Maybe two days ago, heck who knows when it was but it was recent. It was this year, not last year or 10 years ago still I responded as if it were sometime back then.
Fife and I bicker over the same things. The subject of our arguments don’t vary. We bicker about heat, AC, the yard and the dishes. There are hardly ever any new issues with us, the other day was no different. It seems he’s okay with letting the lime build up in the dishwasher and I’m not. While we were at the store together I suggested we get a $4 bottle of Jet Dry Dishwasher Cleaner. I said I’d pay for half of it. He said he wanted to get a cleaner that would allow him to do the dishes with a cleaner in it. That cleaner was $3.77. I told him the thick white and black crud covering the heating element indicates we need a stronger cleaner than soap with cleaner in it. He said, “We don’t’ need that one.” He grabbed the cheaper stuff and put it in his cart. I refused to pay for half of it. Silence the whole way home.
When ever it was, the other day, as I said I don’t exactly remember when, I pulled out dishes that had been washed three times but still had a thick layer of white film. I told him we need to take care of it so we don’t have to use 3 different kinds of soap and still have a bad load of dishes. I told him it makes more sense to do the job right once instead of three or four times then have to get the right cleaner. I asked him if he was ready to try my idea. He told me it wasn’t necessary and walked away. That’s when my brain started playing tricks on me. This is when I threw an inner fit.
My mind raced a hundred miles an hour. I said to myself, he’s just being a jerk because he can. He feels powerless so he’s taking his powerlessness out on me. He stood there smiling. He knows how angry it makes me when this place is filthy. He doesn’t care. Heck it’s just me. I’m not important enough to be considerate for. I’m just Austin. I don’t matter. I’m not worth making things nice for but heck if one of his girlfriends asked him to do something he’d jump through hoops to do it. I went on and on and on. I exhausted myself with different scenarios of how this man is screwing me and being a jerk because he can. My mind went everywhere from the kitchen to the dining room to the laundry room and every other corner of the house which proved my theory that he lives to be nasty and that sometimes its to spite me. He’s laughing at me, the powerless son of a bitch is laughing at me. He knows it’s gross and he’s laughing at me.
The next morning I woke up and he was in the kitchen with the dishwasher apart. He was on the floor cleaning it part by part. He looked up at me and said, “You were right, this is pretty bad.” I said, “Yuck, that’s gross” and went on about my business. Later he gave me money to get the Jet Dry Cleaner. I picked it up today and we finished off cleaning a washer that took 3 months of bitching and moaning plus a brain aneurysm to complete.
After I did two weeks worth of dishes I tossed together potato soup and biscuits. We sat down for dinner with a man-child whose eyes light up at the sight of a home cooked meal. He had no idea what played out in my head and how I made him the worst villain ever, the type to stand in your face and smile knowing damn well you want to choke them but legally can’t.
He didn’t laugh at me. He didn’t communicate with me either. Yup, he could have said he was going to take it apart and clean it but he didn’t. That’s not Fife. One sentence is enough for him then he’s off to whatever previously had his attention. I think the reason he acted was because I changed my approach. That’s not important to the entry though. The entry is about how fast my brain went from today to yesterday. That situation went south quickly but only in my head. He had no clue. Just like the woman-child I was when growing up I stood angry and resentful with the appearance of calm and reasonable. In my head, after the exchange, it went south and fast.
He’s not listening to me. He doesn’t care because I’m no one. Argh, the weight of those words are tremendous yet I hear them in my mother’s voice nearly everyday. That and, “Those people are laughing at you.” “You’re a joke to them.” “Don’t make a fool of yourself.”
Like a broken record she sings in my head. I can even see her smile. I’d like to break her teeth. My God I am so tired. When I think about all that goes through my head I wonder if there will be a significant enough change in my life to make it worth living. It seems like there’s so much to do, so much to counteract, silence or straight kill. This job of rebuilding myself and my mind seems huge but what else would I do? If I didn’t at least try the only thing I’d have to look forward to is more of the same.
I just don’t know.
Joan of Arc
They’re Laughing At You – Wednesday, March 25, 2009 – 1:16AM EST
How sad and infuriating when someone can’t simply communicate, and do what needs to be done without little power trips. I know what you mean about how fast your brain goes from today to yesterday. It doesn’t take much, just the fact of not being heard, not being taken seriously as a credible adult.
Rebuilding oneself is a lifetime project. I too wonder if there will be a significant enough change in my life to make it worth living–and like you I also question what else I could do. There doesn’t seem much choice, really.
I’m glad Fife finally took care of the dishwasher, but geez, too bad you had to go through all of that nonsense in order for it to happen!