I was trying to be quite. It’s 2AM and Fife Senior is sleeping. Here’s how being quite played out…..I’ve got pizza in my hand and I’m headed back to my area. I knocked a pan to the floor. Of course it bounced a hundred times before the final spin and settle. I picked it up and dropped my freshly made pizza on the floor. A few curse words slipped out in a not so silent way. I got two more slices and headed through the laundry room back to my area but on the way I bumped into the washing machine. The lid slammed shut so hard it surely was heard 3 states over. I’m almost home, just a few quiet steps more but nope….. I pretty much fell through my door into my apartment. Thank goodness the pizza stayed on my plate. I think I should call it a day.
And….. I think I should stop trying to be quiet. Clearly it doesn’t work for me.
Austin
There’s only one person in my system that can and will over-ride the pain and physically wrestle a dog to the ground that went off on us because of food aggression. He didn’t break Ladybird’s neck nor did he punch or physically harm her. He subdued her and held her down until she stopped squirming. Brody looked at Morton like he was out of his mind but he stayed under the table and didn’t move. Halo was steady chewing at the shoe strings that came un-tied during the scuffle. I said forever but forever stops when a dog decides it’s okay to bite me. She nailed me dead on the arm too. I’ve had enough, really I have. She’s in the crate for the remainder of the evening other than going out to use the restroom.
Continue reading ‘Morton’
Several of us paint. You know what’s hard about painting and DID? Some of us know how to use the programs and others of us don’t. If I start a digital painting one day I need to finish it that day because there’s no guarantee when I’ll be back out. The painting could be left unfinished for who knows how long. The other thing is, even if someone else wanted to finish the painting they may not know how to use the programs or know where I was going with a particular piece. Each of us that paints digitally will attempt to finish the painting in a day (one sitting) because we don’t know when we’ll be back around to finish it. We paint almost with a sense of urgency, or as if it’s the last painting we’ll ever do.
Continue reading ‘On Painting and DID’
Art title: Jacob, Future King
This is best when viewed larger so click this image.
See full painting and other details here.
…. damned if you don’t so it goes with my therapist. I’d be upset if he didn’t call but I’m annoyed that he called me 5 times in 3 days. I mean come on, do you need to call me that much? Don’t make me block your office number. I’ll do it, I swear I will. Tuesday morning my phone rang and I thought to myself, “Oh hell no, that better not be Dr. D.” I wasn’t sure if it was because I refused to get out of bed to look at the caller ID. When I finally got up later that day yup, it was him. I had a flash of anger when I heard the phone ring. I knew it was him. I felt so…..?????? I don’t know, like he was in my space.
Continue reading ‘Damned If Ya Do’
It occured to me yesterday that for someone that doesn’t like to be touched all the time and who needs a lot of alone time I’ve been touched constantly and haven’t had any real alone time in over a month. If the dogs aren’t crawling on me the cats are. When I put the dogs up it’s kitty time. They certainly need a rest from all the wagging tails as do I.
I also have to admit I am a bit resentful at how my everyday life has changed since Brody got here. Ladybird doesn’t chew my stuff so I didn’t have to do much puppy proofing. With Brody I had to put up all my dolls because he was jumping to get at them. I dont’ like that. I like being able to see them. I don’t even touch them or take them off the shelf (the ones in the living room) but seeing them is comforting to me….besides, they’re mine and I don’t like having to put them up so he won’t chew them again.
Continue reading ‘Touch’
After watching CSI:Miami last night it occurred to me that I called the collar I’ll use for Ladybird a “shock collar”. I called it by it’s generic name “shock collar” but this collar that I want has multi-function options. I’m going to use the vibration setting and sound settings ONLY not the shock part. Ladybird will not experience what the victims of Monday’s show experienced. No amount of frustration would cause me to give her a small shock to keep her inside the fence. I figured I should clarify that.
Continue reading ‘Vibration and Sound NOT Shock’
I like my therapist. Because of body issues I had to cancel the entire week before last as well as this week. I can hardly stand this level of pain. I knew it was coming and I figured it would be as bad as last time. It’s just that I get sick of being in pain. So, today I talked to him on the phone a bit. He said we could have my sessions on the phone for now. That is so good because leaving the house for an extended period of time is too much right now.
When I talked to him today he asked if there’s anything he could do. I said yeah, listen to me complain. He said, “Complain away” and I did. My left leg looks like I have elephantitis, my hands are numb and I keep squirming because my entire body hurts. My legs are on fire!!! I’m angry at everyone and everything for moving. I’m getting very little sleep right now but I’m still laying in bed most of the day. The pup was whining in the background and Dr. D asked who it was. It was Halo AGAIN!!! Shut up child, shut up!!! I can tune her out most of the time but when I’m hurting beyond belief every sound, every movement is an irritation.
Continue reading ‘Stupid No Good Body’
Things can go from bad to fit throwing in the blink of an eye when dealing with an adult child. I can handle being called a “crazy fucking bitch” if the person spewing such names can handle hearing the truth about herself.
What am I supposed to do when there’s an emergency with the Junior’s puppy? He doesn’t answer his phone so I have no idea if he’s getting my messages or not. His dog was gone and I had no idea where he was. I called to ask them to provide a tie out that isn’t something he can chew through. I heard nothing back so yup I called Princess Fife. At least I know she’s getting the messages. Her voice mail picked up and I explained that I knew she wasn’t thrilled about hearing from me but I needed to let Junior know his dog chewed through the nylon tie out and was gone. I said I was calling because I didn’t know what to do anymore. I can’t keep him in the yard and now he’s gone. I told her I just wanted to let someone know. Senior wasn’t home and I wasn’t sure when he would be. A few minutes I got a call back from PF. She was screaming and going off. She hung up on me. Whatever right? Well, I figured if I called back the answering machine would pick up. I called back and said again that I only called to tell someone the pup is gone and I have no clue where he is, someone needed to know that. She answered the phone and I told her that. At that point she started cursing again saying she doesn’t want anything at all to do with my arrangements with her brother. She said the only time I need to call her is if there’s an emergency with her father.
She kept going on and on and on working herself up into a frenzy. Then she was screaming at me, “You crazy fucking bitch. You’re just a crazy fucking bitch. You need to get out of my father’s house. You just made yourself homeless.” That’s when I clicked. Homeless, that’s the word that made me click. I told her she’s a narcissistic, spoiled thief and reminded her that
Continue reading ‘Fit Throwing’
Dr. D and I talked about how I can usually set boundaries with men very easily but it’s really hard to do so with women. Had Fife Junior spoken to me the way his sister did I would have cursed and spit enough to make a high ranking old sailor blush. Because it was a woman I held back. I didn’t trust that I could give back what she gave to me without serious consequences.
I fear setting boundaries with women because I’m concerned about the consequences of doing so. Will she become angry with me and act out? Will she deny my needs in a passive aggressive manner? Will she set out on a campaign of lets make Austin’s life miserable? I don’t know, so for me it’s easier to not be so straight forward with women when it comes to my personal boundaries.
Continue reading ‘Two Extremes of Trust’
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