Daily Archive for October 13th, 2008

Survival Is Overrated

Published on October 13, 2008 in Abuse, PTSD, Soapbox and Therapy. 2 Comments

We talked about the dream and about how surviving only means I lived. I told him sometimes surviving is less gracious than dying. The people at the bottom of the sea would more than likely be given pity with words of condolence to their loved ones but words of encouragement for the one who lived. In my opinion it should have been the other way around. In that dream I was shot in the head, fell through the floor, had a pole in my head, sank to the bottom of the ocean, saw a host of dead bodies then swam back up to the surface only to be alone under a blaring hot sun with no help. Was I really better off than the people at the bottom of the ocean? But see one can’t help but feel a spark of hope when they see someone else come from the bottom of the ocean and gasp with breath. But think of how the survivor feels out there in the ocean alone. A spectator has the “luxury” of inspiration. I am far from inspired.

I told Dr. D that the word survivor only says I lived, it says nothing at all about what I lived through or how I managed to live through it. It says nothing at all about the “journey” only that I lived. I think too the word survivor is too final. It sounds like all the bad is over with and now I can get on with my life. Survivor seems like a word that’s in the past tense. Continue reading ‘Survival Is Overrated’

DREAM: Life, Death, Surviving

Published on October 13, 2008 in Dreams, Mental Health and PTSD. 2 Comments

The dream started off with me at a house that I didn’t know. I went outside where a cat was having kittens. As she had them a line of people drew close to watch. The next thing you know the kittens are in a bowl instead of in the cat’s belly. Instead of all the kittens being newborns some were older, some were very tiny and some were black leaches. It then began to rain but only for a few minutes but it rained so hard it flooded the area. My sister tried to help clean up the area by taking everything (including the cats) and tossing it all in huge plastic tubs. She tossed the mother and her kittens in a tub with rocks and water. I was so angry I began screaming at her.

The next part of the dream that I remember is riding with the mother, sister and cousin to find a bar owned by a politician. My mother wanted to talk to the lady owner for some reason but I can’t remember why. We drove around all night looking for it. Continue reading ‘DREAM: Life, Death, Surviving’