In therapy today we talked about:
- Identifying with the aggressor.
- My sister’s milestone birthday.
- A very cruel comment made to me about my relationship with my abuser and those who watched it.
- Art therapy.
- Suicidal ideations.
- A car accident that I saw.
- Blocking Blossom’s phone number.
- Vulnerability.
When I got up to leave he said, “Call me if you need to talk.” I wasn’t sure why he said it but when he did a series of borderline and other tendencies took place. A big wall went up. I don’t need you. I’ve had my session, I’ll see you on Wednesday. Don’t get too comfortable with the thought that I trust you cause I don’t. All of that was wrapped up in “Why would I call? I’ll see you on Wednesday.” I looked rather puzzled when I said it. Why on earth would I call him? Confused. I was so confused.
For me Dr. D disappears after my sessions. He no longer exists. He’s less of a threat that way. He knows too much. It’s one of those things where if I tell you everything I have to kill you. I won’t kill him literally but in my mind once I walk out of his door he ceases to exist. To call him after a session makes him more real than I can allow. He knows from experience if he calls me without warning he might not be met with joy or cheer. Keep it in the office, that’s my motto. Anyway, in my typical fashion of going on and on I went back to why on earth would I’d call that man? I come in twice a week. Is that not enough? WTF? I know he’s not trying to get me to rely on him. If he thinks I’m down for that he’s got another thing coming!!! (sigh) It took several hours at home before I remember he spoke briefly with Maureen. Oops. Now I understand. My bad. Damn DID!!!! Good thing he has no idea we knocked him from PhD to “that man” ( shesss, wipes brow ) I make myself tired. I will however clue him in about the switch which is why I had no idea why he said I could call. Delayed inner communication between alters, oh the joy, make it stop.
At the very end of the session he called me by my first name which totally caught me off guard. At first I was frightened but then sort of relieved. It’s always a shock when I realize he can actually see me. If he called my name he can see me. I’m not dreaming this. This is real. I’m not off in my head someplace. I’m here. I’m not just a shell and I have a name.
Sometimes when I hear my first name I nearly leap for joy. Inside I all but jump up and down, point at myself and go, “Oh, oh, Me! That’s me. That’s me!!!” It’s a gift to have a name I can hear without automatically lowering my head. It’s like hearing someone call out the winning numbers to the lottery. I realize the numbers are mine and become extatic. It’s of little wonder someone stripped of dignity and individuality feels this strongly about her name of choice. I can hear my name and I don’t have to apologize for existing or for behaving as if my place is somewhere other than with the dogs. I didn’t get to tell him that either cause I was still in “Oh my gosh I exist and he’s not offended by it” mode.
So that was the session as well as the roller coaster I put myself on. I really wear myself out sometimes as I put up a wall to protect me from him or anyone else who dares to care.
Austin
I think that’s why (outside of cost) I never have been able to stick with a therapist. Once they know too much, I become ashamed and start sabotaging communication. It really is a difficult relationship to maintain.
Hey Cheese,
In the session I’m rather open with him but I don’t want to rely on him outside of the session. I think I’m still afraid of what happened with other therapists I’ve had. Others have gotten too involved in my life outside of therapy which hurt my treatment. I don’t want that to ever happen again so I’m extra careful, maybe too much so.
It’s difficult too when some of us want to go in for therapy and others of us go because they have to. They can’t exit the body and stay home. Some of us know him and others of us don’t. I think too I switch so much in therapy that it’s hard to keep up with what I said and what he said and why. Argh!!! It’s frustrating.
We in Morton’s Pride have a system for the phone. I (Joan) always answer the phone. Anyone can call out but when it comes to answering it I’m the only one who does that. If I’m not out the phone doesn’t get answered. Say Maureen called Dr. D but that information didn’t filter to me. When he calls her back I have no clue why he’s calling me. I get worried he’s crossing boundaries and begin to pull back. One would think I’d catch on that Maureen called him but we are so separate sometimes that I forget she or someone else may have called or whatever.
I hope that makes a little more sense about why I freak when he calls me. I worry he’ll end up like other therapists I’ve had who showed up at my house or who called to talk about that day’s Oprah show. That can’t ever happen again. I’m the client not the therapist or friend. I realize my wall for this is too thick and misplaced at times. I’m working on it though.
thanks for dropping by,
later,
Austin
I’m the opposite. I cling too much to my T. I tend to reach out too much. If someone knows too much about me, I want them close. The old saying, “keep your friends close – your enemies closer.” I need to know their moves in case they start acting weird after knowing all about me.
So I take it you are feeling better? I sure hope so.
“I need to know their moves in case they start acting weird after knowing all about me.”
Hmmm… that’s interesting. It all comes down to trust doesn’t it? We may handle it in different ways but it all comes down to trust and reasons not to.
Yeah, I’m living. I still have some residual stuff but I’m not nearly as bad as I was 2 weeks ago. I figure in about a week I should be totally clear of this.
Austin
I can so relate to the feeling that comes when someone actually calls me by my name, my real chosen name instead of the one someone else tagged on me. It feels so powerful, that acknowledgement of my existence and my wishes. Yet, I’m always surprised when it actually happens.
It helps so much to hear others’ various reactions to therapy–I feel like I must be the only one. Sometimes I cling and sometimes I flee/withdraw–usually one extreme or the other. It is hard to have the therapist exist in one’s mind outside of sessions.
Take care Austin–that’s a big difficult list.