Monthly Archive for December, 2008

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Shower, Powder, Hair, Nails

Published on December 23, 2008 in For the Record and Therapy. 3 Comments

The other day as I sat … well, it’s not really important what I was doing… anyway, I thought to myself, “It would be nice to go to therapy in this instead of getting dressed.” I had on a baggy pair of dark blue sweatpants, a gray T-shirt and a pair of running shoes. I wanted to show up to therapy in that but I couldn’t let myself do it. I’m a bit too trained to leave the house without putting on a “real clothes.” I can pamper myself, give myself a break from time to time and even buy myself small gifts but when it comes to certain things I still hold on to old ideas.

I was raised to “dress right” which means when I walk out of the house I’ll be showered, have on pants (not sweats) and a nice shirt. If the shirt  has long sleeves I put on a T-shirt under it. It doesn’t matter if it’s screaming hot outside, I’ll put a T-shirt on under a long sleeve shirt. That’s how I was taught to do it. I feel like a bum when I don’t. I hate that I can’t relax enough to let go, not even when I go to Village Pantry or Wal-mart can I let go. Usually when I’m at home I’m dressed, save shoes. I hardly ever wear shoes around the house and rarely will you catch me in lounge clothes. When I was younger my family got up and got dressed. There was no such thing as play clothes (not that we played that much anyway) and there was no such thing as jeans or sweatpants. Continue reading ‘Shower, Powder, Hair, Nails’

Pleasing Moments and Self Correction

Published on December 22, 2008 in For the Record, Gratitude Journal, Mental Health, Pets, Poetry and PTSD. 5 Comments

There are a ton of things I’m grateful for or found pleasing this week. Here are just a few for my Gratitude Monday entry.

The good stuff

1. I picked up the phone to hear my friend’s voice on the other end. We talked for about an hour. A week seems like a long time. We had a lot of catching up to do.

2. Watching Brody and Gracie play. Listening to Brody snore.

3. Scarfing pizza while watching Pirates of the Caribbean and laughing my head off.

4. When the lights went out during the snow storm Thursday I sat with candles and sketched. I enjoyed the quiet. It was a very peaceful moment.

5. I found a lot of inspiration as I looked at arts and crafts by other survivors and by people who live with chronic pain.

6. I spent a 5 dollar gift certificate on 3 thirty-two ounce candles at Wallgreens. Awesome sale.

7. I slept the other night without feeling haunted.

8. I found out my piece called PTSD was featured on Redbubble in The Healing Journey group. It nearly brings tears to my eyes to see it.

9. I understand very well that my life is a roller coaster but it pleases me that I am not so bitter that I can’t laugh and enjoy myself. I appreciate the small things that make me smile such as burning popcorn while my roommate laughs hysterically at me for doing so. It was a non-Chef moment with a pan and a few rouge kernels. I shall stick to my air popper.

Here are a few things that changed this week

1. I’ve been trying to combat my verbal assaults

While fiddling with the aquarium I spilled some water and yelled at myself for doing so. “Can’t you do anything right? Just leave it alone.” That venom was silenced by, “It was a simple mistake. Let it go.”

2. I was able to silence a flashback which could have gotten nasty.

I figured since I found some straight pins with little sunflowers on the end that I might be able to use them without a lot of trouble. Boy was I wrong. I have to be okay with not being quite ready for that step. While using them I had a strong flashback where I could hear everything and feel it. I was able to get myself grounded by saying out loud, “Stop it!” I’ve never tried that before but it worked for me. I was able to quickly get myself together.

It’s been an up and down kind of week but all in all I think I managed okay.

In the middle of a rainstorm I will raise my strong umbrella. I shall not be washed away.
In a shower of tears I will drape myself in joy. Joy shall not be wiped clear.
In puddles of congregated drops I will dance
On lighting strikes, swing
And when the rainbow comes I’ll drop to my knees and  praise Thee.

Austin

Glossy – A Tale of Cake and Cream

Published on December 22, 2008 in For the Record and Humor. 7 Comments

T’was the eve of Monday, the day I was to travel to the post office and mail out a huge box. I held said box against me breast as I made my way to the dinning hall. Upon entering the grand room I witnessed before me  King Fife sitting not on his thrown but on the carpeted floor wrapping presents with glee. “King Fife” I says, “What a wonderful craftsman you are. It’s magical how you adorn boxes with bright cheery paper.” As I spoke the King’s suspicions grew so that he looked up from his craft with a crooked eye. There I stood in a flowing gown of scarlet holding a box and a goblet of wine. “What are you wearing?” said the King, “And why are talking like you’re in a fairy tale. Really, you should stop watching pirate movies and The English Patient.” “Never mind that” I said. “I have a proposition for you ma-Lord. If you wrap this here box with your magical nimble fingers I’ll give you a huge slice of lemon cake and cream.” The King’s brow began to soften, his eyes glossed over and he, as if in a trance, moved towards me with his arms out to receive the box. And I, the fair maiden felt pleased with myself that again I tricked the King into doing my work.

Translation: I needed to mail a box but I suck at wrapping so I tricked my roommate into doing it for me. I gave him a piece of lemon cake with whipped cream. The trade was a good one.

Glossy – A Tale of Cake and Cream – Monday, December 22, 2008

Random Memory: Out of the Mouth of Babes

Published on December 20, 2008 in For the Record and Relationships. 0 Comments Tags: , .

Way, way back when I worked at the local University I did so in an office with a well known professor of Women’s Studies. I was proud to work along side the doctor. It did not escape me that doing so would look great on my résumé so I was resigned to do my very best. It was an opportunity I didn’t intend to squander. With the doctor I accepted any and all invitations to lunch. We laughed and chatted, but mostly debated about why I refused to enroll at that University. I had other plans and a purpose which that school did not serve. My future was often the topic of lunch.

Continue reading ‘Random Memory: Out of the Mouth of Babes’

Accessory To Murder – A Tale of Two Friends

Published on December 20, 2008 in Humor. 3 Comments Tags: , .

Last night when I couldn’t sleep I entertained myself by fantasizing about the death of one very cruel woman who insists upon hurting my friend. Here’s how it all went down.

(posted with permission from my accessory)

T’was midnight in my breezy city and all were tucked in sleeping save me and the two voices next door arguing. Earlier in the year I set up a small observation center in the corner of the room which allows me to eavesdrop on said neighbor with ease. I ran to the Ops Area and heard an old withered up voice yelling to my young princess neighbor. “How dare she” I thought as I pressed my eye closer to the scope. Knowing my services were needed I grabbed my red duffel bag and rifle and headed over to her apartment.

I didn’t even bother to knock on the door, for I’d made a key when the neighbor was out of town last week. Bursting through the door I yelled to the Old Witch, “What’s wrong with you witch?” The enchanted Princess inquired, “How did you get another key? I thought I told you to stop breaking in to my apartment?”

“Never mind the key”, I says, “Who is this Old Witch with the foul breath who dost blow stink about your palace?”

“It’s my mother, and why are you talking like that? Get out of here. This is none of your business!” Just then the Enchanted Princess jumped on poor pitiful Aussie and stole her riffle with the silencer. Do not fret dear readers for this was all part of the plan.

Continue reading ‘Accessory To Murder – A Tale of Two Friends’

Aussie Conversation: Against My Advice

Published on December 20, 2008 in Humor and Relationships. 1 Comment Tags: .

This is an actual conversation that was not altered.

Stepping into the kitchen from the laundry room I say to Barney Fife who’s sitting at the table reading a card

Me: Hey, look. I washed my dollar. I should work for the mob in money laundering.
Fife giggles. I turn to leave.
Fife Senior: Come in here.
Me: Yeah
Fife Senior: I need to write something in C’s card. I thought I’d write, “I promise to give you everything in the world you want after I’ve satisfied all my other women.”
(silence, more silence)
Me: Um…(pause)… I’d like to advise against that. … (pause)… You should send that one to R, along with this here mob money.

Aussie Conversations: Against My Advice -Friday, December 19, 2008

The Spirit Does Not Grow

Published on December 18, 2008 in Art Therapy, PTSD, Secrets and Confessions and Trust. 0 Comments

I remember what I was doing when I sketched this. I sat in the dark and watched TV. The star of the movie said she’d been raped and while the soul murderer had a knife to her throat she thought one thing, “This will never happen again.”

The name of this sketch is called “The Spirit Does Not Grow”. The conclusion of the sentence is … in darkness.

J of A