I talked to a friend last night about what happened with Brody. She said, “ya know, it would be different if he were your dog.” It’s true, it would be different. I’d still be pissed as all get out but it wouldn’t be coupled with resentment and feeling used…. I feel like I’ve been backed into a corner with no alternative but to submit. Here’s this dog that gets on my nerves half the time and the other half wraps himself around my heart strings. Then his owner is a total jackass who I have to beg to get food from or a leash or collar. Anything that dog needs I have to beg and nash my teeth to get. It’s exhausting. Then to have Brody destroy stuff in puppy fashion makes it all harder to deal with. But like Bird said, if you take out the resentment and feeling used then what you have is an overactive puppy who destroyed an irreplaceable item. That will take some time to square with but when you add the feeling attached to being used it makes it all feel like too much.
I fed him. I trained him to sit, lay down, walk on a leash and be gentle with people. He’s got his basic commands down as well as housetraining but he’s bored stiff. He needs another dog around, someone to play with… and he needs to be fixed.
Two nights ago when I kicked him out I went ahead and cleaned the house really well. Heck I even did some dusting. I never dust. I sat down and looked at the apartment and thought, “man this is nice.” It was quiet again, it was calm…. and empty…again. I figured I’d learn to manage without a dog here because at this point it’s necessary to do so. It makes me sad, really, really sad to realize I’m terrified to live without a dog. I’m lonely without one. I don’t sleep well without one in the house. I need that security, the type that I know won’t get in bed next to me for nefarious purposes. It bothers me that I’m terrified to live alone. Fife lives here but he’s hardly ever here. I pretty much have a 4 bedroom to myself. He sleeps here and that’s pretty much the extent of it. So while Brody was back there the first night all Fife did was go upstairs and go to sleep. He went to sleep knowing Brody got into chemicals for the car. I told him he needed to move anything he could get hurt on. He didn’t and Brody got into window washer fluid and he chewed up a few empty bottles of motor oil. I don’t know how to make him understand this is dangerous. To Fife Brody should leave it alone. I don’t know how to make him understand. It makes no sense to him why Brody can’t leave it alone.
Indiana laws says you can’t leave a dog on a tie out after a certain length of time so Fife let him off of it. He did his best to get out of Fife’s fenced area and into mine where he promptly went to my side window, dug a hole and stayed. The temperature dropped and the snow started falling. He didn’t go back to his house. He just stayed under my window. He didn’t make a sound, not a peep. The girls went over to the window and looked at him a few times then went on their way, went back, left, went back, left. I checked on him a few more times and saw he was surrounded by snow. I couldn’t let him sleep in that so I brought him in and promptly put him in the crate. He slept like a rock. This morning when I woke up and tried to get him to leave the crate he didn’t move. He looked up at me like, “Oh please don’t make me go out there.” I wanted a little more sleep anyway so I went back to bed and left him in there. Once I was ready to get up for good I made sure Fife didn’t see me and let Brody back outside. I don’t want him to know I let him sleep inside. To him that’s me giving in. To me it’s me doing right by the dog in spite of his owner. Right now he’s outside under my window quiet at a church mouse.
The difficulty is Brody isn’t mine. I’ve been tossed this dog who I’m expected to care for emotionally and financially with the full knowledge that he can be taken away from me without warning. I’m not good with change at all.
So the entire issue is that I feel used and I love the dog and I’m worried about how I’m going to do when I’m by myself again. I’m angry that I feel financially strained with no benefit to me. It’s simply not right. Brody was 4 months old when he first got here in September. Before that he was in a yard alone. I’m the only stable home he’s ever had and you know what? Despite his buttheaded ways I love that dog. Because I do it makes everything even harder.