Perhaps I just like the colour red and that’s why I don’t run when I see red flags! Oh look red…me like red.
Is this a red flag or is it my own fears because I know I recently got out of a relationship with someone who has this disorder. First let me say, this will be offensive to people who have Bipolar disorder. What I’m about to say may sound harsh and I’d be offended if someone said this about DID. So please, I apologize because I know this is offensive. I need to say it though…..
In addition to the Borderline traits of Blossom she is also an un-medicated Bipolar. She was so hard to live with and deal with because of the Borderline but once you add mania to it she became unbearable. She was manipulative, spiteful, petty, underhanded and sometimes down right cruel. She’s a small little child in an adult body. Then toss a serious under managed disorder in there and you’ve got yourself a homicide defense. She made me so angry sometimes and so confused. I never knew what to expect. Now I find out Chi is Bipolar One and I think to myself, well fuckin-A. Yes, that’s right, that’s exactly what I thought. Fuckin-A!!
When she told me I said, “Um, I asked you about this. That’s the very first thing I asked you.” I suppose that makes all the other answered questions null and void. Argh!!! She said she knows Blossom and she’s not Blossom.
Continue reading ‘Turn And Run or Stay and Observe?’
I would say I don’t know what my issue is but I do. Right now all I can do is sleep. I’ve slept most of the time since therapy. I even skipped seeing my “hug therapist”. That would have done me some good but I didn’t even go. As I was all curled up under a ton of covers I thought to myself, it would be nice to fall asleep in her arms. I started snoring after that and only got up to the clock to care for those with fur or answer mother nature.
In other news, I was planning a Random Friday entry concerning Halloween and childhood antics but who knows if that longer more detailed entry will happen. I think I’ll just give a few quick lines and leave it at that. Here goes….
My family didn’t celebrate this holiday or any other ones but like most kids I really wanted that candy. During my 4th grade year I skipped school and went door to door with a good story sure to get me all the candy I could ever want. I knocked at the first door and told the lady I was unable to go out the night before because I was with my grandmother. I made a hand motion meaning it was a long story then said, “Anyway, I was wondering if you have any candy left over. Would you mind giving me a few pieces?” Door after door this story worked. They gave me all the candy they had left, after all I just implied I spent the evening with my sick grandmother instead of begging along side the other kids. I was a good and helpful, innocent and sweet little girl just trying to get a treat before going back to care for her sick grandmother. The little girl with the big brown eyes, two pony tails and a scheme bigger than herself had to go home to drop off candy then come back out. That’s how well it worked. Now doesn’t that beat dressing up like a Star Wars character only to get half a bag of treats?
Some might say I was a “special child” but I call that innovation. I think I was ahead of my time.
Austin (yawns with mouth wide, wide open. I must return to bed)
Tricks and Treats-Friday, October 31, 2008-3:35AM EST
Puppies drive me crazy. They’re destructive little poop machines that drool then give you the big brown sad eyes so you won’t make them sleep on the porch. Damn you Brody and your big brown eyes. Damn you.
Haley Halo and Mama Ladybird have been kicked out of the bedroom at night because Baby Halo fusses so much. Get out with your adorably spotted self, closed eyes and sweet little pink nose. Get out of my bedroom.
I think I might be experiencing some PMS symptoms.
My cab driver spent most of the drive to and from therapy dogging the races again. He left no one out. Ya’ll are all hated equally..men, women, kids, elderly drivers as well as every ethnic group past and present. All of us, he hates us all.
In addition to verbal assaults against humanity Cabby Negative joked about robbing a bank. I asked if he would show up armed with his cane then limp away with what money the bank has left? I figure if you’re going to rob a bank you should at least be half way able bodied.
Continue reading ‘Puppies and Cab Driver Madness’
In the ninth grade we had to have a note from home allowing sex education classes. I never got one of those notes. I never took that class but I did take basic Health instead. In one session we talked about mental illness then watched a show about Schizophrenia. I recall the teacher breaking us into groups of 5 and telling us that 1 out of 5 people would suffer from some form of mental illness in their lifetime. She always broke us into groups to explain statistics such as this. We were in groups to determine who would be pregnant before they were ready. We were in groups to determine who would have AIDS, who would have another type of STD, so on and so forth. I recall thinking, what if my group is actually the 5 that will not be affected by these things? My thinking was, I’m in the safe five because I’m not going down that path. I’m in the safe five because I’ll watch my association. I’ll do what I know I should do and what is right instead of simply falling in line.
Even at a young age I refused to be a statistic. I saw better for myself even then. In the middle of horror I saw better for myself. I try to think about this drive I had early on when I’m up late like now thinking what a waste I’ve become. Drive, determination and focus got me through unmentionable things. That little person was one tough cookie. I can’t help but smile at my young self sometimes.
I need once again the spark that separates me from the sheep.
Joan of Arc
The Safe Five-Wednesday, October 29, 2008-1:49AM EST
I’m not afraid to love but I am afraid to be loved. For some reason that phrase has played in my head for the last hour or so.
In other news Princess Fife (deep sigh) is at it again. This time she asked her father King Fife if she could have one of my, yes my little space heaters. King Fife asked me and I said no. He said, “Those are my heaters.” I told him that technically they are his heaters but they’re under my care until I move so no, she can’t have one. He said I can’t use 4 at one time. I told him that’s not the point. If she wants a heater she can go buy herself one. He looked rather shocked. I added that he may not be able to tell her no but I sure can. I wanted to sing song the word no but I resisted the temptation. I also barely held back a small victory dance made special for the no-no song.
Later in the evening I walked into the kitchen and King Fife turned his back to me. There was a sting of pain because it was obvious he’s upset. I said, “Are you not talking to me?” he said, “That’s right.”
Continue reading ‘Intoxicated’
I’ve had dreams for years about houses that I knew had to do with the condition of my inner self. At first the house was small and something no one but I could see. In order to get to it for safety I had to get past wolves and lions. Once inside the house no one could see or hurt me. Over the years the house got bigger and had furniture. The house was always in the same spot for years which was in my grandmother’s back yard but that changed as well. This house went from invisible to only visible to those who needed it then right to being remodeled and rented out. I ran to it one day and saw a For Rent sign on it. The landlord inside said a family had been kicked out of the house because they gutted it. I looked around and saw they’d burned the kitchen and the living room something awful. He said he had another family that would move in as soon as he cleaned the place up. I’d have to wait if I wanted to rent it. Available only to me then no longer available to me even though I owned it.
Continue reading ‘Inner Houses’
I know I’ve got about 25 different drawings completed this week of little children with leaves for hair. I figure when I seem obsessed with one particular image it means there’s something I need to process out. Right now I’m focused on kids with leaves for hair. Most of them are girls, a few are boys and maybe 5 or 6 are adult women.
None of them are smiling. I usually don’t put smiles on my drawings. Most of them have their eyes closed and most of them are singles. Only 2 or 3 have more than one girl in the drawing. I guess what’s interesting to me as well is these were all done in pencil. I hardly ever use a pencil for sketches. I use black gel pens. These pencil drawings were so light I had to work my butt off to get them to show up on the scanner. So, whatever it is I’m attempting to process out via art work is something I’d rather keep at a whisper. That’s what I think anyway. Usually my strokes are well defined and it’s not hard at all to scan them. You don’t have to get in bright light to see the lines nor do you have to have 20/20 sight to make out the image but with many of what I’m calling “Leaflets” you do.
There are three that I’ve uploaded and all three of them have digital alterations. The other two are here.
Austin
I just got finished telling a friend not to be so hard on herself during this rough time but you know what? I’m a hypocrite. I laid in bed last night tearing myself a new one for the difficulties I’ve had as of late. I usually go through a period where I think I can’t do anything right and everything I touch gets broken or messed up. I know to leave things alone and let that spell fizzle down. It always does but it’s terrible waiting and feeling like such a failure. During these times I think to myself, “Your house is a mess. Why can’t you keep it clean?” I think, “You’re such a pig. You’re worthless you know that?” I really say horrible things to myself. I find at times I’m grateful I live alone so no one can see how “sick I am” cause if they came here regularly they’d be able to look at my things and know this is one messed up woman. I figure it’s obvious, plane as day, written on the walls that the occupant is crazy. I’m just happy not a lot of people come here.
If people could see the way I fret at night. If they could see me pace back and forth through the apartment. If they could watch me hold my head or rock back and forth they’d feel pity and then I’d feel bad. I’d want to apologize for being crazy.
Continue reading ‘Crazy Lives Here’
I was in that same shopping mall I’ve had dreams about for years. The mall in my dream has stores in it that aren’t in the real mall. It’s also much larger and has a hidden floor with discarded metals such as antique brass and badly scratched silver. There’s an old trombone sitting amongst antique kitchen utensils as well as a huge pile of rusted knives at least 70 to 80 years old. That area is dark, to get to it you must climb through a very small opening in the ceiling of a second hand store, the shoe department to be more specific. This part of the dream always plays out the same. The items are the same, the lay out is always the same. Last night was no different.
After I left that part of the store I traveled through the electronics to the other shoe department. There was a huge sale but the shoe department looked like someone had come through and tossed shoes everywhere. None of the shoes matched. I moved to a third shoe department but all the shoes there were too small. There was a pair of Nike Air Jordan’s (white with MJ on the side) as well as several other name brand shoes that had some sort of irregularity. I don’t wear white tennis shoes so I didn’t consider any of them but I noticed all the shoes, even the black high tops and dark blue high tops had some sort of noticeable irregularity and they were all way too.
Continue reading ‘DREAM: Shoes and the Upper Room’
I hate to brag (that’s not true) but today I had fried green tomatoes along side my pork chop dinner. Uh huh, that’s right, fried green tomatoes. I had to resist the urge to watch the movie Fried Green Tomatoes while eating them. I did watch one of my favorite movies though, The Village. It’s kinda corny but I like it.
I know y’all all just have to know how I feel about the old shows and the new CBS line up so let me give you a run down. We’ll start with the old shows first.
I’m still a huge fan of Numbers, CSI and Without A Trace. CSI is the best show on television but I hope they don’t spend an entire season mourning Warrick. The thing about Warrick is he sadly couldn’t keep himself sober so he lost his job. They had to kill him off the show which is how we got the new girl Riley. I have no opinion of her yet. I love the science of CSI as well as the characters so even if I don’t like her I’ll still watch the show.
Cold Case - It’s good to see the producers gave their lead female some colour. For a bit there it looked like she’d never seen the sun thus her serious vitamin D deficiency. I usually enjoyed the show but I had a difficult time with how dark it was and how dead they made the characters look. It’s good to see they paid their light bill and gave their actress some milk.
Continue reading ‘TV With Aussie’
survivors
Multiple Personality Disorder
women
Sexual abuse
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