Monthly Archive for February, 2009

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Revenge And Childhood Vulnerability

Published on February 14, 2009 in Abuse, Female Sadist, PTSD and Therapy. 4 Comments

I wrote a story a bit ago about a little girl named Jessica who stood up to her mother and told her she’d show her what it felt like to wish she’d never been born. I took the story in to my therapist and his immediate thought was it’s a story of revenge. It’s not. It’s a story about a little girl, me, who didn’t realize how in over her head she really was. It’s a story meant for me to see just how vulnerable I was. It’s a story meant to allow myself to move past the guilt associated with being abused.

No matter what I did or the little girl did in the story there was a huge woman with the last word. Moments of strength and courage were mocked, hope and security squashed. That is what the story means for me.

Dr. D wanted to know if I ever fantasized about revenge on my mother or other abusers. No, not really. I never felt powerful enough to do so. I think revenge fantasies are healthy sometimes because to me it says the person has enough self worth to realize what was done to them was brutally wrong and justice needs to be served. Some of us don’t get to the point of revenge fantasies cause we don’t think that way. I for one don’t like to go there because I can’t get past the idea that I’d be responsible for causing fear, pain and shame on that level. I can see myself so afraid, so dissociated. So in my fantasies I can’t go there. I can’t do it. That’s why in the dream there were no real specifics as to what the child would to do her mother to make her wish she’d never been born. There were no details as to how she’d make her miserable. It’s not something I do with ease. I understand it though when others can.

Continue reading ‘Revenge And Childhood Vulnerability’

Ginger – Soon To Be Mine

Published on February 12, 2009 in For the Record and Gratitude Journal. 5 Comments

I put her on layaway. Heck yes. She’s soon to be mine. I can’t even stand it!!!! Yes!!!!!!!!

I love this little one so much. I don’t know what it is about this doll but I love her.  Have you ever seen something and thought to yourself, “I have to have this. I have to find a way to have this.” That’s what I thought when I saw her a month or so ago. Today I got up the nerve to ask her maker if I could put her in layaway. She said yes. Little Ginger will live here very soon. I’m so happy I can’t stand it.

http://ny-image0.etsy.com/il_fullxfull.39161892.jpg

Austin and some little people close by.

I Know Where I Was This Time

Published on February 12, 2009 in For the Record, Relationships and Soapbox. 3 Comments

Well, no questions to ask myself other than, “Why didn’t you remember to grab your keys on the way out the door.” The morning started off with a bang. Two cabs showed up then the cab company called to tell me a second cab was coming for me instead of my regular driver. I told them my regular driver (big afro, major attitude) was outside arguing with the second guy and I had to go. I hung up from there, grabbed my bag and left. When I came back home at 4:30pm I realized my keys were hanging right where they always hang. In my hurry to leave I forgot them.

I figured Fife would return in an hour or so which meant I could wait it out with no problem. Damn, now I have to use the restroom. In the freezing rain I walked to a neighbor’s house and used the restroom. He had to leave so I got back in my car for about an hour. That’s when the rain really started coming down. The wind blew my car from side to side. The dog barked and looked at me like I was a cruel something for making him stay out there in the wind and rain. I couldn’t do anything for him. He was cold too but I couldn’t do a darn thing about it. Continue reading ‘I Know Where I Was This Time’

Where Has The Time Gone?

Published on February 10, 2009 in Dissociative Identity Disorder, Mental Health, Morton's Pride and Therapy. 3 Comments

Where has the time gone and where have I been? I was surprised when I got a phone call today from my therapist asking where I was. He said we were to meet on Monday at 2:15PM. I said Yes. I’ll see you tomorrow. He said, “Today is Monday.” I guess that explains he wasn’t calling me on Sunday to confirm a Monday appointment. It seemed weird that he would. I guess he didn’t. So, I go in at 10am on Tuesday, the real Tuesday not the fake one. Here it is after 3am and I’m still awake. Where has the time gone? I remember thinking around 1am if I lay down I’d get a few hours of sleep before my appointment. The next thing I know it’s 3am. Should I go to bed, should I stay up? Shesh, I have no idea. I’m worried if I go to bed I won’t wake in time. I guess the real issue is how much time I’m losing.

My house is clean, I know that much. That means Maureen has been around. I don’t think it’s been that long since she left because there’s no pile of clothes on the floor behind the door in the restroom. She hates it when we do that. Other evidence she’s been around is how our clothes were hung. All the white shirts are together, all the red, all the blue together neatly like someone will come in and judge our worth by how well we hang our clothes. Oh look how “Goodwill store-like she hangs her clothes. She’s surely a good person.”

While I see evidence of where I’ve been today I have no real clue as to where I’ve been or what I’ve done in the last few days.

Where Has The Time Gone? – Tuesday, February 10, 2009-3:13AM EST

I Pray You'll Love Me

Published on February 9, 2009 in Anger, Art Therapy, Borderline Personality Disorder, Depression, Emotional abuse, Emotions, Grief Sadness Loss, Love, PTSD, Secrets and Confessions and Trust. 1 Comment

It is this desperation that leads to unreasonable actions. Make her love me. Make her safe. Make me good.

Perhaps I should have prayed for her to love herself. Maybe then she could in turn love me.

Title: I Pray You’ll Love Me
Art by F. Magdalene Austin

As Difficult As Possible

Published on February 7, 2009 in For the Record and Humor. 4 Comments

Shopping wouldn’t be so exasperating if stores didn’t set out to make the experience as difficult as possible. All I want is to get in and get out. I don’t want to spend 90 minutes in the soup isle because I can’t find a simple can of tomato soup. They have 60 different kinds of tomato soup. Tomato soup with shrimp, tomato soup with bacon, with beans, with God only knows what. And finally at the very end of the isle at the very bottom, nearly under the display is a lone can of regular tomato soup. It’s twice as much as soup with a bunch of crap in it. I don’t understand.

In the bread isle they have “wheat bread” next to a loaf simply marked “bread”. Then you’ve got fiber infused bread, 1000 nut bread, whole grains imported from areas not recognized by the United Nations and the white bread that coats your innards like glue. I’m surprised they don’t sell that stuff in the craft isle next to other Elmer’s products. Of course once you get over to the crafts section you’ve got like 30 types of glue to choose from and all the labels look just alike.

We move to the coffee isle and it’s the same thing, a hundred different choices. Can’t I just have regular Folgers? Why is regular Folgers more expensive than the Folgers Cafe with antioxidants and Chinese secrets?  It’s coffee people, don’t tell me you’ve added things only the ancient Chinese and your company know. And tea? Well, see, I’m not convinced Wal-mart has the inside scoop on holistic teas so I’m going to skip the Wal-mart brand. My issue with green tea is this, they never say what shade of green do they? Is it mint green, emerald green, greenish-gray? Can we be a little more specific? I’m moving on, forget the 600 types of tea with some shade of green. I’m over it.  Continue reading ‘As Difficult As Possible’

Oh I Can’t Even Take It

Published on February 6, 2009 in Art, For the Record and Humor. 3 Comments Tags: .

Oh-ma-lord I am so thrilled with what I found this evening/morning. See, in the middle of the night when I can’t won’t sleep I Google “sunflowers” to see what I’ll get. I saw …get this… a sunflower umbrella. That lead to many other art umbrellas. I found a Harold Feinstein Sunflower Umbrella.  I can’t see me with that particular umbrella but its still pretty. Heck, there’s an entire collection of art umbrellas. I’ve never heard of such things. This stuff is awesome!!! Continue reading ‘Oh I Can’t Even Take It’