Daily Archive for March 17th, 2009

All Up To Me

Published on March 17, 2009 in Abuse, Art Therapy, Borderline Personality Disorder, Emotions, Grief Sadness Loss, PTSD and Trust. 0 Comments

Her happiness, her pain, life or death, it was all up to me.  One right or wrong move could mean her life or death. That’s a huge burden for a child.

all-up-to-me-1x

I believed her.

F. Mag

Dear Joan

Published on March 17, 2009 in Abuse, Anxiety, Art Therapy, Borderline Personality Disorder, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Emotional abuse, Emotions, Fear, Grief Sadness Loss and PTSD. 0 Comments

It’s always cool when we find a song titled with an alters name. There’s a song called Dear Joan by Rob Thomas on the Tabatha’s Secret 1 CD. I was listening to that song while sketching.

“I’m haunted more from this than anything I’ve ever known. Dear Joan.”

dear-joan

The sketch below was done while watching TV. My closed captions caught these lyrics here:

“The very things that let you live are killing you.”

killing-you-art-therapy

F. Mag

Filtered

Published on March 17, 2009 in Abuse, Anxiety, Art Therapy, Borderline Personality Disorder, Dehumanize, Emotional abuse, Emotions, PTSD, Secrets and Confessions and Trust. 0 Comments

through-a-filter.

Dr. D said I see myself through a different filter and that others don’t see me the same way I see myself.

self-worth-art-therapy

F. Mag

More ER Conversation

Published on March 17, 2009 in Abuse, Female Sadist, Medical, Mental Health, PTSD and Therapy. 6 Comments

We talked a little more about the ER visit.

Before any of the oddities of that visit began I had to deal with my name change. I guess I was there years upon years ago and they still had me with my old name but same social security number. They denied all of my ID with a photo or anything at all associated with medical insurance. They kept calling me by the old name. I made it very clear that they could call me by MY name or even a number but the other name wasn’t an option.

The way the name situation got resolved was they accepted my car insurance as ID. They looked at my MasterCard as ID too but I refused to let them scan it or write down the number. Instead of correcting the old information they set up two accounts under the same social security number which means each time I go in there (yeah right, like I’m going back) I can deal with the ‘are you who you say you are’ crap. So, I dealt with being called by my birth name several times before all the real drama started. One thing I kept trying to remember was to answer to my name of choice. I was pissed big time and dissociating. I worried when they used my current name and name of choice that I wouldn’t recognize it. It happens… more than I’d like to admit, so I kept trying to remember to respond as if I knew they were talking to me. I would have looked even more suspicious had I not answered when addressed by the name on my ID. I was paranoid at one point cause I worried they’d test me and walk in and call me Sandy or Nicole or something else and I’d respond to it and look like I’d stolen some chick’s identity. They didn’t believe me when I told them I changed my name. It wasn’t good at all and it only got worse.

Continue reading ‘More ER Conversation’