There’s someplace I want to go very badly. I want to walk in the building and sit there by myself. I miss it so much it hurts. I don’t want to go there smelling like I do or being what I am. It’s not even the building; it’s what’s inside that I need.
It feels like everything I eat makes me hungrier and every thing I see around me makes me blind. I don’t want this for myself. I want the person back who was not burdened with guilt so much so she couldn’t look Him in the eye and speak.
I already know that many will tell me I can go to God and ask for forgiveness. It seems wrong to do so right now since I know I haven’t stopped doing what I’m doing. I also know that I don’t need to be “right” before I go to him. I do, however, need to move towards doing right. I haven’t done that. That is what pains me and that is why I don’t pray. Why grieve his holy spirit with words I won’t follow through on. I mean it at the time but as soon as Amen leaves my lips I’m going back to the self destructive person I’ve become. I can’t say I’m sorry for this, this and this when I know in my heart I’m going to do it again. I wonder if I can ask for forgiveness for that?
In this economy people are killing themselves and others because they can’t make ends meet. Houses are taken, people are hungry, angry and lost. Still others depend upon the Scripture that says Jehovah will care for his people. They need not worry about what they’ll eat or drink because Jehovah will provide for them. I am not one of those people he’ll provide for. Not having food on my table isn’t what pains me the most. It’s me that pains me the most because a long time ago I turned my back him and myself.
It’s almost as if I need self destruction like I need air or water. It’s as if I’m trying to prove to myself that I don’t deserve anything but pain. With one hand I destroy my life, the other is held out to him in longing and desperation. I miss my friend. I miss my Father.
Maureen
When I said “What I am” and that I smell I was referring to being self destructive and the smell of my destroyed/decaying self. I was referring to the course not one particular thing but the whole of it.
Maureen,
I felt every bit of your pain as I read this post, for so many times throughout my life I’ve felt much like this. I always felt as if I was on my last chance, and that now there was nothing left for me but God’s rejection, then death, and finally Judgment Day.
Here’s the thing though. I’ve come to see that it’s when we feel most broken and estranged from Him that we most have His heart. He is near to the brokenhearted. Jesus sought out those who were in need of the Great Physician, not those (the fat cat Pharisees) who thought they had it all together. Your very neediness, your brokenness, your yearnings are what guarantee that your prayers will be heard–even before they are spoken.
The Hound of Heaven doesn’t give up on us as easily as we imagine. Just think of it this way: why would God give us His son and have Him go through horrible mistreatment and crucifixion if He intended to not pursue those who have wandered astray?
Are you one of the 99 lambs in the parable who have not wandered off and gotten lost? No, you’re the one little lamb who has strayed from the fold and gotten stuck in a thicket. You have no means of rescuing yourself. What does the Shepard do–the one whose sheep follow Him because they know His voice? He leaves the 99 and searches for the one missing lamb….when he finds it He tenderly places it on His shoulders, and rejoices that His lost sheep has been found.
Yes, you ARE one that Jehovah will care for in troubulous times. He has pledged himself to do so. I don’t know what particular sin or habit you’re referring to in this post, which has caused you to wander far from Him, but it doesn’t matter what it is; the fact that it hurts your heart says a lot about you. It also tells me that God is wooing you. You would not feel sorrow for your sins, you would not desire your Father if He were not speaking to your heart in the gentlest of tones. (Even our desire for Him is a gift!)
You can trust that the One who loved you so much that He gave His only Son for you will not turn a deaf ear to your cries. It just doesn’t matter what you’ve done, that’s the thing. It doesn’t even matter than you may return to it five minutes from now, or tomorrow. Ask him to change your desires, not your behavior. If you desire the right thing your behavior will eventually fall into step. And, in the meantime, He gives us all kinds of room for stumbling, wandering, stubbing our toes, getting lost, feeling confused, etc. We are His children, and everyone knows it takes a lot of nurturing to raise a child. He gives us all the time in the world we need to heal and grow….in fact, if we so choose we can have all of eternity to do so.
Your desire for your Father is of more value to Him than you can imagine.
I’m a firm believer in starting out small. If you desire, even for a minute, to turn toward God, then do it. Even if you know you will revert back to your “old ways” in the next. Better to have that one minute in God’s arms then none. Pray for the strength to stay in His arms two minutes the next time.
Hello, Maureen.
I think you’ve had more than enough pain. It’s not self-destruction you need, it’s kindness, and mercy.
I’m sorry you’re feeling so bad. I hope you feel better soon.
~ Rosemarie
We all revert back to “our old ways” one way or another. It’s ’cause we’re human. I wish I could tell you not to be so hard on yourself, to gentle with yourself and your being human. But, I have to admit, I don’t do a very good job of that with myself most of the time. I’m sorry you’re hurting. You’re not alone.