Daily Archive for December 24th, 2008

Woman on Fire

Published on December 24, 2008 in Abuse, Female Sadist, Letters Home, PTSD and Therapy. 5 Comments

The more I’m bombarded with memories of you the stronger is my belief in the death penalty. Each time I sip my coffee and it burns my lips I believe lightening should strike and burn you to the ground. And each time a tear hits my pillow I wish you to drown again and again in your own filth. Even so, I wonder what your death would serve now? Years ago it would have been productive but not now. Your painful untimely death wouldn’t serve a purpose now and that is a serious injustice to human kind, a serious and grave injustice. I think of the girls in your little club and the stories they surely have. But mostly I hear my sister weeping and that makes me want to search for you and strangle the life out of you for having the audacity to put your death hands on her.

It bothers me that no matter how much pain you feel it will not feel to you like justice. It’ll just be me being your bad and lost daughter. No matter how many chains are wrapped around you you’ll never fully grasp what it means to have your soul tied to a stake with fire at your feet. You won’t get it. You won’t understand this is because you had the nerve to harm your children. Each licking flame will be confirmation that I am the one in the wrong.

Monday my therapist asked me why I didn’t want to take swimming class in high school. He asked what I believed would happen if I was seen in the suit and people witnessed that you’d been there on my back and legs, arms and neck. I simply told him I didn’t have an answer for it. The answer is I bought into the lie that I was the problem. If people saw the scars they’d know and maybe they’d take me away but that would all be my fault. I truly thought I deserved to be harmed. I believed I needed to be dominated and stripped of all dignity for crimes I wasn’t quite sure I committed. Each scar was symbolic of how I failed you. Continue reading ‘Woman on Fire’

Therapy Discussion: Everywhere at Every Turn

Published on December 24, 2008 in Abuse, Depression, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Female Sadist, PTSD and Therapy. 2 Comments

I try to find some resemblance of normalcy despite the fact that most everything is triggering or reminds me of something. When I get in the car and close the door I pretend I haven’t flashed to my hands being slammed in the door or the trunk as a child. I put on my safety belt despite my intense fear of being tied down. I turn the key and pull off. I’m okay, the windows are cracked. I know I can get out if I have to. I probably won’t have to escape at a moment’s notice because I’m behind the wheel not my mother. Still, they’re cracked. It doesn’t matter if it’s snowing, raining or hell fire hot, the windows are cracked.

I arrive at the store and see the yellow lines I’m to park in. I throw out of my head the phrase, “I don’t like how yellow tastes.” I’m okay though, this is now, and that was then. I’m okay. I climb out of the car and deal with the door shutting again. My hands weren’t in it. I’m okay.

Inside the store I see children in carts and avoid eye contact. I don’t want to see my own reflection. I try not to walk behind anyone because I don’t need to walk five paces behind anymore. I’m fine. Just get your stuff and go. I’m fine. I swear I’m fine. Continue reading ‘Therapy Discussion: Everywhere at Every Turn’