The People Behind My Eyes

As far as today goes, today went pretty well. I’ve had a good few days in a row now. I got to talk to a friend of mine on the phone. I saw Chi then came home where Maureen made dinner for my two roommates. Fife Sr.’s daughter has a farm so when he came back from his visit he brought a bunch of fresh veggies and stuff.  “I” went ahead and made some garlic bread then made homemade meat sauce over spaghetti. It was pretty darn good. Gosh it’s nice to see Maureen around again.  After that I retired to my porch with the girl  (that would be Ladybird) for a cup of coffee. I can’t complain about how the day has gone.My concern however is how I’ll do on the first. Captain would have been nine years old October 1st.

It breaks my heart. I miss my boy. I’m happy I have therapy on his birthday. I’m angry enough to throw things…. not just sad but angry that he’s gone. I like Ladybird, I really do. She likes to snuggle and hug and stuff and she’s doing really well with her training. But I miss my boy… I miss my boy.

Part of me thinks I killed my dog but another part chimes up with, “my gosh you had to put him down. you had to. what else could you do?”

Today I swept under my bed and some black dog hair was swept up. I thought, man, you’re getting rid of all traces of him. I know I’m not and he’s not being replaced by Ladybird. I don’t even think along those lines but when I clean up and find a toy of his it’s a reminder that he’s not hear when he should be. I just think to myself, he’s supposed to be here. He’s not supposed to be gone, he’s just not. They aren’t supposed to die.

I miss his ears and those big brown eyes. I miss his feisty attitude he’d get when all I put in his bowl was regular dog food. He’d look at me like, Oh so I’m not working today right? All I get is dog food so I must have the day off. He’d go to the bowl then walk away like, whatever that is I’m not eating it.  miss making his bed for him just to have him steal my covers and scrunch them up on the floor. I miss him sniffing me up and down when I come in the door to see if there was the smell of another dog on me…. like I’d cheated on him or something. Where ya been mom? Who were you with? I miss the long drinks of water that were so loud it sounded like he had a microphone by his bowl. I do not miss watching his leg tremble or seeing the look in his eye that meant he was in excruciating pain. And I don’t miss watching his weight drop so fast or watching him stumble around confused and disoriented. But I miss his drive and his zest for life. I miss walking with him and picking with him. I miss watching him pick with his sisters Bella and Gracie. I can’t even believe he’s gone.

It’s hard………

Right now I have Ladybird sniffing outside the office door. When we go to sleep she’ll get really close to me and snuggle. She likes hugs too.  This should be helpful when trying to make it through October 1st without crying all day long.

These are his tags in a shadow box. The furry stuff in the background is from a duck he use to bring to me when I was upset. I’ve had it as long as I had him.

J of A