Daily Archive for November 20th, 2008

Two Extremes of Trust

Published on November 20, 2008 in Borderline Personality Disorder, PTSD, Relationships and Therapy. 8 Comments

Dr. D and I talked about how I can usually set boundaries with men very easily but it’s really hard to do so with women. Had Fife Junior spoken to me the way his sister did I would have cursed and spit enough to make a high ranking old sailor blush. Because it was a woman I held back. I didn’t trust that I could give back what she gave to me without serious consequences.

I fear setting boundaries with women because I’m concerned about the consequences of doing so. Will she become angry with me and act out? Will she deny my needs in a passive aggressive manner? Will she set out on a campaign of lets make Austin’s life miserable? I don’t know, so for me it’s easier to not be so straight forward with women when it comes to my personal boundaries. Continue reading ‘Two Extremes of Trust’

Aggressive and Silenced Voices

Published on November 20, 2008 in Borderline Personality Disorder, Relationships, Soapbox and Stupid People. 1 Comment Tags: .

“Please don’t look at me that way.”
“What way?”
“With that look of anger and disappointment followed by silence.”

I told Fife Senior I’d rather he do what his daughter did earlier than to have a look followed by the cold shoulder. He’s given me the cold shoulder before.

“Are you angry with me? You can tell me if you are. I can take it.” As I said it I thought to myself, that’s not true. I can’t take it. I hope he’s not angry with me. He waited for a second then said, “I’m not really angry at anyone. I just want you guys to stop arguing and fighting.” I wanted to add, “But Daddy I it wasn’t my fault. It was Princess Fife, it was her. I was a good girl.” Since he actually said what was on his mind without joking or avoiding me I figured I’d just validate and let it go.

Continue reading ‘Aggressive and Silenced Voices’

Split Trust

Published on November 20, 2008 in Art Therapy, Borderline Personality Disorder, PTSD and Trust. 0 Comments

This was sketched as I talked to my therapist about the two extremes I display with trust. When he began asking me how I can assert myself more with women the left side of the sketch got darker and I no longer concerned myself with staying inside the lines.

It was not until the end of the session that Dr. D saw the sketch. We discussed the blackened eye and the tear but it wasn’t until the sketch was completed that he said he notices two extremes in my ability to trust men and women. I was kind of surprised the sketch was so close to the therapy topic. I sketch as we talk then we look at the sketch at the end of the session.

Feelings while sketching: afraid, angry, dissociated, guilty, shame, dirty
Commentary: The blackened eye is more like an exhausted well that spills forth it’s very last ounce of self.

The entry which discusses the full session can be found  here.