After watching CSI:Miami last night it occurred to me that I called the collar I’ll use for Ladybird a “shock collar”. I called it by it’s generic name “shock collar” but this collar that I want has multi-function options. I’m going to use the vibration setting and sound settings ONLY not the shock part. Ladybird will not experience what the victims of Monday’s show experienced. No amount of frustration would cause me to give her a small shock to keep her inside the fence. I figured I should clarify that. Continue reading ‘Vibration and Sound NOT Shock’
Monthly Archive for November, 2008
Page 2 of 5
I like my therapist. Because of body issues I had to cancel the entire week before last as well as this week. I can hardly stand this level of pain. I knew it was coming and I figured it would be as bad as last time. It’s just that I get sick of being in pain. So, today I talked to him on the phone a bit. He said we could have my sessions on the phone for now. That is so good because leaving the house for an extended period of time is too much right now.
When I talked to him today he asked if there’s anything he could do. I said yeah, listen to me complain. He said, “Complain away” and I did. My left leg looks like I have elephantitis, my hands are numb and I keep squirming because my entire body hurts. My legs are on fire!!! I’m angry at everyone and everything for moving. I’m getting very little sleep right now but I’m still laying in bed most of the day. The pup was whining in the background and Dr. D asked who it was. It was Halo AGAIN!!! Shut up child, shut up!!! I can tune her out most of the time but when I’m hurting beyond belief every sound, every movement is an irritation. Continue reading ‘Stupid No Good Body’
Dr. D and I talked about how I can usually set boundaries with men very easily but it’s really hard to do so with women. Had Fife Junior spoken to me the way his sister did I would have cursed and spit enough to make a high ranking old sailor blush. Because it was a woman I held back. I didn’t trust that I could give back what she gave to me without serious consequences.
I fear setting boundaries with women because I’m concerned about the consequences of doing so. Will she become angry with me and act out? Will she deny my needs in a passive aggressive manner? Will she set out on a campaign of lets make Austin’s life miserable? I don’t know, so for me it’s easier to not be so straight forward with women when it comes to my personal boundaries. Continue reading ‘Two Extremes of Trust’
“Please don’t look at me that way.”
“What way?”
“With that look of anger and disappointment followed by silence.”
I told Fife Senior I’d rather he do what his daughter did earlier than to have a look followed by the cold shoulder. He’s given me the cold shoulder before.
“Are you angry with me? You can tell me if you are. I can take it.” As I said it I thought to myself, that’s not true. I can’t take it. I hope he’s not angry with me. He waited for a second then said, “I’m not really angry at anyone. I just want you guys to stop arguing and fighting.” I wanted to add, “But Daddy I it wasn’t my fault. It was Princess Fife, it was her. I was a good girl.” Since he actually said what was on his mind without joking or avoiding me I figured I’d just validate and let it go.
This was sketched as I talked to my therapist about the two extremes I display with trust. When he began asking me how I can assert myself more with women the left side of the sketch got darker and I no longer concerned myself with staying inside the lines.
It was not until the end of the session that Dr. D saw the sketch. We discussed the blackened eye and the tear but it wasn’t until the sketch was completed that he said he notices two extremes in my ability to trust men and women. I was kind of surprised the sketch was so close to the therapy topic. I sketch as we talk then we look at the sketch at the end of the session.
Feelings while sketching: afraid, angry, dissociated, guilty, shame, dirty
Commentary: The blackened eye is more like an exhausted well that spills forth it’s very last ounce of self.
The entry which discusses the full session can be found here.
Why do dogs like socks so much? I think Halo likes these because for her it’s like looking in the mirror. Black and white dog, black and white socks.
So do I actually wear these in public? Yes, yes I do. I figure if I have to wear super tight socks like support hose then I’m going to do it in style. These socks look great with my high top Converse. I have no complaints what so ever. Whodathunk I’d ever wear tie die socks? For one buck I just might have to…I did and went back for 2 more pair from dollar tree. I’m not disappointed in the least. Halo seems to like them too.
I’m going to miss her little self when she’s gone. She’s got that puppy smell I love so much. I just want to hold her and smell her. That only makes sense to dog lovers. The rest of you sick people I mean the rest of you probably think it’s crazy to want to hug a young pup and sniff away. The rest of us healthy and balanced people know it is pure delight.
Austin
We talked about the painting I seem obsessed with right now. It started off as a small sketch and blossomed into several versions of digital artwork then a multi-media collage.
Dr. D has a habit of holding my work up facing me while he asks questions. I hate that. This time I told him he didn’t have to hold the painting so I can see it because that image is burned in my brain. It’s disturbing to look at. I keep looking at the eyes, at my eyes.
This particular version shows a child in black and white next to a full colour background in a Little Red Riding Hood coat. Instead of a red coat the coat and hood are black with a thick red line around the hood. She herself is very one dimensional but the background is in full colour and has depth. You can see the forest behind her is very colourful and extends far behind her but she herself is one dimensional. What you see is what you get. She has no depth. She’s all but dead. Continue reading ‘In Living Colour’
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