One would think I’d be use to this by now but I’m not. I’ve been down this road before and I know the road ends but the journey is long and hard. This traveler wants a different road or a better vehicle for rough terrain.
I’ve got a Lupus and Fibro flair going on right now. I saw it coming. I thought I might get away with “just” an increase in Lupus symptoms but I didn’t. When they’re both acting up I take it pretty hard. I can always tell when my Lupus symptoms are increasing and that I’m going to take a hard hit because my skin condition changes. I also begin to bruise very easily. During this time I get anemic to the point of my hair falling out. The pain is unreal and I’m extremely fatigued. Appetite nothing, fever high, it just gets ugly. It’s such a joy to peel a paint brush, fork or comb out of my hand because my hand froze up. Hand cramps are so comfortable. I told my therapist that this is a horrible time for the pups to be born because I knew very well I was getting sick. I think just knowing it made me a bit depressed.
It’s such a blow to the ego to see myself half way functioning then all but stop until my body decides to get on it’s feet again. I look at myself in the mirror and think I’m so effing ugly right now. I try not to look in the mirror too often. I think it makes me angry too that my world pretty much stops because of this. I had to cancel my therapy sessions for this week. So, I’d say in addition to the medical stuff we can add a bit of depression and anger to the list of crap going on right now.
The dogs are doing fine and so are the cats. Halo is getting big and is as fussy as usual. Ladybird is gaining weight and playing with Fife Junior’s puppy a lot. That’s good to see. She’s still not producing milk so I’m feeding the pup but at least Halo is lapping now so it makes it easier. I pretty much take care of them and go right back to bed.
That’s about it for now.
Austin
A Road Well Traveled - Nov 4, 2008- 5:58PM EST
(((Hugs))) Hope you are soon on the road to recovery and better. Is there anything (besides rest and time) that helps you recover more quickly?
Austin,
Are you on pred? First, let me say that you ARE NOT UGLY! I know that chronic illness can make you feel that way, as can the skin manifestations of lupus and the pred side effects, if you are taking high doses. This has nothing to do with the real you. The real you is a beautiful person, safe inside who produces wonderful art and has a loving heart. Illness should not define us. This will pass, as it has before.
The pain, also, can warp your thinking. But, you are not the pain and the person you see in the mirror is viewed through a haze of pain and so you are not seeing clearly. But, you will see clearly again. This is a BAD time of year. You have the holiday stresses coming up and you have had the stresses of losing your beloved dog and the stresses of the new dog. These are just the stressors that I know about. There are surely more. Stress flares up both lupus an fibro. This is not your fault. It is just fact.
Please, hang in there. You will get this under control, as you have before. The inside you has not changed. You are beautiful inside and the outside, while I know it matters, is not the true you.
Sending you lots of well-thoughts. You have a couple of seriously nasty diseases. However, since I have been reading your blog and viewing your beautiful artwork, I know that you are not your diseases. Remember who you really are. Remember the artist who commented on the emotional beauty of your work last week. You touch many, many people with the true you.
Be strong. You are well loved.
Tamara