24 « February « 2009 « The People Behind My Eyes

We talked about cutting and why I feel like I need it. We talked about almost feeling proud of the scars until I have to show them. Wednesday afternoon I have a physical with a doctor I don’t even know. He’s going to hold my hands, open my mouth and touch me. He’s going to ask about old scars and new ones.

I only feel ashamed of this when I have to talk to people about it. Their immediate reaction is, oh you shouldn’t hurt anymore. You’ve been through enough. It’s not like I don’t get that on a certain level. Part of cutting is punishment but part of it is for relief. It feels like a forbidden romance.

I told Dr. D about a poem I wrote for Blossom a long time ago. It’s about how if I feel pushed not to cut then I want to even more. It’s about people not being able to fix me and change not taking place unless change is desired. It’s about why I cut and being torn between what others want me to do for myself and what I feel I need to keep going.

Continue reading ‘Permission’

The culprit, eater of photos and other valuables.

I’m anal about a lot of things. I don’t throw away art even when I don’t like it because I figure one of me might sometime down the line. I just store it in the “not so good” folder and leave it alone. Sometimes I go through and wonder why on earth I filed stuff there.

I back up my blog every month like clock work. I don’t throw out emails that often. Google lets me do that. I put art on disk and my entries on monthly. I’m telling you my filing system is extensive. I had a business family background so ya know, I’m kinda good at filing which is why it made no sense what so ever when I couldn’t go to the F section of my photographs on disk to find a scanned copy of my father. I keep all kinds of stuff and scan records and photos all the time so why wasn’t it there? No clue.

Continue reading ‘The Culprit’