Monthly Archives: March 2009

Paint Not Pain

crystals-art-suicidal-thoughtsMy week end was difficult. I had a hard time concentrating on anything but one very destructive act triggered by a phone call and a cruel comment someone left on a different web site.  Instead of falling back into the same pattern I kept my pens, paint brushes and coloured pencils moving. Some of these pieces I worked on for up to 12 hours at a time. It never takes me that long to sketch but I wanted to keep myself busy.

One thing I noticed about recent artwork is how one large head oversees a body surrounded by smaller bodies. There’s a small body in the corner either facing the group or hunched over away from the group. This particular piece doesn’t have a large tree to the side or the in the center like many of my art therapy sketches. Another difference is the house and tree inside the belly of the body sitting beside the white redheaded figure. That’s new for me but not for the person who drew this piece. Again I see a poppy field and hair that blows away wildly. There are a ton of hidden flowers which represent emotions. This is disturbing to look at but I understand why she drew it. Continue reading

Tree House Challenge

Tree House ChallengeWhile looking over my drawings in therapy Dr. D said something interesting about boundaries. He noted that even in my artwork there are few boundaries. Everything swirls together. Objects share space and go wherever they please. Later at home I decided to try and sketch a piece that has boundaries. Little did I know it would be so difficult that I gave up on it.

I started out simple, a house and a tree. I couldn’t think of what else to put in it so I pictured my neighbors house. After that mental image I added a walk way and mailbox. I was frustrated by then so I jotted down what I thought. (See gallery for close ups) The first thing I remember feeling was how rigid it was to draw an image in it’s own space. The tree doesn’t grow through the house, just up through the ground. The door isn’t over sized and the walkway is a normal everyday walkway instead of one that winds around the house, over it and everywhere but to the door itself. That is what I would have done with the sketch had I not taken the challenge of boundaries.

As I said, the piece was frustrating so I moved on to art I could do and enjoy. The below sketch is an answer to the boundary challenge. Continue reading

Talk To The Wall

In therapy today we talked about:

  1. Identifying with the aggressor.
  2. My sister’s milestone birthday.
  3. A very cruel comment made to me about my relationship with my abuser and those who watched it.
  4. Art therapy.
  5. Suicidal ideations.
  6. A car accident that I saw.
  7. Blocking Blossom’s phone number.
  8. Vulnerability.

When I got up to leave he said, “Call me if you need to talk.” I wasn’t sure why he said it but when he did a series of borderline and other tendencies took place. A big wall went up. I don’t need you. I’ve had my session, I’ll see you on Wednesday. Don’t get too comfortable with the thought that I trust you cause I don’t. All of that was wrapped up in “Why would I call? I’ll see you on Wednesday.” I looked rather puzzled when I said it. Why on earth would I call him? Confused. I was so confused.

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This That and the Other

There’s a lot to say but I’m having a hard time actually writing coherent posts so I’m just going to write a mix of stuff together. Here goes,

I still have the flu a bit and I’m still a tad bit upset that in order for Fife to take me to the store for a few things he wanted me to make him some chicken soup. He was clearly put out by taking me 2 miles down the street. Now he has the flu. I don’t know, it hurts to know he thought of his belly instead of just being a friend.

Fife is a tad bit worried cause his stocks are no more and neither is his 401K.He actually asked me to help him buy smarter at the grocery store.

The day he told me about his 401K was the day we went to the store for flu supplies. I thought to myself, here I am upset I have the flu and he’s lost everything he worked for. But then I was like, whatever, I need my moment here. I’m tired of feeling trumped by every other disaster in the world. I’m sorry the economy is in the toilet. I’m sorry you’ve lost everything but dammit, I’m trying to have a moment here, just one. It sounds cold but when do my personal problems count? I always feel trumped. So-in-so lost their house, so-in-so is having surgery, this person is struggling with this and that at. If I have a minor issue like the flu it feels almost petty to complain about it or ask for something. I’m sorry the world is falling apart but I need a moment for pity too. My small stuff matters the same as my big stuff.

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I’m Gonna Smile

When I there’s nothing inside to make me smile I search outside. Here’s one of the places I go to find my smile. Puppets In Motion is an absolute blast. The puppets sing all sort of songs and well, so well you might forget a puppet is performing. Watch the hand movements, the manner of dress, the body expression. The people who put these puppets in motion are pure genius.

The song this little guy sings is of course sad but he’s quite talented and I scream like a little school girl every time he performs. Not only can he sing All By Myself by John Barrowman but he sings songs by Coldplay and John Lennon with the same “Oh I so love you” reaction. Did I mention he’s fluent in Greek?

Check out his ear ring!! He’s too cute. Continue reading

Still Here

I’m still here and still sick. I’m better than I was but I can tell this isn’t over yet.

There’s a heck of a lot to say but I can’t seem to get the words together. Words scramble around my head but I can’t seem to put them together. That doesn’t have anything to do with the flu though.

I’ve done a lot of line drawings for the Art Therapy blog but not much else in the creative area.

Since I couldn’t go in to see Dr. D we had our last session over the phone. Even saying that much makes me want to run. So I”ll leave it at that…… therapy and the flu are both still kicking my butt.


They’re Laughing At You

Maybe two days ago, heck who knows when it was but it was recent. It was this year, not last year or 10 years ago still I responded as if it were sometime back then.

Fife and I bicker over the same things. The subject of our arguments don’t vary. We bicker about heat, AC, the yard and the dishes. There are hardly ever any new issues with us, the other day was no different. It seems he’s okay with letting the lime build up in the dishwasher and I’m not. While we were at the store together I suggested we get a $4  bottle of Jet Dry Dishwasher Cleaner. I said I’d pay for half of it. He said he wanted to get a cleaner that would allow him to do the dishes with a cleaner in it. That cleaner was $3.77. I told him the thick white and black crud covering the heating element indicates we need a stronger cleaner than soap with cleaner in it. He said, “We don’t’ need that one.” He grabbed the cheaper stuff and put it in his cart. I refused to pay for half of it. Silence the whole way home.

When ever it was, the other day, as I said I don’t exactly remember when, I pulled out dishes that had been washed three times but still had a thick layer of white film. I told him we need to take care of it so we don’t have to use 3 different kinds of soap and still have a bad load of dishes. I told him it makes more sense to do the job right once instead of three or four times then have to get the right cleaner. I asked him if he was ready to try my idea. He told me it wasn’t necessary and walked away. That’s when my brain started playing tricks on me. This is when I threw an inner fit.

Continue reading