Psychiatric Exam

I had my last psych exam to renew my social security. The exam went just fine but of course transportation was an issue. I had no idea how to get there but I MapQuested it and ended up getting there quite easily. I was suppose to go with Birdie but she flaked on me… should I say lied. I think she forgot she told me when she needs to get out of something she uses the standard excuse that the girls have a half day in school. That’s the excuse she gave me late last night letting me know she wouldn’t be my transportation. So, as I said, I got directions and got there just fine. What I didn’t do was print them out backwards. For most it would seem easy to do the exact opposite of what they did before but it’s not that easy for me to do things backwards. I got lost…. for a good long time.

I stopped for directions twice but while the person spoke my head went blank. I pulled from the last place I stopped in and drove on the wrong side of the street. That’s when I knew I could no longer drive on my own. I pulled over and sat for a little bit. I then saw a church down the street so I went down there and walked in. I told the pastor there that I really needed to get home but I was no longer able to do that on my own. He asked if he could give directions. I told him what I needed was for someone in his church to be kind enough to let me follow them back to my address. Turns out I was about 7 min from home. He got in his car and let me follow him here. I’m so happy he listened to me and didn’t try and give directions with the “oh this is easy just go out and turn left, drive for this long then turn right then turn left….blah, blah, blah.” I’d already done that and drove through 1/4th a tank of gas. I get 25 miles per gallon which means to run out 1/4th of a tank I really did some driving around . I was lost, and exhausted and dissociative.

I was so happy he didn’t question if I really needed that sort of assistance or not. I said to him, “I need you to hear me when I say I cannot do this on my own right now. I can”t get home. I need someone to please be kind enough to let me follow them to my house.” Seven minutes away but I never would have found it on my own. I’ve been home for several hours but I’m going right back to sleep. This isn’t one of those days I need to be awake.

The exam as I said went just fine. The pdoc wanted to know about cutting and if I planned on stopping. That’s a sticky subject with me. Don’t tell me to stop cause it just pisses me off. I told him I didn’t want to talk about it anymore. He asked how many personalities I have. I refused to give a number. Hell, he had my records in front of him the answer surely is in there somewhere. Those are the only two subjects I refused.

Nine in the morning after waking from nightmares I piled into the car and got there with ease but had another nightmare getting home. I’m home now and don’t plan on going anywhere until therapy on Tuesday. I’ll call doctor D tomorrow. He’s not in today. I don’t think I could get a word out right now anyway. I seem to write things better than I speak nowadays. But we’re not going to text message one another or IM about the appointments (ER and the psych exam) so I figure when I talk to him Friday I’ll babble a bit and look just as stupid as I did when I walked into that church a huge mess.

I don’t do that well outside the house especially in an area I don’t know. I’ve got a 2 hour out of the house limit then I crumble. The world is a loud place I just don’t want to be in.

It makes sense now why I can put twenty bucks in the tank and ride on it all month long…. I don’t go far from home cause I don’t know if I can get back.

I actually took some clonapin. That hardly ever happens but I figure it’s a clonapin type of day. I’ve got just enough mullah to fill the Zoloft and clonapin. That’s exactly what I’m going to do.

Austin