The People Behind My Eyes

We talked about the dream and about how surviving only means I lived. I told him sometimes surviving is less gracious than dying. The people at the bottom of the sea would more than likely be given pity with words of condolence to their loved ones but words of encouragement for the one who lived. In my opinion it should have been the other way around. In that dream I was shot in the head, fell through the floor, had a pole in my head, sank to the bottom of the ocean, saw a host of dead bodies then swam back up to the surface only to be alone under a blaring hot sun with no help. Was I really better off than the people at the bottom of the ocean? But see one can’t help but feel a spark of hope when they see someone else come from the bottom of the ocean and gasp with breath. But think of how the survivor feels out there in the ocean alone. A spectator has the “luxury” of inspiration. I am far from inspired.

I told Dr. D that the word survivor only says I lived, it says nothing at all about what I lived through or how I managed to live through it. It says nothing at all about the “journey” only that I lived. I think too the word survivor is too final. It sounds like all the bad is over with and now I can get on with my life. Survivor seems like a word that’s in the past tense.

In my opinion there are some things a person shouldn’t have to live through… there just are. Living through it means we get our own little badge with constant onslaughts of “you’re strong, you’ve come this far don’t stop now” and other well meaning insults. It’s almost as if the words, “I’m so tired. I hurt” have an auto response of “you’ll get through this, you’re a survivor.” Well damn it when can I stop saying “I lived through this.” Survivor is just another word that finalizes, pins down and labels a person. I don’t like the word at all. I use it but I don’t like it. Dr. D was understanding of my views.

We also talked about the mask Fife Jr. put on the other day. The first was a silly skull mask, something you can find at Wal-mart. The other mask was too close to home. Dr. D asked what home was like during this holiday. I told him we didn’t celebrate it so it was just another day at our house. No huge ordeal, just another day. We didn’t dress up and go out but we did see others do it. I think he was trying to get me comfortable enough to talk more about the mask but I was nearly paralyzed so I just gave him a short answer and moved on. I think most of the masks are kinda creepy but not really disturbing. The second mask Fife Jr. had wasn’t an ordinary one. I’m going to need to leave that alone.

In the back of the cab on the way home from therapy I looked down at my shoes and though, these things are falling off my feet. I figured there was no way they would make it another two weeks until I get money again.  I threw the thought aside and kept looking out the window. Usually I go to the Disabled American Veterans Thrift Store on Monday’s to take advantage of their $1.00 sale. They do it every Monday so I go in to look for clothing in my size.  Well, I went in today and looked at both clothing and shoes. They had the exact pair of tennis shoes I fret over earlier, the very same one’s on my feet only in great condition. I came home with another pair of black high top converse….no worries here. I felt rather provided for. Everything I have on now I got at that thrift store at one time or another but you can’t tell. One pair of Levis painter pants, one long sleeve Old Navy T-shirt and Converse. Three dollars, one smile… can’t beat it.

I need to get some sleep……..

J of A

Survival Is Overrated-Monday, October 13, 2008-4:38PM EST