Many assume others can see their every flaw as if it were a scar right across their face.
I assume everyone can see my internal wounds the same as if scars covered my face.
Both versions of this painting can be seen on my art site.
Monthly Archive for January, 2009
Page 2 of 6
A recurrent theme in my dreams is cats multiplying or deformed cats. To try and better understand the presence of cats in my dreams I decided to do a bit of research. What I understand a bit better is how much I struggle with powerlessness and individuality. I often felt I didn’t have a choice or that I didn’t exist without my mother.
I know in general the cats represent me but I was uncertain if there was more to the deformation of the newborns. I found only one reference that comes close to my experiences. The Curious Dreamer gave several options for what deformed kittens/puppies may mean but this here seems most appropriate for me:
Deformity: Feeling affected in the area symbolized by the deformed body part (such as a deformed foot representing the feeling less able to make progress in your life)
Kittens/Puppies: Your inner child, playfulness, self-responsibility. The need to take more time for yourself, have more fun, and nurture yourself and your sense of play more. Dreaming of this animal can represent: Someone or something in your real life with whom you associate one of these qualities (an event, situation, threat, etc.)
When I dream about deformed newborns the mother gives birth then the newborn multiplies. She gives birth again and that baby multiplies. It splits into another, so on and so forth until there are sometimes hundreds of deformed kittens lying outside in the grass at night. They’re usually on the lawn of the house I lived in during the fourth grade. Most disturbing for me are the faceless kittens. The faceless newborns usually have no body; they’re just a faceless head lying in the grass. Continue reading ‘Dream Notes: Cats, Kittens, Deformity’
The dream started out with me in the kitchen of a house I’ve never been in before. There was a huge crash which ended up being a rock that was tossed through the living room window. Although one rock was tossed three separate windows were broken. They were broken with the same fractures as if the rock was tossed the exact same way with the exact same speed and everything else precise two more times, right beside the first window. That is of course impossible.
I went outside to see what was going on. Just then a group of people walked up to me and said they were waiting for an ambulance and while they waited could they use my restroom. I looked at everyone to measure their distress level and decided to tell the spokesperson for the group that I wouldn’t be able to do that. Humiliated, embarrassed and ashamed that I had to turn them away, I pointed the group to a restaurant across the street. Of course they were upset (pissed if you will). I tried to explain to one person that I just couldn’t do it. I have obsessive compulsive disorder and I couldn’t let them use my restroom. He shook his head in understanding then left with the small crowd. I’m not sure where they went.
My sister then re-appeared in the dream and told me there was some big to-do at the small cottage in the backyard. I went back there, knocked on the door and was promptly allowed access. Once inside I saw school age children ranging from 6 to 12 years old sitting on wooden benches that lined the first large open room. Continue reading ‘DREAM: Broken Windows and Hostages’
The full dream is written out here.
DREAM COMMENTARY:
Three small windows side by side all broken in the same spot with the very same fracture. Symbolic to say the least. I’m going to go as far as to say the windows represent me, my mother and my sister. We were all victims at one point in our life. The offenders were family, the rock. They hurt us to the core, dead smack in the middle.
I’m going to say the hostage was both my sister and myself. The first hostage who laughed at the aggressor was me. The trusting hostage who “gave ammunition” was my sister. My response to the torture of the trusting hostage was to identify with the aggressor. I didn’t blame the aggressor for torturing the hostage. I blamed the hostage for putting herself in a position that let the aggressor torture her with more ammunition. I put fault on the victim instead of the aggressor. This is exactly how I related to my sister concerning her responses to my mother. This is called “identifying with the aggressor.”
It is also possible that the hostage is but one person, me. There were times I needed my mother’s trust and understanding. There were times I felt tricked into revealing too much information which she later used to mock me. I kicked myself for being so stupid as to let my guard down. Continue reading ‘DREAM Commentary: Broken Windows and Hostages’
His cholesterol is dangerously high. It might have something to do with eating 2 two-pound containers of cottage cheese a month. It might have something to do with the ham and cheese sandwich he takes for lunch everyday. It might have something to do with the cheese and crackers he snacks on or the broccoli and cheese, potato and cheese soup he eats. It’s the cheese Fife, it’s the cheese. I tried to tell him this and he came back with a proposition.
My immediate reaction was to reject his so called deal siting it’s not a fair trade and that this is about HIM not me. I told him he has children that need him. His daughter is going to need him if her husband doesn’t make it. She’s too young to be a widow, way too young. She’s only twenty six and so is he but he has cancer really bad and it doesn’t look good for him. She doesn’t need to grieve the loss of her father while fearing for her husband. That was how I got him to see how important it is for him to take this seriously. It’s the cheese I told him. His doctor told him the same thing. So he said to me,
I’ll give up cheese if you give up smoking.
Damn you Fife, damn you!….but you’re on!
Yesterday I apologized to my body for eating two cony dogs with a total of 80 grams of cholesterol. I guess I didn’t feel too bad about it cause tonight I had the same thing for dinner. At least this time I had water instead of a huge glass of Kool-aide. I’ll do better tomorrow.
J of A
I’m a bit closed up from the last two sessions so I have nothing to offer but basic info/updates.
There’s more to process about that damn dream about Brody giving birth as well as about the question Dr. D asked me. He asked what comes to mind when I think about the part where Bella watched the mouse linger in pain. We had a good exchange about why I shut down the first time he asked me that.
We talked about recent art pieces. He really likes Peacock Tree. He said he hadn’t seen the painting Forgiveness before. He was really taken by that one. This is the first time I’ve seen him get excited about a piece of my work. He even compared it to another artist who he says has “tender” paintings. I know he likes my work but this is the first time I’ve seen him moved. Now that I like.
When dealing with a Borderline who also has narcissistic traits as well as a predominantly sadistic personality those they’re obsessed with must tread softly and with precision. If a borderline can’t deal with abandonment they may act out. Once you toss in other characteristics like those spoken of above the object of their distress can expect to see aggression. This is why I haven’t blocked my mother’s phone number. I worry if I block it her abandonment issues will be triggered and she’ll continue to show up. At least hearing my voice on my answering machine gives her a tad bit of relief, I think so anyway.
When I got her phone call today I realized I need to make another step towards keeping her away from me. I refuse to run. I refuse to move or watch my back every time I step out of the house. I fear a restraining order is needed. For that I feel stupid. The restraining order is against a woman that looks as nice as can be. She’s like a three layer chocolate cake with thick beautiful chocolate icing. But once you bit into it, it’s filled with maggots and all things vile.
The good thing is, the police don’t have to see her inside. They simply must uphold the law.
That’s all.
Austin
This Violent Borderline – Tuesday, January 20, 2009 – 7:14PM EST
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