I just got finished telling a friend not to be so hard on herself during this rough time but you know what? I’m a hypocrite. I laid in bed last night tearing myself a new one for the difficulties I’ve had as of late. I usually go through a period where I think I can’t do anything right and everything I touch gets broken or messed up. I know to leave things alone and let that spell fizzle down. It always does but it’s terrible waiting and feeling like such a failure. During these times I think to myself, “Your house is a mess. Why can’t you keep it clean?” I think, “You’re such a pig. You’re worthless you know that?” I really say horrible things to myself. I find at times I’m grateful I live alone so no one can see how “sick I am” cause if they came here regularly they’d be able to look at my things and know this is one messed up woman. I figure it’s obvious, plane as day, written on the walls that the occupant is crazy. I’m just happy not a lot of people come here.
If people could see the way I fret at night. If they could see me pace back and forth through the apartment. If they could watch me hold my head or rock back and forth they’d feel pity and then I’d feel bad. I’d want to apologize for being crazy.
Recently I’ve had difficulties with hygiene. I usually don’t but recently I’ve had a really hard time putting a toothbrush in my mouth. I have no idea why…I think it has to do with the toothpaste but I’m not really sure. All I know is putting that brush in my mouth feels …I can’t do it. This means when I talk to people I stand back a bit cause I know a washcloth doesn’t get bacteria as well as a brush and paste. I’m embarrassed because I worry about my breath but putting the brush in my mouth right now just won’t happen. I can not do it. Crazy? No, it’s not crazy but when you add it to other things it makes me feel like I am.
I think in the last week my phone has rung off the hook only it hasn’t been people I want to talk to. In addition to the mother calling me Blossom called twice as did another person I haven’t heard from in months. When my phone rings I catch myself saying, “Who the hell is it now?”
This afternoon Princess Fife dropped by while her father was at work. She took his dining room table without his permission. Fife Jr and her husband disassembled it and put it on the truck. It’s a beautiful, beautiful piece of art that table is and she simply walked in and took it. Now there’s a huge empty space in the dining room. To make matters worse she called him at work to tell him she was taking the table but that he is invited to dinner this evening at her house. For the love of Pete she took the table then he went over after work and had dinner on it. His son took his Chicago Bears mugs which were a Christmas present last year. I’m dumbfounded I really am.
I don’t know right now I feel like curling up in bed and forgetting everything that happened today as well as the fact that I have several appointments this week. I can’t believe I’m going to say this but I wish I had therapy tomorrow but I don’t. I just need a safe place. His office feels safe. After this week end and last week end I think the only place I want to be is sitting on that very uncomfortable sofa in his cold dark office. Note to self, get that man a lamp.
Austin
Crazy Lives Here-Sunday, October 26, 2008-11:52PM EST
{{{{{{{{Austin}}}}}}}}
I feel really bad about myself sometimes, too. I washed the kitchen floor last night. I need to feel better. I don’t think you’re crazy at all, Austin. I understand.
You’re definitely not crazy. And I hear you on the toothpaste thing. We’re good at telling other people things like that. But when it comes to applying it to our own lives, well, it just doesn’t apply.
Shit, does that make any sense?
I beat myself up all the time too, but I wouldn’t think of being so harsh with someone else.
Princess Fife has quite the crust, doesn’t she? Man, why would you want to be like that just because you have a father who has trouble saying no?
I beat myself up to, while at the same time trying to figure out how to get others to give themselves a break.
I think teeth brushing is a common thing with survivors. Mouthwash does the trick for the most part - especially the new plaque dissolving ones. Until you can gte back to brushing.
I wonder why this is common with us.
Thanks for the tip on mouthwash.
Austin
We’ve been challenging our dental phobia lately by using those whitening strips one sticks to one’s teeth an then leaves in (leaves in!) for thirty minutes. Now why does that scare me so much? I don’t know. It does.
I haven’t said much here lately, I guess because I can’t think of anything helpful or good to say. But I’m here, witnessing, and wishing you well.
[Princess Fife blows my mind. Just wow.]
Hey there Rosemarie,
PF is one seriously narcissistic woman.
good to see your name and type.
As far as the toothbrush goes, I think it’s not just the paste but the brush itself. This is new for me because I’m usually okay with brushing my teeth and stuff like that. I do kinda understand why I don’t like the paste but …shesh, I just felt the need to run. WOW.
I have therapy again tomorrow. I should bring this up. I spent most of my time complaining about the puppy. Fife Jr’s dog ate ALL of my paintbrushes this morning. He also ate some crayons but lucky for me he left the red one. Joy of joys. Argh!!!
Austin
Ack! Not the paintbrushes!
My heart nearly stopped it did.
I’m not sure why he didn’t finish the crayons. I was told that perhaps the sky blue took him over the edge and he couldn’t finish off the red crayon. Maybe he had to watch his puppy weight and thought additives in the red are bad for his health.
This household hasn’t one single paintbrush. Lord have mercy on me. God grant me the serenity to accept that I can’t kill this puppy.
It was nearly as bad as walking out to see a bunch of sunflower heads laying on my floor. Stems here and there, petals laying askew. Oh the though of it I can’t bare.
Oh well, brushes are replaceable but the sight of destroyed sunflowers is too much for this woman.
Austin