Intoxicated

I’m not afraid to love but I am afraid to be loved. For some reason that phrase has played in my head for the last hour or so.

In other news Princess Fife (deep sigh) is at it again. This time she asked her father King Fife if she could have one of my, yes my little space heaters. King Fife asked me and I said no. He said, “Those are my heaters.” I told him that technically they are his heaters but they’re under my care until I move so no, she can’t have one. He said I can’t use 4 at one time. I told him that’s not the point. If she wants a heater she can go buy herself one. He looked rather shocked. I added that he may not be able to tell her no but I sure can. I wanted to sing song the word no but I resisted the temptation. I also barely held back a small victory dance made special for the no-no song.

Later in the evening I walked into the kitchen and King Fife turned his back to me. There was a sting of pain because it was obvious he’s upset. I said, “Are you not talking to me?” he said, “That’s right.” I told him its okay, I still like him. A few minutes later he gave me an opening and I told him his boundaries have been crossed so many times with her and that I have to be able to set mine even when he can’t. He said he really wants his table back and she was wrong to come and take it when he wasn’t here. That’s one of the only times he’s ever said anything “against” her. This family falls in line for Princess Fife and it’s disgusting.

A few weeks back Fife Junior told me he wanted his own little princess daughter but he got a son instead. Later in that conversation he told me there’s a pedophile that lives close to where his step daughters live. He said he wanted to kill that man. He then added that the girls couldn’t protect themselves but the 15 year old boy could. What? What part of boy does he not get? These guys really know how to draw a line between the genders. That line says who is entitled to whatever they ask for and who gets second fiddle.

Moving on…this evening PF’s security blanket has been on my mind. I wonder what I would do with one of those? Would I take advantage of that warmth? If I had what she has would the princess in me come out? I have one of those. I think we all do. I think there’s a side of us that could take and take but that side is shut down by conscience and reason as well as maturity. But what happens when I let go? And how long do I have to hold on this tight?

I know so many people that struggle through the month and live from check to check that would love to have someone hand them money freely. I know many who would love to have parents to fall back on for any and everything. That’s a very nice security blanket. I have to admit, it pains me that she has this and I don’t. I want what she has. I don’t require the well she pulls from financially but I desire the dedication and doting over that she gets. I desire feeling like someone’s little girl. I wonder if I ever felt like that if I’d love it so much I’d become drunk with it? Many would immediately say no you wouldn’t but I don’t know…I just don’t know. I want that. I want what she has. To see her take advantage of it and literally rob her father makes my heart sick. Maybe if I were wrapped so tightly in a blanket everyone in the world would be squeezed out and only my needs would matter.

If I had the same blanket ……. I want to be someone’s little girl.

Joan of Arc

Intoxicated-Wednesday, October 29, 2008-1:27AM EST