I don’t feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. I feel the weight of her memory weighing down on my spine, making every step slow and painful. I feel inept and like everything I touch becomes soiled because I will not allow myself to feel clean. I worry that I’ll feel clean and get comfortable in life then someone will come along and expose my cleanliness as a fraud. I’ll feel stupid, humiliated and like a public spectacle.
Can you believe she told everyone she’s clean and a good person? She’s nothing at all.
This “nothing at all” is what I was called as a child. I was placed in front of the mother and scolded with my head down. I stood beside my cousins and my sister scorned, mocked and humiliated for the most simple mistakes. If I ever began to feel powerful inside it was quickly squashed. Powerful, clean, capable, comfortable, it all feels out of my hands now like if I try to grasp it I’ll be exposed for who she says I am.
F. Mag
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