If you take my voice you take my power.
Despite the fact that I’ve written about this subject again and again I still feel the need to write about it. I feel a twinge of embarrassment for this level of grief, even more foolish for crying. It’s as if I should be more concerned about other things. Since I’ve felt foolish about it and since I’ve written about it again and again I figured why write more. Why keep saying the same things over and over again? I’ll just shut up I figure.
If I give you my voice I also give you my power.
With that said – Today, like every other day, I miss my sister.
I wonder if she’s having a hard time with turning forty today. I wonder if her friends are teasing her about it. I wonder if my mother is teasing her about it. I wonder how she really feels.
I miss my sister.
My sister was right there in front of me but because of an abusive family she was nothing but a snare. They used us against one another. They may have killed our relationship but they didn’t kill the desire to have it. When I think of her I’m nearly brought to my knees. I need mercy.
About the drawing: A fish swims towards a wiggle worm trap. A little girl holds her hand out for mercy but like the worm, it’s a trap. The word merciful is written above her hand. She can’t see the line. She’s unsuspecting.
Joan of Arc
Today – Like Other Days – Tuesday, March 24, 2009
My heart aches for you and the loss of a relationship with your sister. Some of the cruelest things our parents/abusers can do don’t involve physical violence. I don’t know the whole story but I hope that some day you and your sister can find a way to have a relationship despite the abuse.
Your first line is so true, I must admit the rest a little of a blur. You are very eloquent.
I miss my sister, too. I called her yesterday. I can’t remember the last time I really felt close to her. Something about the healing we are each trying to do seems to take us further apart instead of closer together.
We were talking about our torture and dissociation. We talked some about mercy…or lack thereof.