Monthly Archive for February, 2009

Once You Leave

Published on February 27, 2009 in Abuse, Art Therapy, Emotional abuse, PTSD and Poetry. 0 Comments

This is about her getting out of my head.

I’ll be okay once you leave.

I’ll walk down my own path, once you leave.

I’ll see flowers for what they are, maybe even stop to smell a few

When you’re no longer here over my shoulder reminding me I have no right to breathe.

I’ll be okay once you leave.

F. Mag

Dream and Thoughts on Spanking

Published on February 26, 2009 in Abuse, Dreams, Female Sadist, PTSD and Therapy. 5 Comments

In this dream I was an adult as was my older sister.

I watched a movie with my sister but she kept talking so I got up to look for headphones for myself. I couldn’t find any. I went to the bedroom to look around but still couldn’t find any. I started cleaning the room instead and rearranging things. I began to pull family photos off the wall. One photo was of the sister sitting with my cousins and some family friends. Most of the photos I pulled down actually exist. They hung by silver thumbtack sloppy on a cork board. As I did my sister came in and asked me to get back to the movie with her. I told her I couldn’t hear because of her racket and needed my headphones. She said I’d never find them so I told her I’d just watch it later and that she needs to leave my DVD’s alone.

She walked out of the room. Seconds later the mother walked in. The room was now my grandparents game room in the basement with several children sitting at tables. The mother had “the stick” in her hand when she came in half dressed. All she had on was a slip pulled up under her arms. I said to her, “What did I do now.” I don’t remember her reply. It was something to the effect of, “Does it matter?” I asked if she was really upset that I told my sister she can’t watch my DVD. The mother said she was told a different version. She said my sister told her she couldn’t watch the DVD because I’d rather watch it with my gay lover. As my mother told me the version she was given my sister slinked out of the room. The mother brought her back and leaned her against the pool table. I got up and grabbed the dowel rod. I asked her if it was really necessary for her to whip my sister in front of all of us? Continue reading ‘Dream and Thoughts on Spanking’

Valid Question From A Friend

Published on February 25, 2009 in Gratitude Journal, Mental Health and Pets. 4 Comments

First off, I would have been pissed had a stranger asked me this or someone I hardly know at all but the question came from someone who does know me and who asked out of concern. Had it been a stranger I would have had all kinds of, “who do you think you are” responses and “oh cause I’m broke I shouldn’t have a dog” etc, etc. However, she asked out of concern because she knows what this household goes through financially. So, the question was, can I afford to keep Brody-chan. The answer is no and yes.

Financially it’ll be a struggle but the emotional gains I get from a dog are worth the struggle for me. Today after I get home from my medical exam I’ll be excitedly greeted by a furry thing with his tongue hanging out and tail wagging a hundred miles per hour. He’s happy to se ME, not just anyone, but ME. I need that. I need the energy a dog brings to my house and I need the distraction for grounding purposes. While Brody will not ever be the kind of dog I can take in public or have trained as an assistance dog outside the house he will be more than helpful at home. Continue reading ‘Valid Question From A Friend’

Permission

Published on February 24, 2009 in Art, Borderline Personality Disorder, Poetry and Therapy. 1 Comment

We talked about cutting and why I feel like I need it. We talked about almost feeling proud of the scars until I have to show them. Wednesday afternoon I have a physical with a doctor I don’t even know. He’s going to hold my hands, open my mouth and touch me. He’s going to ask about old scars and new ones.

I only feel ashamed of this when I have to talk to people about it. Their immediate reaction is, oh you shouldn’t hurt anymore. You’ve been through enough. It’s not like I don’t get that on a certain level. Part of cutting is punishment but part of it is for relief. It feels like a forbidden romance.

I told Dr. D about a poem I wrote for Blossom a long time ago. It’s about how if I feel pushed not to cut then I want to even more. It’s about people not being able to fix me and change not taking place unless change is desired. It’s about why I cut and being torn between what others want me to do for myself and what I feel I need to keep going.

Continue reading ‘Permission’

The Culprit

Published on February 24, 2009 in For the Record, Humor and Pets. 9 Comments

The culprit, eater of photos and other valuables.

I’m anal about a lot of things. I don’t throw away art even when I don’t like it because I figure one of me might sometime down the line. I just store it in the “not so good” folder and leave it alone. Sometimes I go through and wonder why on earth I filed stuff there.

I back up my blog every month like clock work. I don’t throw out emails that often. Google lets me do that. I put art on disk and my entries on monthly. I’m telling you my filing system is extensive. I had a business family background so ya know, I’m kinda good at filing which is why it made no sense what so ever when I couldn’t go to the F section of my photographs on disk to find a scanned copy of my father. I keep all kinds of stuff and scan records and photos all the time so why wasn’t it there? No clue.

Continue reading ‘The Culprit’

A Hundred Times

Published on February 23, 2009 in Borderline Personality Disorder, Depression, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Mental Health, PTSD, Relationships and Soapbox. 4 Comments

I shouldn’t have been shocked that she called me yesterday. It would have been easier had she not. I think that might be why I had the dream I had last night. In the dream Captain dove from a bridge into the water to swim. When he hit the water he passed out and started to sink. A guy jumped in after him and tried to drag him to shore but he was too heavy for him. He kept calling to me to help him but I wouldn’t get in the water. I’m afraid of large bodies of water. I wouldn’t even jump in to save Captain. He finally got Captain to shore and we gave him CPR to bring him back. Later I told the man I wished Captain would either die and stay dead or stay alive because I can’t keep grieving him again and again. Continue reading ‘A Hundred Times’