Monthly Archive for December, 2008

Page 3 of 5

Fighting Mood

Published on December 18, 2008 in Borderline Personality Disorder, Letters Home, Relationships and Soapbox. 0 Comments

I came into the kitchen to get food for Brody and said hello. Your response was, “That’s not where those go.” Referring to the oven mitts I said, “They were in the middle of the floor.” You said, “Why can’t you hang those back up when you’re done with them?” I was caught off guard because in the middle of the floor isn’t where they go either and I’m not use to you throwing a fit over something so small as me not hanging the oven mitts back up. You told me they were in your way so you tossed them in the middle of the kitchen floor. I’m confused, really confused.

See, the problem is I’m in a fighting mood so when you come in the house acting stupid I want to lash out right back at you. I want to forget the fact that you don’t usually act stupid and go ahead and give you what for. The problem is I want to forget that you put up with my moods. I want to forget that you are usually easy going and remind you that I clean up after your messes and I deal with your unorganized life and your stupid children. I want to tell you how disgusting you are at times and how what you do turns my stomach but nope, I turned and walked away.

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Nowhere To Run

Published on December 17, 2008 in Abuse, Borderline Personality Disorder, Pets and PTSD. 0 Comments

While fighting with Ladybird I was a hundred different places but mostly in Tampa, Florida. She was tossed into the picture window but she still came back. She was tossed over by the love seat where a lamp was knocked over, she still came back. Despite fighting so hard with this dog my eyes were all over the room, in front of me, behind me, absolutely everywhere. I noticed the cats sitting watching like it was nothing. It was almost humorous how they watched with no real concern. Brody, however, was in the corner of the room with no where to run. He was scared to death.

Yesterday evening when I brought Brody inside he came in reluctantly. He use to piddle when he was younger but she stopped doing that but once Ladybird and I fought like that he started again. So yesterday when I brought him in to warm up and called him to me he piddled on my floor. Instant anger. Why are you scared, I didn’t do anything to you, I thought. This is stupid, stupid, stupid!! I just walked away from him because I was angry that he was scared. Continue reading ‘Nowhere To Run’

Gratitude Monday: Appreciation and Learning

Published on December 16, 2008 in Gratitude Journal. 0 Comments

Since my blog was hijacked yesterday I didn’t have a chance to put up my Gratitude Monday entry so here it is.

Things I’m grateful for or appreciated

  1. Getting my blog back with the help of my webmistress
  2. My therapist’s responses to me and his good timing
  3. Listening ears to my rants and raves
  4. Feeling helpful by making chicken soup for my roommate when he was sick and playing nurse to my neighbor.
  5. Talking and laughing with family of choice and friends
  6. Making a new 3D friend and laughing at her hysterically
  7. Brief moments of physical strength
  8. Finally getting my hands on the Spiderman 3 DVD as well as The Wizard of Oz
  9. Having dinner made for me (heck yeah!)
  10. Having new features on the Redbubble site. They featured Reaching Out To Life two days ago. In the last four months RB groups have featured 4 art pieces and one poem for a total of 7 pieces over the last year. It’s a nice boost, especially when I still worry I may not be good enough.

Things I learned recently

  1. I learned what Megaloblastic madness / Pernicious Anemia is
  2. I learned what Metrosexual means
  3. How to tie dye
  4. I can let some things go
  5. I can depend upon some people without reason to fear assault or abuse

Gratitude Monday: Appreciation and Learning – Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Self Defense and Guilt

Published on December 16, 2008 in Borderline Personality Disorder, Mental Health, Pets, PTSD and Therapy. 3 Comments

Me: I feel badly because I hit her

Dr. D: You feel bad because you defended yourself?

Me: Yes, it was as if I had no right to do so.

We talked more about this and I felt so stupid saying it but it was true, I feel bad that I hit that dog after she bit me. I thought maybe if I’d just let her do it then I could figure out how to not force her to do it again. Once I said that to him I followed it up with, “Yes, I heard what I said.” I heard myself say I made her bite me and that I needed to let her bite me then adjust my behavior so she didn’t have to do it again. It is an illogical thought but it’s one I’m struggling with right now. Continue reading ‘Self Defense and Guilt’

The Black Snowman

Published on December 14, 2008 in Borderline Personality Disorder, For the Record and Morton's Pride. 4 Comments

I’ve wanted this book for so long but I can’t bring myself to buy it. I don’t know why either.
The Black Snowman by Phil Mendez

I can buy myself clothes, candles and other stuff without giving it a second thought but when it comes to stuff like this I can’t seem to do it.

I dreamed about red tennis shoes again and again. Those shoes pretty much symbolized the feeling that most things I want on a spiritual level as well a the basics of life will always be just beyond my reach. Even when I have an opportunity to get those shoes I’ll toss the opportunity away then kick myself for doing it as if a serving of self butt kicking is better than the validating feeling of getting what I want. Continue reading ‘The Black Snowman’

Invalid or Fiery Spirit?

Published on December 14, 2008 in Art, Depression, Medical and Pets. 2 Comments

Someone told me that Ladybird’s behavior will only escalate. It’s not that I didn’t believe her it’s that I wanted to believe I wasn’t in over my head. (I know what you’re thinking, good Lord, what now. Well, hold your horses, I’m about to tell you. No pun intended Carmon :-) ) The thing is, I wanted to prove to myself that I’m not a friggin invalid and that I can still train a dog who to everyone else is untrainable. I wanted it to work out with her for the sake of my ego and for perhaps a bit of a boost to my current state of mind. Taking into account my current state of body and mind I had to conclude that it is best that Ladybird move on. Around 6PM she was picked up by the pound. The girl bit me again, this time she broke the skin which meant I needed slight medical attention. I’ve got a nice bite mark on my hand as well as several scratch marks on my back and legs. It’s just a sad, sad day. A very sad day.

I guess the other thing is I feel rather weak. It bothers me that I am not physically able to do what I use to do. And this word invalid, man that’s a very cruel word. First of all it basically means “not valid”. Because I’m sick I’m not valid? That’s something I have to work out in my own head. The logical answer is “yes, you’re still worth something despite your physical limitations” but my goodness, the words used to describe this are cruel. How can I hear anything other than that I’m not valid, I’m weak, worthless and baseless?

invalid 1

noun 1. patient, sufferer, convalescent, valetudinarian

adjective 2. disabled, challenged, ill, sick, poorly (informal) weak, ailing, frail, feeble, sickly, infirm, bedridden, valetudinarian

invalid 2

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Don’t Assault The Silence

Published on December 13, 2008 in Depression, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Morton's Pride, PTSD and Therapy. 5 Comments

In therapy Friday afternoon we talked about how loud it was at my house when I was younger and at home. Even if they weren’t arguing and no one was screaming or being hurt it was still loud. My mother use to yell for my sister while she was upstairs. Then my sister would come to the stairs and yell back down to my mother. It didn’t matter that they weren’t arguing, it was the noise level that bothered me. Everything around me seemed loud or at least always active. If there wasn’t abuse going on there was arguing, then there was the hollering back and forth, the television, street noise, on and on. Lets not forget too the noise in my head. I didn’t know I had DID back then but I did know the noise level in my head was tremendous. There was begging, arguing, chanting, crying and everything that matched the household I lived in as far a noise level goes. It didn’t matter where I went, there was constant stimulation, constant noise and activity. Well, there was one place where it all stopped. When I hid in the closet (my private retreat) the noise stopped.

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