Daily Archive for February 5th, 2009

Forgive My Desperate Heart

Published on February 5, 2009 in Abuse, Depression, Grief Sadness Loss, Letters Home, Love, PTSD and Trust. 5 Comments

The subject of forgiveness has come up in therapy for nearly a month now. It pisses Robert off to no end. He’s worried we’ll go back to her. He says it would be like a dog returning to its vomit. How descriptive!

What we offer the mother isn’t a blanket of forgiveness. I can and have forgiven her for many things. Some stuff I think about and shake my head like “what on earth was she thinking?” I may feel some anger about it but the memory of those particular things no longer haunt me. I guess too I don’t feel a need for justice or for an answer. When it comes to things like keeping us homeless or leaving us hungry I don’t feel the need for an answer. I do not think she needs to answer to me for not giving me a blanket, curtains, towels, silverware, etc. I remember those things with sadness but not fear. I suppose the things I will not offer forgiveness for have to do with physical and sexual abuse.

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STORY: A Light Left On

Published on February 5, 2009 in Borderline Personality Disorder, Depression, Letters Home, PTSD and Therapy. 3 Comments Tags: .

“Follow this road. About oh one hundred meters or so you’ll see railroad tracks. Just before the tracks turn left and head up the hill. You’ll see it on the left.”

“Thank you.”

“Better hurry, the rain’s coming in.”

I rolled up my window and took another glance at the sky. The clouds are dark and heavy. They seem so heavy they could fall to the earth exhausted after holding themselves above us so long. They roam across the sky in a line of know how. Not one turns to the left or the right. Straight ahead, each spread across the expanse, one after the other waiting for permission to break. Break they will, on anything and anyone. Their relief is our relief. When they let go we breathe deeply. When they hold on we go longing. I, I am longing.

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