Tormented

I finally picked up the phone to call my therapist at 4:30 today. For at least an hour I debated calling him. When I finally did the office had stopped answering their phones. He’s there until 6pm though but I was unable to get through.

For the first time in quite awhile I feel lonely. In addition to lonely I feel desperate, troubled, anxious, afraid and tormented.

I feel tormented by my thoughts, so much so I become desperate to make them stop. I feel troubled because there’s something just behind my eyes that I’m about to remember but it won’t quite come forward. It’s almost as if I already know it but I’m fighting it tooth and nail. I’m anxious so I pace and I’m afraid to go to sleep. I want everything but I’m satisfied with nothing. Most things seem futile.

Last night I went to bed at 3:45AM. I tossed and turned because I felt like I jacked up a few items sent out. I fell asleep after a quiet prayer but woke again at 6:45AM. I’m obsessing over stuff. Did I do this right, did I remember to add this? Why didn’t I do this or that? So I was up feeling like a fake and waste of space. I want it to be quiet in my head.

I know my medication is screwed up. I can’t remember if I took it or not. I’m sure I’ve missed several doses of Zoloft. Of course my sleep is as plagued as my waking hours so it’s not as if I’m getting any rest. I am at least drinking water and eating better than I was. As a matter of fact I stopped drinking pop all together a few weeks back. I still feel like crap though.

I’m supposed to see Bird tomorrow or Sunday. I can’t remember which. I should pop some trazidone and try to sleep. My head is everywhere. I’m tired but I’m scared.

Me