Call it ba humbug if you will, I call it straight up truth. This holiday bugs me. I’ll forgo the whole non-Christian aspect of this and skip right to the other reason it bothers me so much. It is a very deceitful day, it’s the day when people will sit at a table and look in the eyes of the person they resent and utter a few words tradition mandates. “Merry Christmas.” I think I’m angry about this holiday because nationally families in trouble will pile on ornaments and false faces and call it the Christmas Spirit. I can’t stand the falseness.
I’m sure there are families that don’t do this so I suppose I’m not saying this about you. But I guess it gets to me when I know people that tell me how horrible their mate is or how un-supportive they are then turn around on Christmas day and say how grateful they are for that person. Give it a few weeks and they’ll be back to the same undeserving mate. Then of course there are the mates that are abusive and cruel. I suppose a gift from them makes the rest of the year okay. What about the family members who will show up on this day with the excuse, “But it’s Christmas” as if this one day wipes away crimes that would have gotten them stoned in Bible days. Trust me, nothing is wiped away on this day. No amount of songs can drown the real you out. And no amount of wrapped garland can choke out the memory of what was allowed or perpetrated.
I for one will not pretend. If I were to hang up ornaments they would be for memories that are true and that accurately represent our family. This is the ornament from when we lived in the car the very first time. It’s a nice little tree air freshener isn’t it? Here’s the one from when I went to the hospital the very first time. This is the one from my first therapy appointment. This one here is my heart. I remember the very day you snatched it and stomped it into the ground. This ornament here is a biscuit, it symbolizes all the times you starved your kids of love, safety and peace of mind. We would not string popcorn but chains. We would not sprinkle fake snowflakes on the windows but douse them in tears your youngest was never allowed to cry.
You can keep your branch-less, lifeless tree. I don’t want it. Not today, not tomorrow. I choose not to put on a smile for evil just because tradition says I should. Those few words “Merry Christmas” don’t make it better. but they are an excuse to give in to denial and pretend that for 24 hours everything is okay. It’s like a national date to deceive – deceive yourself and the people at the table. I for one will not pretend.
If this isn’t your family then I’m not talking about you. This is a rant/rave about many families, mine included.
Destiny
Actually, Austin, this IS my family you’re talking about. I thought I could go to my sister’s house for dinner on Christmas eve, but I couldn’t do it. I can’t pretend, either. She isn’t quite like the others in my family. I thought I could go. My body told me something different, though, so I had to stay home. I know why. It’s because my sister needs me to be ‘normal’. She needs me to pretend and I can’t do that anymore. I never really put the details on my blog, because it was so traumatic, but something happened last year. It was four or five days before Christmas. I had a really bad flashback. My husband panicked and called my sister. I was on the floor in front of my bedroom closet because I was trying to get in there when I fell. I was all sweaty and snotty and crying there on the floor when my sister came over. She said, “You can’t let this ruin your life.” She needed me to get up and pretend that I was all better. She’s always needed that and I can’t give it anymore. She was yelling at my husband when she called this Christmas eve to find out why my husband and kids were coming over, but I was not. I told her I could not cope. She said, in a really nasty and sarcastic tone of voice, “Well I hope you have a Merry Christmas, then.”
They are all gone now. I don’t have a mother or father, no brothers, no grandparents, and now no sister. It’s because I can’t pretend.
I think it has become easier now that I have children. I can get caught up in the magic of their excitement. It also helps that I have good in-laws who know how to truly celebrate Christmas. It also helps that I don’t visit my family. Except my sister, and I love to see her.
It is SO SO much easier than pretending. I used to do that. I used to go to mom’s house and wish she and Toilet a Merry Christmas and buy them presents. I am so glad I don’t have to do that any more.
Your post certainly describes the reason I didn’t celebrate with my mother. What is the point?
I don’t like the deceit either. Christmas should and can be a joyous occasion for those of us who believe in a Savior, but it’s become exactly what you said it was, a day when the worst perpetrators get a Get-out-of-jail free card. It sickens me too.
My family has decided decades ago that Christmas is for the children. For years we celebrated because of young children. Now we celebrate because of the grandchildren. When they grow up, get married and have their own kids, Christmas will be celebrated for them as well.
My family doesn’t stand on ceremony for Christmas. There is almost no gift giving and when there is, it is mostly handmade things, gifts from each other’s kitchen, etc. Treasures. There is family and then there is family.
Remember, I am the only member of the family that isn’t deathly ill with some sort of killer auto-immune disease. So any holiday, whether it is Christmas, Easter, or even the 4th of July, we get together to break bread and share with each other. I guess the knowledge from an early age makes us aware that any one of us could be gone at any time. Let’s not forget the young daughters of my family who have already died from this awful disease.
I can’t say that I actually believe in the holidays, especially Christmas. There are so many pegan rituals around this holiday anyway. But for me it’s a gathering of family that may not be here next year, so we revel in the company of each other.
My family lives very close to death every day, so it makes these holidays very important to us. We even make a few holidays several times a year of our own with garden parties and gatherings when we feel like it. We don’t pretend about anything. There’s no sense to it. There cannot be any regrets when the worst happens. We need to know that and we need to share good times together.
I like to send cards for the holidays, but I don’t want to offend anyone either. To me the card is a product of my own creation and to let those I think about know that I care enough to send one.
This is just my take on things.
@ Julie,
I’ve always liked reading about your families events and dinners and stuff. I know how important every moment is for you guys and why.
blessings,
Austin
Christmas was always a saving grace for us. I think because the family wasn’t pretending. They really were different for a week or so.
It didn’t make the other 51 weeks ok, but it was a blessed respite. For a few days we felt we were loved. Maybe we even were.
Christmas on our own is safe, no family minefields, but that missing ingredient of being able to believe we hold a place in someone’s heart, even for a day, turns out to be important for us. We missed it a lot this year.
@ Rosemarie,
I saw this quote a few minutes ago,
Erma Bombeck – “There’s nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.”