Sign of My Times

Robert: Put your shoes on bitch.
Me: What?
Robert: Put your shoes on bitch. This is Morton talking to you, now do it.
Me: No it’s not. Morton doesn’t talk to me that way.
Morton: No, I don’t, but please put your shoes on before you start that.
Me: Okay. Whattteverrr.
Morton: Thank you.

We are only at each other’s throats like this when our stress level goes into over drive. I know what cues to take note of and how to recognize when to put on the breaks. In the last few days those cues have been in the form of dynamite explosions. I know I’m way too stressed when I see stuff out of the corner of my eye. A doctor told me it’s not psychosis but the brain misfiring due to an overload of stress. Thank goodness. I thought I was really losing it.

I know I need to put on the breaks when:

1. I wake up angry.
2. When my hypervigilance symptoms increase and I can hear every creak and crack then respond to those sounds as if my home were invaded by bandits. I have a strong flash of anger by the most simple sounds. I think to myself when the phone rings, “What the hell is it now?” I’m disturbed by a disk spinning in the computer before it reads. Simple everyday sounds become unbearable.
3. When I don’t care about my website. The other day when my blog was hijacked I reported it to my webmistress but I really didn’t give a flying flip. I didn’t panic or anything.  Later when I was informed it was up, I waited a good hour before I looked at it. When I don’t care about my site something’s wrong.
4. When I can’t stand the sight of myself in the mirror and I’m on myself about my weight.
5. When I’m so angry I can’t even feel my body hurts.
6. I bump into things. My concentration is off.
7. I’m okay one minute but not the next. My emotions yo-yo.
8. When all I want to do is paint something. When I’d sketch myself to sleep if I could. When I’d lay my head down, close my eyes and sketch myself right to sleep.
9. When I don’t stop moving. I’m into everything non-stop
10. The strongest and most important cue of where I’m at is how we, Morton’s Pride, respond to one another on a daily basis. When our general cooperation and sense of peace is broken then we know it’s time to re-group and get ourselves together.

In general I can’t stand constant noise but recently I had the TV and music on. At the same time I sketched and had the cat on my lap. I realized I was trying to drown something out. Until I look up from the ground with a scraped knee I’m not always aware I’ve stepped outside of my normal chaotic routine. It sometimes takes a little bit to see it’s time to take a break from the regular hustle and bustle. I think my mother’s phone calls and subsequent appearance put me over the edge. I know I need to deal with that but I also know I need to do that only when my therapist returns from vacation January 5^th. For now I’ll leave it alone and deal with only the most imperative daily activities. It’s time to figure out how to get back to the level of chaos I and we can live with.

Joan of Arc

Sign of My Times-Sunday, December 28, 2008-8:30PM EST