Daily Archive for December 20th, 2008

Random Memory: Out of the Mouth of Babes

Way, way back when I worked at the local University I did so in an office with a well known professor of Women’s Studies. I was proud to work along side the doctor. It did not escape me that doing so would look great on my résumé so I was resigned to do my very best. It was an opportunity I didn’t intend to squander. With the doctor I accepted any and all invitations to lunch. We laughed and chatted, but mostly debated about why I refused to enroll at that University. I had other plans and a purpose which that school did not serve. My future was often the topic of lunch.

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Accessory To Murder – A Tale of Two Friends

Last night when I couldn’t sleep I entertained myself by fantasizing about the death of one very cruel woman who insists upon hurting my friend. Here’s how it all went down.

(posted with permission from my accessory)

T’was midnight in my breezy city and all were tucked in sleeping save me and the two voices next door arguing. Earlier in the year I set up a small observation center in the corner of the room which allows me to eavesdrop on said neighbor with ease. I ran to the Ops Area and heard an old withered up voice yelling to my young princess neighbor. “How dare she” I thought as I pressed my eye closer to the scope. Knowing my services were needed I grabbed my red duffel bag and rifle and headed over to her apartment.

I didn’t even bother to knock on the door, for I’d made a key when the neighbor was out of town last week. Bursting through the door I yelled to the Old Witch, “What’s wrong with you witch?” The enchanted Princess inquired, “How did you get another key? I thought I told you to stop breaking in to my apartment?”

“Never mind the key”, I says, “Who is this Old Witch with the foul breath who dost blow stink about your palace?”

“It’s my mother, and why are you talking like that? Get out of here. This is none of your business!” Just then the Enchanted Princess jumped on poor pitiful Aussie and stole her riffle with the silencer. Do not fret dear readers for this was all part of the plan.

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Aussie Conversation: Against My Advice

This is an actual conversation that was not altered.

Stepping into the kitchen from the laundry room I say to Barney Fife who’s sitting at the table reading a card

Me: Hey, look. I washed my dollar. I should work for the mob in money laundering.
Fife giggles. I turn to leave.
Fife Senior: Come in here.
Me: Yeah
Fife Senior: I need to write something in C’s card. I thought I’d write, “I promise to give you everything in the world you want after I’ve satisfied all my other women.”
(silence, more silence)
Me: Um…(pause)… I’d like to advise against that. … (pause)… You should send that one to R, along with this here mob money.

Aussie Conversations: Against My Advice -Friday, December 19, 2008