranged to have Maddy’s birthday during our camping trip while the whole gang was together–totally not realizing that this is still September. Her birthday isn’t until next month!