Amy Smiles thinks Dr. D might be a bit daft. She doesn’t think he’s that bright. (he doesn’t read our blog, thank goodness.) She’s also figured out that she’s a five year old messenger. I have issues with that too because a five year old shouldn’t have to sit in therapy and talk about this kind of stuff. We talked about the muzzle as well as other instances of being treated like a dog. We talked about continued flashbacks from when the Lamb was on her knees in front of us then we ended by talking about our issues with being gay and how uncomfortable we are with that. I can’t remember why we started calling her the Lamb. Somehow through all of that talking I nearly fell asleep in session. I just couldn’t keep my eyes open. I was so tired I couldn’t see straight. We’re going to go over that particular sofa memory a little more to try and desensitize it. Oh joy. I so look forward to that.. the same as I look forward to tooth extractions and open heart surgery with no anesthesia. When I got up to leave I wasn’t balanced and fell. Quite embarrassing. I’ve been having trouble with my legs for the last few days. This is the first time in a long time I’ve fallen in public. Joy of joys. I wondered if I was going to make it down the stairs okay. I just sat down and thought about how my pride kept me from bringing my cane to therapy. .. that and it didn’t match my outfit.
Monthly Archive for September, 2008Page 2 of 5
These are the drawings I did when the power went out during Hurricane Ike. I figured they’d look different in the light of day. I was right. Seems darkness spreads a girls nose wider than intended. I plan to fix that in a bit. After I saw the first one I decided to wait until the sun went down to paint it. So in addition to sketching her in the dark I transferred her to a different piece of paper, fixed that dang on nose (on the transfer) then painted her again in the dark.
I really like the look on the face of the pencil sketch version of the flower girl.
Save room for me will ya?
So what’s new in my world? Well, it appears I’m going to be a grandmother. Yup… but I’m not in the least bit thrilled about it. I took her to get fixed and they said they’d have to abort the puppies before they fixed her. Hell no, no you can’t abort the puppies.
I know she lied but I guess when you use the word “lie” out loud it sounds and lands much differently from when its heard inside. My mother lied. My abusers lied. In my head it lands with a soft but haunting thud. My mother lied. My abusers lied. Out loud it nearly knocks me off my feet. For the first time ever someone told me in those words, “She lied to you.” I mean I know she did but to say it out loud is to make it all her fault and take the blame off of me. Truthfully, I still blame myself for some things but what is more, I still feel bad inside and I still am willing to believe on some levels that this abuse story I tell can’t really be true. To say she lied means I am believed. To believe me is to confirm that I am a good liar and can convince good and honest people to turn against the mother. It is so confusing. In my head it’s a secret but out loud it’s a conspiracy to bring the woman that gave birth to me down in a ball of slanderous flames.
Every September for as long as I can remember we went to my grandfather’s old orphanage. It’s a historical place and a beautiful one too. I have very fond memories of it especially hanging by the duck pond in paddle boats or laying beside geese gazing at the starry sky. I have amazing memories from that place.
Dr. D - What is that on her face?
Amy Smiles - It’s a mask. You wear it over your head so you can’t talk.
Dr. D - What do you call it?
Amy Smiles - A muzzle.
Dr. D - Why did she make you wear it?
Amy Smiles - Because we were dogs.
Dr. D - No, you weren’t a dog but she did treat you like one.
Amy Smiles - I’m sorry.
The cousin (Wolf) ate off the floor and not at the table because dogs don’t eat at the table.
The sister and I slept outside in the driveway in the car because dogs don’t sleep in the house.
We were just dogs to them.
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J of A
We Were Dogs-Saturday, September 20, 2008-12:39AM EST
I’ve had a lot of dreams about water lately. Night time images often heavily influence my he(art). This painting called “On The Eve of Something Beautiful” is based on the dreams I’ve had of flowing water and feathers.
The dress of this young woman drapes across her and forms a river where a small sprout comes forth. On the sprout is a cardinal, on the limbs of her hair is another. I’m a lover of texture so there’s a lot of that to see as well. Greens and hues of blue are accented by bursts of orange and small dabs of yellow and red. Her face is half concealed, her arms folded around her holding her inner earth steady above the river.
On The Eve of Something Beautiful has version one and version two. Displayed in this entry is version two. Please see link to view both paintings.
F. Magdalene
Painted Dreams-Friday, September 19, 2008-2:09PM EST
I don’t know what my issue is but I’m not right. I haven’t put a bite of food in my mouth in two days. I’ve been taking in fluids but not food. I’m angry enough to throw things. I’m extra jumpy too. All the cat did was meow and I about had to be pealed off the ceiling. The dog sneezed and I all but had to be pealed off the ceiling. Some stupid motorcycle went by and my heart raced for several minutes afterwards. I’m not sure what my issue is but damn if this isn’t crazy.
I guess I should know what my problem is but things right now seem so … I don’t know…
Dear Ladybird,
Dear little one, white with a brown spot on her butt, huge brown eyes and even bigger floppy ears. It is my loving duty to encourage you to never again jump from the window of a moving vehicle. I try my best to keep you from hearing words of thunder pour from my mouth but when you go flying out the window with your ears caught in the breeze colourful words will abound. So please, for the love of all that is holy, do not, I repeat, do not jump out of the car window. Thank goodness we were only pulling off or your spotted ass would have been in more trouble than it was already in.
A small petting zoo was housed in the backyard of the apartment where I lived in the second grade. The second grade was also a pivotal year as far as abuse goes. In this zoo there were caged lions, caged dogs bigger than I’ve ever seen before and other wild African animals in the big cat family. It was feeding time but I didn’t want to help feed them. The caretaker took offense at this and decided that if I didn’t want to help feed them she’d tease me by tossing fish on me so the lions would come after me. I started helping from that point. The cages up front had smaller animals, still ferocious if un-caged but smaller than the lions and whatever else was in the back. The zoo went on and on it seemed, right up the window. The less dangerous ones were on the outside the most dangerous ones were right up next to my bedroom window. Interesting is that the lions were on the outside. One would think they would be classified as the most dangerous but whatever was against the window wasn’t something I wanted to mess with but I still felt the need to let them eat so I began throwing fish as hard as I could so it would reach them. As I picked up fish they turned to a cow’s femur. Even still I threw it with all my might to get to the other animals. Once out of fish we had to cross these cages from the top to get back inside the apartment. So here we’d pretty much teased them with bits of fish then we put our bodies on top of the cages to get back inside the apartment.
I was in an apartment that I use to live in at age three or four which for reference is the first apartment where I remember specific abuses. In the dream I’m an adult in the living room talking to people I didn’t know. The room was full of people, adults, children, teens all talking and moving about. There wasn’t any obvious distress; it was just tight in there. They all decided to get out of the house so they left. I was alone in the apartment with the light out. At first I was okay but then a bit uncomfortable. I decided to distract myself but what I wanted to distract myself with was in the car so I stepped out onto the balcony of the second floor apartment so I could climb down to the car below and retrieve the item.
I stepped out on the balcony where Ladybird was sitting. She was looking at the sunset over the trees. As I started to move across the wooden boards they one by one snapped and broke behind me. I had to keep moving forward because I couldn’t go back home. When I turned around there was a huge hole in the floor boards, large enough for three adults to fall through. I didn’t see it while crossing it was only after I passed it that I saw it. The balcony was nearly disintegrating after I stepped on it. The wood was rotten to the core, water logged, un-cared for and left to the elements without concern for it or anyone who stepped on it. Eventually I got to the ground but of course it wasn’t the normal yard I knew.
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