If I ran into my mother out in public I could shoot insults back and be just fine but when it comes to my own home and her crossing my threshold I don’t think I would fight her. It’s gotta be hard to imagine this mouthy girl as a punching bag (emotionally or physically) but when it comes to this woman I become a little frightened child. Some days I think to myself I’d simply not open the door if she showed up. That is what I pray I’d do. I’ve got to make sure I do that and everyone inside knows to never open the door to her. With her calling here recently we’ve been on high alert.
I seem to be able to set boundaries outside my home but not in it. It’s as if I have no right to protect what I call my own.
I can tell a man no in a heartbeat and think nothing of it but I have great difficulties setting and keeping boundaries with women. I’m afraid of men but not as much as I am of women. My biggest fear other than my mother is women.
Sometimes I set boundaries and other times I don’t.
If I were to get into a fist fight I know I’d go punch for punch but if I were attacked sexually I’d freeze…I know I’d freeze because I’ve done it. This ex-friend didn’t attack me for the purpose of rape but he did grab me and hold me in a hug and kiss my neck. I froze. I simply froze. But had he smacked me I’d be typing this entry from death row. WTF!!! Hitting me sends me into a rage, touching me sexually turns me into a puddle.
I feel powerful in some areas and powerless in others.
When that female therapist got on her knees in front of me I thought for sure she was going to ask for sex, to give it or receive it. What makes me so angry is I would have done it. It’s as if a certain part of my brain clicks or changes channels and I just comply.
There are times when I slip back into conditioned behaviors. There are also times when my healthier self can say no.
If my food supply is threatened by an individual I’ll rant and rave inside. I could combust with rage but I’ll say nothing. They’ll get my food. It’s as if I have no right to say I’m hungry or eat what I’ve worked for. I know my sister was as hungry as I was because we were both starved at times but I still have difficulties with her stealing my food rations. So now when food is low I’m angry but immobile.
I can sometimes tell the difference between yesterday and today but other times that line isn’t so clear.
Sometimes I think to myself that bitch better never show up at my house. She’d better never lay a hand on me. It infuriates me to think she’d try to hurt me again.
I don’t always feel like a child. Sometimes I feel like a powerful woman.
The rage I feel fuels the fire that bakes the bricks for my mile high walls.
I have walls but sometimes I come from behind them…into the light.
When I Fight-Monday, November 17, 2008- 1:19AM EST
Austin, I used to have a terrible problem saying no to my mother. I know how hard that is. Sometimes I still hate to do it because she is so pathetic, but I find ways to ditch her off. You know that post you wrote about Blossom wanting your ipod? I was so impressed with your ability to say no there. That post made me think of my mother and how she would use her ’status’ as emotionally pitiful to get anything she wants. She even talked me out of a CAR one time. Not because she didn’t have one, but because she needed repairs and refused to pay for them even though she had the money. Because she talked me out of my car, I had to share with my husband, which meant that I had to wake my babies out of their beds and go pick him up at night. I used to think of this when I was learning how to say no to her. It must have helped. Somehow ‘no’ has turned into ‘f*ck no’. You know what else I used to do? I used to do or display things that I knew would offend her so she would stop coming around. Like the time I ‘accidentally’ left my copy of Toxic Parents on the coffee table. And the time I got my sister to help start the family rumor that I had converted to Judaism. Use anything you have that might work for you. You deserve protection.
Convert to Judaism to get rid of your mother… now that is an extreme measure but hilarious none the less.
For a very long time my mother used my car and I went without. I know exactly why you gave her your car….argh boy do I know.
One time my mother asked me to sign a waver saying I wouldn’t sue her for writing a book about all the good times my sister and I had growing up. I told her she didn’t need a waver for a work of fiction.
She didn’t think it was funny.
In the 4th grade (quite possibly the worst year of my life) she asked me to nominate her as Super Mom in some sort of contest. I threw my head back in laughter. She didn’t think it was funny. I figured she was kidding cause I mean, come on…..
Lynn that is funny. I do the same thing - leave my “toxic parents” and other such books out. (I actually have the Toxic Parents” book.
Austin - that is funny - the work of fiction.
What is not so funny is the part about defending yourself from physical attacks but not sexual. I have the same fear. I have repeated nightmares about Toilet coming back and attacking me. I had no problem standing up to my father when he came after me to hit me. Can’t figure out why but that’s the way it is for me too.