Monthly Archive for March, 2009

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Rebuild This City

Published on March 24, 2009 in Abuse, Anxiety, Art Therapy, Dehumanize, Emotional abuse and PTSD. 1 Comment Tags: .

FalsehoodIt’s going to get better. We won’t argue anymore. That’s what she told me the first time I came home from the hospital after severe depression over my family’s situation. It wasn’t but a few short hours and she again held my sister by the hair.

She lied that day and many days after yet it is her voice I bow too as if she herself is a prophet. Why do I listen to her voice for truths about myself when all she’s ever said and done to me has been based on falsehood?

There’s a song that says, “We built this city on rock and roll.” My mother attempted to prevent me from building a sense of self. She built the city that is me on a foundation of falsehood. I need to rebuild and maintain the sense of self I was denied early on.

I understand why it was necessary to strip me of dignity and respect. I understand why she needed to peal away any belief I had that I could survive separate from her. With a sense of self I’d defy her. I’d tell her no. I’d stand up instead of kneel. Her lies kept me small, hungry and willing to be lead by and for her. She was a master abuser but a poor architect.


This is a live performance of Back to Good by Matchbox 20. These words are hard to hear sometimes which is why I hardly ever listen to the song but the man can sing and his lyrics are gripping.

“Everyone here, is wondering what it’s like to be with somebody else
Everyone here’s to blame, everyone here
Get’s caught up in the pleasure of the pain, everyone hides
Shades of shame, but looking inside we’re the same, we’re the same
And we’re all grown now, but we don’t know how
To get it back to good

Everyone here, knows everyone here is thinking ’bout somebody else
It’s best if we all keep this under our heads
I couldn’t tell, if anyone here was feeling the way I do
But it’s over now, and I don’t know how, it’s over now
There’s no getting back to good ”

Rebuild This City-Wednesday, March 25, 2009 – 12:14midnight EST

Today, Like Other Days

Published on March 24, 2009 in Abuse, Art, Art Therapy, Grief Sadness Loss and Letters Home. 3 Comments Tags: .

MercifulIf you take my voice you take my power.

Despite the fact that I’ve written about this subject again and again I still feel the need to write about it. I feel a twinge of embarrassment for this level of grief, even more foolish for crying. It’s as if I should be more concerned about other things. Since I’ve felt foolish about it and since I’ve written about it again and again I figured why write more. Why keep saying the same things over and over again? I’ll just shut up I figure.

If I give you my voice I also give you my power.

With that said – Today, like every other day, I miss my sister.

I wonder if she’s having a hard time with turning forty today. I wonder if her friends are teasing her about it. I wonder if my mother is teasing her about it. I wonder how she really feels.

I miss my sister.

My sister was right there in front of me but because of an abusive family she was nothing but a snare. They used us against one another. They may have killed our relationship but they didn’t kill the desire to have it. When I think of her I’m nearly brought to my knees. I need mercy.

About the drawing: A fish swims towards a wiggle worm trap. A little girl holds her hand out for mercy but like the worm, it’s a trap. The word merciful is written above her hand. She can’t see the line. She’s unsuspecting.

Joan of Arc

Today – Like Other Days – Tuesday, March 24, 2009

It’s Been Awhile

Published on March 20, 2009 in Relationships. 2 Comments

This is one of the first times in a very long time I’ve been sick by myself. For the last 7 years Blossom was here to annoy the heck out of me when I got sick. Not anymore though.  I actually went to the ER alone.  No Blossom. When I got the flu I sneezed and choked by myself. I climbed in bed by myself. No Blossom. I needed and orange juice run. No Blossom and no Captain. WOW.

Two nights ago when I realized this stupid flu is going to hold on I nearly panicked. Before, if I got sick and needed something, anything at all, she’d stop the world, jump off and come here. I may have taken that for granted. I think she should get a tad bit of credit for that. Not a card or a phone call or any other form of contact, just a bit of past due credit for looking after me….and for wearing the naughty nurse outfit.

‘preciate it.

miss ya Cappy

Austin

Star of the Show

Published on March 19, 2009 in For the Record, Relationships, Soapbox and Stupid People. 8 Comments Tags: .

I said in the previous entry I don’t want to be doted over or waited on when I’m sick and that people only bring food to the sick in the movies. I take all that back, it would have been nice to have Fife ask if I wanted orange juice or something. It would be nice for me to not have to tell him I can’t fill the dishwasher right now cause I’m dog sick so don’t wait for me to get well before you get yourself some clean dishes. I don’t need him to cook for me but an offer for an orange juice run would have been nice. Waiting for me to do his dishes seems … typical.

I think I’m a tad bit annoyed with Bird too for saying, “How’s the dog doing” instead of “How are you doing?” I’m annoyed that she yacked on and on about what the heck ever until finally my head pounded so hard I had to let her go. If I have to listen to another conversation about “baby killers” and “democrats” I’m going to lose my mind. I don’t know, it would be nice from time to time to hear something positive come out of her mouth. The last complaint about her is this, several days ago (before I got sick) we were to go together to the store so I could get some rice to make bears.  The woman showed up unannounced with a twenty pound bag of rice. TWENTY POUNDS of rice. Not bags of rice equally 20 pounds but one 20 pound bag of rice. First off I was like, WTF are you doing here? I woke up 5 min ago… and what am I supposed to do with twenty pounds of rice? This is not UNICEF. I can’t store that much rice nor can I make that many bears. My mousy bear has a dixie cup full of rice in him..one dixie cup!!! Do you know how many bears I’d have to make to use up twenty pounds of rice?

Continue reading ‘Star of the Show’

In The Movies

Published on March 18, 2009 in Borderline Personality Disorder, For the Record and Relationships. 1 Comment

dr. d asked me if  i want someone to come here and bring me soup when i’m sick. i laughed. come on, that only happens in the movies. most people have to be drop dead sick before they go to bed, even then most will go to work. it’s only in the movies that someone drops everything and rushes to their partner or friend’s side with a fresh batch of chicken soup. yeah, i’ve done it for fife several times but then .. ya know, i kinda like the movies as long as i’m not the star.

not only do i not expect to be catered to i’d feel a bit odd if someone came over with food for me “just cause i have the flu.”  i”d do it for others in a heartbeat but when it comes to me it seems odd and silly. my self-worth is fickle.

again with the flu i got up and cleaned the house. i can’t lay down and be sick. i re-arranged the furniture for crying out loud.

i can’t believe i  managed to make it all winter long with no colds or the flu. this one hit me like a ton of bricks too. i think it has to do with all the stress lately. maybe my body said enough is enough and simply couldn’t fight, not this time. it hit hard and fast and knocked me on my butt. that says to me stress had a hand in it.

austin

Too Hard

Published on March 18, 2009 in Depression, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Medical, Mental Health, PTSD and Therapy. 2 Comments

Therapy: This shit is too hard. Therapy is too damn hard. I don’t go back until Monday morning. I don’t even want to deal with it. If I have anything to write before Monday pertaining to the last 2 sessions I’ll probably write it by hand. I’ve done a lot of sketches. Some are on the art therapy blog. Dr. D’s comments to me about how I see myself are over there too.

I don’t know what changed yesterday but I feel and look like a train hit me. I didn’t care though. After therapy I went to the park and sat by the creek. The ducks are back. Very cool.

Dr. D and the other employees go on a retreat every year. I asked Dr. D if they have a group hug or if they sit around the camp fire, sing songs and talk about their feelings. Continue reading ‘Too Hard’

All Up To Me

Published on March 17, 2009 in Abuse, Art Therapy, Borderline Personality Disorder, Emotions, Grief Sadness Loss, PTSD and Trust. 0 Comments

Her happiness, her pain, life or death, it was all up to me.  One right or wrong move could mean her life or death. That’s a huge burden for a child.

all-up-to-me-1x

I believed her.

F. Mag